Tess: Q is everything I dreamed and more. He’s perfect for me.
Brax: Why am I hearing a but in that sentence?
Tess: You’re not. Clean out your ears.
Brax: Haha. What’s up for real, Tessie? You’re making me worried.
Tess: I…
Brax: Yes…
Tess: I’m empty.
Brax: Okay, wow, um, that sounds like you need to talk to someone. I don’t have the training to deal with cryptic replies like that.
Tess: Sorry. Let’s talk about other things.
Brax: Hang on. Don’t change the subject. Did he hurt you? Are you okay? If he hurt you, so help me, I’ll make sure he’s f**king ruined.
Tess: It isn’t him. He’s been amazing. He’s shown a side I didn’t know existed.
Brax: Fibs and fakers, Tessie. Don’t avoid the truth.
Brax: Look, I won’t press you, but do you need me to come get you?
Tess: That’s sweet but no. I’m fine.
Brax: Shit, I gotta go, but now I’m freaking out that you’re not okay. Promise me you’ll message again soon. Okay? Even if it’s just to talk about how goofy Blizzard is.
Tess: I will. Thanks…
Brax: Anytime. Bye.
The clock on the computer dashboard ticked away the hours that I sat there. Too frozen, too consumed with pain to move.
Tess felt nothing.
Tess felt nothing for me.
Too f**king bad I felt enough to combust into agonising pieces.
*****
Tess screamed at daybreak, hurtling me from dreamless coma into full killing mode.
My back bellowed from falling asleep in the chair, and I stood up so fast the laptop clunked to the floor.
Tess’s eyes shot over to me; the residual emotion from her dream shut down to be replaced with emptiness.
Jumping over the computer, I dashed to her side. Her hair stuck to her clammy forehead and all I wanted to do was brush it away. To touch her softly, kiss her, stroke her. Remind myself that she was still in my bed, even if she’d run away mentally.
I’d never cared for anything in my life. Sure, I kept birds and fed the local wildlife but I’d never tended to a sick human. Never wanted to. The slaves who came to me hurt and injured were dealt with by an in-house nurse. I didn’t want to be around weak things as I didn’t trust myself not to finish the job and put them out of their misery.
But Tess. Shit, she was different.
“You’re okay. Je suis là.” I’m here.
She looked at me with no emotion. “I thought you went to work. I told you, you don’t have to care for me anymore. I’m feeling much better.”
“You’re not feeling any better otherwise you’d be talking to me.”
She hung her head. “Not this again. I told you. I will never talk about it. So stop pushing me.”
I leaned down, almost nose to nose. “I will push you every damn day if it means you’ll crack and face the things you’re hiding from.”
I wanted her to slap me. Push me away, beat my chest, scream, cry—anything.
But she blinked slowly and didn’t say a word. Her eyes left mine, looking toward the window. “Did you use the computer last night?”
I looked guiltily at the abandoned laptop on the carpet. I didn’t want to lie, but I didn’t want her to know just how desperate she made me. Swallowing hard, I said, “I checked the stock market. I’m watching carefully to see if the thing with Red Wolverine has affected shares in other investments.”
Her mouth popped open as her eyes went saucer wide. “Wolverine. The man who ordered me kidnapped—for revenge against you?”
Motherfucker. She knew.
I ran a hand through my hair and stepped back. She deserved to know the entire story. Hear what happened. I had so much I had to tell her.
“We need to talk, Tess. About so much.” I moved closer, reaching out to take her hand. “Can you please tell me what happened?”
She stiffened before I even touched her. My hand dropped, not bothering anymore. “I ripped out his heart for you. Just like you asked. I travelled around the world searching. I paid more bribes, tortured more people, and killed enough to land me in hell for an eternity. But I didn’t care, because all I thought about was having you back in my arms.” I looked down at my arms, finally realizing that they’d forever be empty of her.
“You’re telling the truth. Aren’t you?”
She cocked her chin, her entire demeanour cold. “Yes. I’ll never go back. I can’t. I’m sorry.”
The woman I f**king loved was gone. My spine tingled with heavy regret. I could hit her. Cajole her. Bribe or beg, and it wouldn’t make any difference.
I nodded, swallowing past the ball of sadness in my throat.
I couldn’t be there anymore. I couldn’t let her kill me inch by inch.
I slammed the door and left.
Chapter 18
Choose me, use me, you will never lose me…
Another week passed.
Seven long days while I lived in limbo. The laptop was never far, and the soft ping of an incoming message gave me something to do. I lived via the internet world. Looking at jokes, funny videos, love scenes, drama episodes. I watched everything I could, waiting for some sort of reaction other than emptiness.
But nothing triggered a response.
I was sick of this bedroom. Sick of feeling nothing. My body was stronger. The coughing had subsided and I wanted to leave.
I needed to move. I didn’t want to witness how Q hurt. This was his bedroom and all I’d done was sully it with sickness and bad memories. It was time to remove myself from his life so he could begin the journey of forgetting me.
Cracking open the laptop, I read Brax’s message.
From: Brax Cliffingstone
Time: 2:25 p.m.
To: Tess Snow
Hi! Thought I’d touch base and make sure things are okay? Haven’t heard back from you so I’m hoping you’re still alive. (bad joke) Anywho… Bianca and I have officially started going out and I want you to be as happy as me, so let’s get this show on the road. What do you need? Anything? Do you need some Aussie stuff sent over? I’m sure the French food has got to be crap after our award-winning pies.
Message me back.
Brax
I sighed. How much I wanted to laugh. To be a human again, but to share in happiness I had to let the guilt rip me apart. I just couldn’t do it.
I existed in a rigid coldness. And for now, that was the way it had to be. Maybe forever.
Me: I do miss marmite, I admit.
Brax: Eww, gross. That stuff is nasty. Vegemite rules.
Me: Yuck.
How could I joke and pretend to be normal when I felt zero?
Brax: So…how you feeling?
Me: Okay.
Brax: Just okay?
Me: Still empty.
Brax: What would it take to make you whole again?
Me: That’s the problem. I don’t think it’s fixable.
Brax: That doesn’t sound like the Tessie I know.
Me: You never really knew me, Brax.
Me: I’m sorry. That was harsh.
Brax: No, I get it. I didn’t. Not really. But only because you never talked to me. You sprang it on me and I acted like an ass.
Me: It was my fault. I never knew what I wanted.
Brax: And now you do. You want that man that you ran half-way across the world to see.
Me: I used to.
Brax: You will again.
I stopped typing, waiting for an unfurling of hope that Brax was right. That this cold emptiness would soon be filled with light and love again, but nothing happened. I looked around Q’s bedroom and suddenly the need to leave was overwhelming.
I couldn’t stay here. I couldn’t be this invalid any longer.
Me: If I said I was coming back to Australia. What would you say?
Brax: I’d say you always had a place to sleep and Bianca and I will help you with whatever you need.
I smiled. I had no intention of gate-crashing their new romance. No one wanted an ex-girlfriend sleeping on the couch. I’d go somewhere else. It didn’t matter where. I didn’t care.
Suzette appeared, coming toward the bed. She carried a plate with a smoked salmon bagel and some iced tea. “Lunch. I hope you’re hungry.” Her eyes fell to the blinking message from Brax. She froze, skimming the text.
She shook her head, giving me a heart-stopping look of betrayal. “You’re giving up so easily?”
“It’s not what you think, Suzette.”
She slammed the plate on the bed. “What do you mean it’s not what I think? It’s in black and white.” She tapped the screen with an angry finger. “You’re thinking of leaving! After everything. After everything, Tess. You’re just going to leave!” She breathed hard, visibly bringing her sharp temper under control. “I get it. I really do. It took me years to get over what happened and I know you need more time. But you need to stay around people who love you.”
I hung my head. “Time won’t help. Something’s happened to me. I’ll never be free unless I let myself suffer what I’ve done. And if I let myself suffer, I won’t survive the memories. If you knew what I did, Suzette…” My voice dwindled and for the first time in days the crush of guilt managed to penetrate my tower.
I panicked, rushing to fill the crack, wrapping it thicker with chains.
The fear of what I’d done grew by the hour, trapping myself further inside my mind.
Suzette deflated. “What did they do to you? What’s made you so afraid?”
“It’s what I did to others that I can’t live with.” I was back to being vacant, thankfully free from the guilt.
“Don’t go, Tess. Stay. Q is in agony. He loves you and yet you can’t even bring yourself to touch him anymore.” She stopped, brushing away a tear. “Stay for him.”
“It’s because of him that I’m leaving. It’s not fair to torture him this way.”
She sighed, eyes flashing with pain. “I suggest you think on your decision, because the moment you step out the door and rip out my master’s heart is the day you lose me as a friend. You don’t deserve him if you leave.” She headed to the door, turning to face me one last time. “I know you’re capable of coming alive again. You just need to believe you’re strong enough.” She closed the door quietly behind her.
Am I strong enough to face the women I hurt? To allow the drug-clouded memories to hurl me into guilt and misery?
No, I’m not strong enough.
This was the only way.
*****
That night Q didn’t come to bed.
I’d grown used to falling asleep and waking up in the middle of the night to find him asleep on his stomach, fully dressed. As if he wanted to always be ready to protect me. Even in sleep, I knew he suffered headaches. The tightness around his eyes never left him. Just another way I made him suffer.
But tonight, when I woke to shuffle to the bathroom, the bed was empty.
And just like the bed, I was, too.
*****
The next day I made the decision to go.
My finger no longer hurt, only ached, and the doctor had removed the stitches in my neck. He told me Q ordered him to remove the tracker while I slept; I thanked him profusely. Having that devil thing out of my body was the first thing to give me a tiny feeling of relief.