“Ryan!” Julie called out to him, as though somehow he would miss where she and Mike stood at the end of the hospital hallway. How could he not see the only real family he’d ever known, or miss the devastation written in their eyes? The slump of Mike’s broad shoulders told him there was only so much a parent could survive, and losing Fin would surely break him.
Ryan kept his eyes focused on them, forcing himself to take one step after another. How was it they raised two of the most remarkable people ever to grace the earth and it was him that was still standing? How was that fair? Ryan wanted to throw a punch at something. He wanted to yell. He wanted to wake up from the horror. Instead, he shoved his hands in his pockets, ignoring the dull throbbing of his injuries.
Julie threw herself into his arms, and Ryan’s bottom lip trembled so hard he had to clench his jaw. If he could go back in time would he have ever left? Would everything be different now? Would Jake still be here, and would Fin be living her bright future instead of fighting for her life?
“You’re leaving.”
“I’m sorry. You understand don’t you, Fin, why I have to do this? You have such a big future ahead of you. You’re going to do big things with your life. Don’t let anyone stop you from being who you need to be, okay?”
That right there had been the fork in his road. The path he’d chosen had given him his biggest heartbreak, and his deepest grief; it had taken his brother, it had given him a son, and showed him the brightest love he had ever known.
Choking on a sob, Ryan tugged his hands from his pockets and wrapped them around Julie, burying his face in her neck. She brushed her hand over the back of his head in comfort, holding him tight.
“How is she?” he asked, his voice hoarse as he drew away.
Julie shook her head and Ryan looked to Mike. He put a hand on Ryan’s uninjured shoulder and squeezed lightly. “She’s a fighter.” Mike nodded towards the doorway. “Go in, son. She’ll fight harder knowing you’re there with her.” Mike’s hand slid away as Ryan moved, taking a step towards the room. “I’ll send a doctor your way to look you over when you’re ready.”
About to tell Mike he was fine, Ryan glanced over his shoulder and paused at the frustration on Mike’s face. It was obvious he needed to do something to keep his mind occupied. “Thanks, Mike,” he said instead. “I’d appreciate that.”
Mike nodded and Ryan caught the flash of relief.
“We’ll be down the hall if you need us,” Julie told him. “Take your time.”
They walked away and when Ryan stepped inside the room he was slammed with a blinding rush of pain. Nothing, nothing, had ever hurt more than seeing Fin’s slight frame, machines breathing for her, keeping her alive.
Stepping up to the bed, Ryan reached out with a trembling hand and brushed the backs of his fingers over her pale cheek. He trailed his index finger down her nose, across her eyebrows, and over her bottom lip as the machine beside her forced her lungs to inflate, in and out, over and over.
When Ryan smiled at Fin, her eyes would light up for him. When he touched her, her body came alive. Now she felt cold and lifeless, and it broke his heart.
“I’m scared that when you die that’s it. There’s nothing after that, like the entire life you lived really is all gone in the blink of an eye.”
“You can’t leave me,” he whispered thickly, fumbling blindly for her hand and taking it in his. “Can you hear me? You can’t. I won’t allow it. I need you.” Ryan drew in a deep, shaky breath, tears filling his eyes and spilling down his cheeks. “I need you,” he choked out. How did he manage to convince himself he was better off alone for so many years? Fuck that. Fuck that. If she died, so would he.
Sitting down before his legs gave out beneath him, Ryan rested his forehead on the edge of the bed, not letting go of her hand. He drew in a deep breath, and let it out slowly. “I have this image of you in my head when you were fourteen,” he told her. “Jake and I were teaching you and Rachael how to play soccer in the backyard of your parents’ house. It was late afternoon, the sun about an hour away from disappearing over the horizon. It was Jake and Rach against you and me, and we were getting our asses handed to us because sport was never your thing. It was like you had these slender limbs that were so long you couldn’t quite work out how to use them. That never really changed. Anyway, I was dribbling that ball up the side, and Jake was running at me. You called out, ‘Over here, Ryan,’ and glancing sideways I was the one that almost tripped over the damn ball.” Ryan shook his head at the memory, lifting his head to look at her still form. “You see, the sun had made this golden halo out of your long, pretty hair, and your eyes were so bright and alive as you ran alongside me. You were smiling at me like I was the only person in the whole world.” Ryan’s voice broke, but he had to keep talking. “My heart skipped a beat because it was right then, in that simple, carefree moment, when I realised I wanted to be your whole world. That everything would be okay as long as you kept looking at me like that. That’s how I remember you. But you’re not looking at me like that now, and I need you to do that. I need you to wake up and smile at me like I’m your everything, because without you, I’m not anyone’s anything.”
Ryan wiped away tears from his face, and for another hour he sat there—talking, waiting, and hoping—but Fin never stirred.
With a hard sigh, he stood and walked to the window. He stared outside, not really seeing anything. His muscles ached and even under the heavy painkillers, his injuries robbed him of breath at every movement.
Hearing a noise at the door, Ryan turned his head and his fists clenched automatically. He closed his eyes, but when he opened them again, Ian still stood frozen in the doorway like an unwanted illusion.
“Ryan,” he said, giving him a nod as he stepped inside the room.
Ryan bit down the urge to tell him to get the hell out. He didn’t want Ian here, witnessing him falling apart, reminding him of what Ian and Fin had shared.
“I saw her once, while you were away,” Ian told him. “Did she tell you that?”
Ryan shook his head mutely, not trusting himself to speak.
“She was walking down the street in this long, flowing summer dress. I caught the flash of blonde hair and called out. When she turned around it was like I’d been punched.” He stepped closer to the bed, towards Fin, his eyes running the length of her, taking in the machines, the tubes, the deep bruising under her eyes. “I felt so cheated,” he whispered—almost as though he was telling Fin and not Ryan—until Ian paused, his strained eyes finding their way to his. “She gave you what I always wanted.” Ian looked back to Fin. “Maybe I was an a**hole, but you were the one that abandoned her. I’ve loved her since forever, and you …”
Don’t say it, Ian. Don’t f**king say it.
“You broke her,” Ian told him hoarsely.
A rush of anger crashed into Ryan, so overwhelming it left him dizzy. “Don’t talk about shit you know nothing about,” he growled, his chest rising and falling rapidly as he struggled to rein himself in.
“You left her!” came Ian’s cry of accusation. “I heard what you did. I wanted her. I would have given her everything, but all she ever wanted was …”
“Me,” Ryan replied when Ian trailed off, and all Ryan ever wanted was a better life for her. What a f**king mess he’d made of everything.
“You don’t deserve her,” Ian ground out. The bitterness edging his voice had Ryan gritting his teeth. “You never did.”
“Who do you think you are to talk about what I do or don’t deserve? You know nothing about my life and you know nothing about Fin’s!” Jealous rage leaked wildly into his system, and he couldn’t fight against it; he was too worn out, and his heart too broken. “She might have loved you once, but she was never yours. She always belonged to me!”
“That’s your fault!” Ian cried out, jabbing his finger as he took a step towards Ryan. “You were always there! Even after you left, you were always there between the two of us. God knows I tried, but you had your f**king hold on her and she couldn’t—”
“Will you both stop!” Julie cried out, appearing in the doorway pale and shaken. “Now is not the time or the place. Ian, if you came here to start a fight, you can leave right now. Come back when you’ve cooled off. And Ryan…” Julie turned to look at him, disappointment clouding her eyes “…I thought better of you than this.”
Ryan flinched, her words a whiplash.
“Julie.” Ian gave a short nod. “I’ll come back later,” he told her and with a final, bitter glance at Ryan, he turned and strode from the room.
“I’m sorry,” Ryan murmured.
“Don’t. I shouldn’t … You’re not yourself. I get that.”
“That guy always brings out the worst in me.”
Julie walked over to Fin’s bed. She brushed gently at Fin’s soft hair, tucking it behind her ears with so much love in her eyes it hurt to watch. “And Fin always brought out the best in you.”
After hesitating, he said, “Sometimes I wish that I had—”
“I know what you’re going to say, Ryan, and don’t. You both had your own growing to do, you especially.” Julie stopped stroking Fin’s hair to look at him. “Neither of you were ready for what everyone could see between the two of you. You did what you thought was best at the time by leaving. You needed to do that, for yourself, but then you did it again, Ryan, and that didn’t just hurt Fin, okay?”
“Julie, I’m sorry.”
“Stop apologising. That’s not why I’m telling you this.”
“Then why?”
“Because you’ve always been our son. We’ve always loved you. You see how much you want the best for Fin, how you want her to have everything? We want that for her too, but we feel the same way about you. We want that for you as well.” Julie’s eyes were firm, her jaw set determinedly as though expecting him to deny her words. “Stop trying to be a hero all the time. You’re so busy saving everyone else you forget about yourself.”
Turning to look back out the window, Ryan tucked his hands into his pockets. “Saving people is my job.”
Julie sighed loudly. “That’s not what I meant.”
Ryan stared at his reflection. He looked like hell. Fitting, considering that’s where he was. “I know what you meant. Leaving Fin was a mistake. I know that now.”
After his wounds were re-bandaged and more pain meds administered, Ryan found himself in the neonatal unit, staring down at his son. At just five pound six ounces, his boy was tiny, but “a real fighter,” the nearby nurse told him with a happy grin.
“His mother is too,” Ryan murmured softly, his eyes taking in every inch of the soft skin, huge brown eyes, and thick, silky cap of dark hair.