Ian unfolded his arms and walked towards Fin until he was in her space. His hand came up and cupped her cheek. “Okay. I get that, I do, but … I feel like you’re not invested in us. You’re about to leave for another six months and I don’t want you to go.”
Ian leaned in and touched his lips softly to hers.
“Ian,” she whispered. “This is important to me.”
“You’re important to me.”
Her voice rose a little. “So what I want doesn’t count?”
Ian dropped his hand. “It’s a job, Fin. I’m tired of coming second best to everything else in your life. Christ, even Ryan …”
“Ryan what?”
“Nothing,” he ground out. Ian walked around her and sat on the bed, rubbing at the back of his neck wearily. Fin walked towards him and he reached out and took hold of her hips. Pulling her in, he pressed a kiss against her belly. “Should I stay?”
Fin looked down at him, trailing a hand through his choppy blond hair. “Don’t you have work in the morning?”
Ian’s jaw tightened. “I don’t care about work.”
Fin took a step back. “Okay. I’ll just go check in with Jake and come back. Can I get you anything?”
Ian was already peeling off his shirt, exposing the wide, tanned chest he worked hard at keeping in shape for his job. “Just you.”
Fin paused at the door, looking back over her shoulder. “Be back in a minute.”
Walking down the hall, she saw Ryan’s door was shut. She closed her eyes for a moment, but all she could see was him lying in that bed. She wanted to walk in there, peel off all her clothes, and have him sink himself inside her until she couldn’t breathe from it.
Damn you, Ryan. Why did you have to come back now?
Remembering Ian was waiting, she continued down the hall, rubbing her forehead as her emotions twisted into painful knots.
Reaching the back deck, she found Jake reclining on a cushioned deck chair, coffee in hand as he stared at the stars.
She sighed, sitting down beside him, and picked up the hot tea he’d made her.
“How does it feel being home?”
“It’s hard,” he admitted.
Fin frowned. “Hard?”
“Hard to adjust to normal life,” he expanded. “What we’ve seen and done is so far beyond normal that it’s like being home isn’t my life anymore.”
“What have you seen?”
Jake exhaled loudly. “Children—so many of them—hungry, missing limbs, dirty, and begging in the village streets. We’ve trekked through mountains for days on end and miles of dust. We’ve watched people die.” He looked at her. “I’ve killed people, Fin,” he told her thickly, “and then you come home and everyone is going about their everyday lives—shopping and working, being impatient or unkind, and I want to shout at them all to wake up and see how lucky they are.”
Blinded by tears, Fin reached out and took his hand. “I love you, Jake.”
He squeezed it. “Love you too, Fin.”
“Tell me something good.”
So he did, his voice deep and soothing. Her eyelids felt heavy and over an hour later Jake was nudging her awake.
“Shit,” she muttered.
“What?” Jake asked as they shuffled tiredly towards to their respective rooms.
“Nothing.”
“Is it Ian?” They paused outside her bedroom door. “What’s going on with the two of you?” he asked quietly.
Fin rubbed her brow. “I don’t know what’s going on.”
“Do I need to punch him?”
“No!”
Jake wrapped his hand around the back of her neck and pulled her towards him, planting a kiss on her forehead. “Just say the word.”
He drew back and she arched a brow at him. “Violence isn’t the answer.”
Jake frowned, pressing his lips together for a moment. “Sometimes it’s the only thing that gets through.”
Chapter Four
Ryan swung his legs over the bed in the early morning and planted his feet on the floor. Sliding on shorts, a loose sleeveless shirt, and his running shoes, he yawned, scratching the back of his head as he made his way to the kitchen.
Jake was already there filling a bottle of water. “Made it out of bed, huh?”
A noise came from behind them before he could reply. They both turned. Ian was there in uniform, gun belt slung around his waist.
Fuck. How could he have forgotten about Ian? Ryan wondered if he was still a nice guy because that urge to pound him into the ground hadn’t dulled. In fact, the way Ian spoke to Fin in his room last night had Ryan grinding his teeth in irritation.
Jake, usually outgoing with a smile for anyone, gave him a short nod and said coolly, “Ian.”
Ian patted his pockets before spying his keys on the breakfast table. “Morning guys,” he replied, picking them up and jingling them in his hands. “Good to see you back.”
Jake screwed the cap back on his drink. “Good to be back.”
Ian nodded over his shoulder towards the front door. “Gotta get to work. Might see you guys tonight? Fin mentioned something about a family dinner.”
After the door shut behind Ian, Jake looked at Ryan, his expression flat.
“Nice guy,” Ryan commented, thinking anything but.
“You think so too, huh?” Jake replied.
Later that morning after their workout and shower, Jake fell asleep on the couch. Feeling at a loss with nothing but time on his hands, Ryan wandered down the hall towards Fin’s room. She was sitting at a little study nook in the corner, laptop open with one foot resting on her chair. She was wearing a tank top and a little pair of shorts. Leaning up against the doorframe, he couldn’t tear his eyes away from those long, delectable legs.
As though sensing his presence, she turned in her chair. He forced his eyes upwards, catching a sexy flush fill her cheeks at his blatant perusal.
“Morning, Ryan.” She took off her black framed reading glasses and tossed them on the desk.
“Morning, Fin,” he replied.
Against his better judgement, Ryan pushed away from the door and walked farther into the room. Fin hadn’t changed at all and neither had his desire for her. His heart kicked over when she met his eyes. He knew everything he was feeling right now was written all over him, but he couldn’t seem to shut it off.
Her eyelids fluttered closed and she whispered, “Why now?”
Ryan took a deep breath. “I don’t know,” he replied honestly.
He shouldn’t still be feeling this way after so many years. Why was he doing this to her, and to himself? It was better for everyone if he stayed away like he was supposed to.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come. I’ll go stay at the barracks.” He turned to leave.
“Ryan!” she called out. Scrambling out of the chair, she grabbed his arm as he was halfway out the door.
“Fin,” he warned, looking down at her hand pointedly.
She took a step closer and he breathed her in, her scent like jasmine on a hot summer’s day. He was surprised when he looked into her eyes and saw anger burning hotly in their depths.
“Six years, Ryan. Do you know how hurt I was, each day passing by and getting nothing—not even a note or an email? I didn’t just lose you. I lost my brother too. Both of you left me, and I was okay with that. I understood that this was what you needed to do, so I moved on. I built a life that doesn’t include you. That was what I had to do.” She paused and raised a shaky hand to cup his cheek. “I’d have given you my entire heart if you’d only asked, but it’s not yours now. It’s not yours.”
Ryan closed his eyes, agony for losing what was never his rose in his chest until he felt strangled by it. He placed his hand over hers, holding it there until she tugged it away.
“You’re right,” Fin told him. “You should stay on the barracks … but I don’t want you to. Damn you, Ryan,” she whispered fiercely. “I don’t want you to.”
Ryan used his bulk to crowd her against the wall until there was no room for her to move. Leaning one hand against the wall, he grabbed her hip with the other. Her breathing rose rapidly and he leaned in, ducking his head until their mouths hovered a mere breath apart.
“Why can’t I force myself to leave?” He rested his forehead against hers and closed his eyes. “I hurt too. For six years I fought every day not to think of you, and I lost, because every day you were all I could see. You were the best thing in my life—so sweet and innocent, and so goddamn tempting.” His hand strayed from her hip and slid down to grip her ass. He swallowed the groan. “I stayed away so you could move on.”
Fin reached up and planted both hands on his chest, shoving him away. Ryan took a step back, his hands falling to his sides.
“So let me. Nothing’s changed for us. I’m leaving in two weeks, you’re going back to Afghanistan, and Ian …”
His jaw clenched but he nodded, angry at himself for thinking that staying here had ever been a good idea. “Christ, Fin. I f**ked up by coming here, didn’t I?”
Tears filled her eyes. “Just … don’t go, okay? Stay. Jake wouldn’t understand you moving to the barracks.”
“I’ll let you get back to your work,” Ryan muttered. “I’ll be back later for dinner.”
Later that night Fin dressed up a little—wearing her pretty, cream dress with the lace bodice and flirty skirt—because it was Jake and Ryan’s welcome home dinner. I’m not dressing up for Ryan, she told herself. Mum would expect everyone to make an effort, that’s all.
Irritated, Fin stood in front of the bathroom mirror, fussing at her hair. She was trying to tame the tousled mess into some kind of updo, but it wasn’t happening.
“Dammit,” she muttered. Why couldn’t she ever manage anything more complicated than a ponytail? She shoved the useless hairpins back in the drawer and snapped it shut angrily, leaving her hair to tumble wildly down her back.
Sitting down on the edge of the bath, she took a deep breath and sighed. Her anger levels had been high today—anger at Ian for pressuring her, anger at the timing of her expedition, anger at Ryan for being everything she wanted and couldn’t have, and anger at herself because she couldn’t move on.
Why did life have to be so complicated?
“Fin!” A fist rapped smartly on the bathroom door. “Hurry up. We’re already late.”
“You guys go on ahead,” she called out to Jake, standing up and smoothing a hand down her dress. She picked up her earrings and started putting them on. “Ian’s picking me up anyway, so I’ll just meet you there.”
There was a pause. “Are you sure?”
Fin felt a rush of love for Jake at hearing the concern in his voice. How did she ever get so lucky to have a brother like him? It only made the loss all the greater when he left along with Ryan.
“Positive,” she told him and rubbed her lips together, checking her lipstick.