“We’re fine. It’s scary and lonely, but it’s exciting, Ryan, and amazing feeling a life growing inside you. It’s so hard to explain.”
Pain ripped through his chest. Fin was his f**king heart and he’d left her scared and alone. “I’m glad you’re both okay,” he choked out, tears burning his eyes.
“Don’t be upset. Be happy, please? You’re going to be a daddy, Ryan.”
“I’m going to be a daddy,” he repeated, the words yet to sink in.
Fin chuckled softly and his grip tightened on the phone at the sound. “Hang on,” she told him. He heard her say something softly to Kyle before coming back on the phone. “Sorry.”
“I should go.”
“Ryan … I need to know you’re okay.”
“This isn’t about me right now. You need to think of yourself, and our baby.”
“I worry about you.”
Hearing the fear in her voice was killing him. “You don’t need to be doing that, okay? Just … keep in touch. Tell me how you’re doing, how our baby is doing. Be safe.”
“You too, Ryan.”
Hanging up the phone, Ryan slid down the wall, buried his head in his hands and cried.
Chapter Twenty-Two
A light tap came at the door. Ryan looked up, blinking hard. Monty stood in the doorway, freshly showered and rubbing a towel over the back of his head. Ryan grimaced. He needed a shower himself. After a hard day’s training he was covered in dirt and dried sweat.
“You okay?” Monty asked, brows furrowed.
Ryan swiped a hand across his face, and it came away with a layer of grime. “I don’t know.”
Monty tossed the towel in the direction of the desk as he walked into the room. Taking a seat across from where Ryan sat on the floor, Monty rested his elbows on his knees and looked at him. “What’s going on?”
“Fin’s having a baby.” He couldn’t stop the smile that began to spread wide across his face. “I’m going to be a dad.”
Monty’s eyes lit up as he sprang out of the chair. Grabbing Ryan’s hand, he launched him upwards and into a brief, hard hug. “Shit, mate. Congrats.” The smile still on his lips, Monty pulled back and tilted his head in question. “I didn’t realise that you two were … uh …”
“Hell.” Ryan ran fingers through his hair as he started to pace. “We weren’t. It wasn’t planned. She was supposed to be taking on a four year research program in Sydney, but now she’s not.” He stopped and looked Monty in the eye. “I f**ked that up for her.”
Monty grabbed Ryan’s bicep when he resumed pacing, and Ryan stilled. “How the f**k do you figure that?”
“Ever since we were little I’ve always protected her. I wanted the best for her. I made sure that nothing, namely me, stood in the way of that, and look how good a job I did of that!”
Monty jabbed his finger towards the chair. “Sit down.”
His stomach in knots, Ryan instinctively followed Monty’s order and sat.
Monty stood in front of him, looking down. “I think you’re lying to yourself.”
“What?”
“You heard me.”
Ryan’s breathing quickened as he sat back in the chair. “Lying about what?”
“About being scared,” he replied.
“Scared?” Ryan growled, his nostrils flaring dangerously. First it was he couldn’t forgive himself for Kassidy and now he was scared? Who else was going to take their turn at psychoanalysing him today?
“We’re a team. You know that. We all know that. There’s nothing we don’t know about how each other operates. Our lives depend on that knowledge, on being able to interpret each other’s emotions at a glance. I can see it, Kendall. Just admit it to yourself and maybe you can get over it and move on.”
“That’s bullshit, Monty. You know—”
“I know you need to man the f**k up, Kendall!” Monty shouted, pointing his finger at him in sharp, angry jabs. “Stop being so f**king scared about not being good enough for her. Who the hell did this goddamn number on you anyway?”
Ryan stood up, right in Monty’s face. “I killed my sister!” He dragged in a deep breath, his chest heaving with emotion. “I killed her.”
Monty flinched.
“It was my fault. Kassidy was only five years old when she ran out on the road and got hit by a car. I was supposed to be watching out for her. Fin is so much like her. So much that I want her to have what was taken from my little sister. I want her to have every opportunity. Why is that so damn wrong?” he yelled.
“Because you’re not thinking about what she wants.”
“I am! She’s always wanted this!”
“More than she’s wanted you? More than she needs you?” Monty shook his head, disappointment obvious in his eyes. Ryan hated seeing that. “Think about it,” he was told before Monty strode out of the room, the silence he left behind suddenly eerie as it rang loud in his ears.
Shit. Just … f**king shit.
Was he really just scared?
No. Of course he wasn’t. Ryan was a goddamn SAS soldier. He was trained to be one of the toughest sonofabitches in the military. He didn’t do scared. Scared was for little boys who couldn’t stand up to their fathers—who took the beatings and then cried under the cover of darkness. That wasn’t him. Not anymore.
Standing up, Ryan shrugged the thought off and put the chair back underneath the desk.
Two months later
Eastern Afghanistan
His adrenaline pumping, Ryan left the briefing with determination and narrow-eyed focus. Shit was heating up, back-up was being called, and he was about to be heading right into the thick of it.
Monty clapped him on the back as they moved fast towards their respective bunks. “Let’s suit up and get the f**k out there.”
Exhaling steadily, Ryan gave a short nod. Reaching his bunk, he stripped down with short, sharp movements. Tugging down a fitted white shirt, he tucked his tags underneath. Next, he slid on his green and brown pants. Sweat already lining his brow, he did up his belt and pulled on his shirt, working his way down the buttons and tucking it in. Over that went his standard issue Tiered Body Armour System, and after adjusting it in place, Ryan did a final check of his ammunition and equipment pouches. Satisfied everything was where it was supposed to be, he sat on the edge of the bed and pulled on thick socks and boots.
Knowing he had a few minutes, he stood and opened his locker. A sheaf of papers sat inside. He pulled them out and sat back down, running his fingers over Fin’s handwriting.
He skimmed over each one, the phrases that meant the most catching his eye as he went.
I’m glad you couldn’t keep your hands off me. When I close my eyes at night I feel them running over my bare skin as though you’re still here. I feel your hand resting on my chest at night like you used to do, and I know it’s because you like to feel the beat of my heart beneath your fingers. Did you know that you always sleep deeper that way? Some nights you cry out in your sleep, and it hurts just hearing it, but then your hand will eventually settle over my heart and your breathing evens out.
Ryan flicked to the next page.
I miss you. Each day hurts a little more than the last.
He flicked again.
You’re the strongest person I’ve ever known, but someone smart and brave once told me that it’s always the strongest that fall the hardest. You can trust me, Ryan. Let go. I’ll be here to catch you. I’ll always be here.
Ryan’s hands shook.
I’ve attached an ultrasound image of our baby and a list of names in order of my favourites, but it would be nice to have your input—if you’d like to.
Ryan had emailed her back, telling her the name at the very top of the list was perfect. She’d also attached a photo of herself and he couldn’t stop himself from telling her that she was perfect too. And their baby.
Monty had been right. Having it yelled right in his face forced Ryan to finally admit it to himself. He was scared. He’d panicked—his entire chest tight with anxiety at the thought of her choosing him over everything else. How could he live up to that and be worth the sacrifice? It was a risk he’d been too scared to take. But now?
Ryan ran trembling fingers over the photos and swallowed hard before tucking them carefully into his shirt pocket and doing up the button.
Now?
She was his, and just like Monty said, it was time to man the f**k up and take the damn risk. Picking up his weapons, Ryan wrapped up all the beautiful memories in his mind and tucked them deep inside. He had to focus. There was an entire unit of soldiers out there in trouble, and right now they deserved everything he had to give.
Ryan stepped outside, taking a deep breath of the thick warm air in the fading dusk. He joined his team as they made their way to the waiting Black Hawks. The rotors were already thumping, the engines warming.
Monty slapped him on the back. “Ready?”
“Never been more ready.” He looked sideways at Monty and grinned. Soon—just a few weeks from now—Ryan would be home. He was going to take Fin out under those stars, right in the very spot he told her how much he loved her and ask her to be his forever. “I’m going to ask Fin to marry me.”
Monty returned his grin. “‘Bout f**king time, Kendall.”
His heart lifted as they kicked up their pace into a jog, leaping into the chopper with excitement. Soon they would be in the thick of battle, and their entire team was pumped to get in on the action.
Ryan gripped Nathan’s arm as he leaped up behind him, and when they were all on board, Monty twirled his finger, his eyes hard and serious. “Let’s move out!” he yelled.
“Don’t give up on me, Fin,” Ryan whispered softly in the fading light as the chopper lifted.
Same time
Fremantle, Western Australia
“Ugh,” Fin muttered as she set the glass of fresh vegetable juice back on the breakfast table. She was trialling the recipe her mum had given her and made a mental note to tell her it was disgusting.
Sitting beside her, Rachael began gagging.
Fin’s eyes widened with horror as her own stomach began heaving in sympathy. “Don’t you dare throw that up!”
“You should...” gag “…give that recipe to Ryan. He could…” gag “…use that as some form of torture device on the enemy.”
Grabbing both glasses off the table, Fin stood and walked to the sink, dumping the contents down the drain with relish. “You tell that to Mum,” she said, rinsing them out under the tap. “She keeps foisting all this over-the-top health crap on me, and it’s driving me daft. At least I can be honest and say I tried it, but that’s enough. From now on, I’m going to enjoy these last four weeks of pregnancy by eating whatever the hell I want.” Turning around, Fin tried folding her arms, but her belly was sitting so high, her arms rested somewhere up near her face.
A knock came at the door and Rachael clapped excitedly. “That’ll be the cavalry.”