“We’re taking you to the zoo today. Behave and be a good girl.” My mother ducked to look me sternly in the eye.
I couldn’t control my six-year-old excitement. I’d never been taken anywhere nice. Apparently I wasn’t worth the admission, whatever that was. “I’ll be good, I promise.”
Only when we got to the zoo, my mother didn’t go in with me. She waited until I’d gone through the barrier, then drove off.
I hated the zoo. Every wild animal seemed to sense my unhappiness; the monkeys laughed at me; the lions growled, tasting my fear. I spent the night huddled in the corner by the rubbish bins. No one noticed a six-year-old after hours and no mother came to pick her up.
Eventually, the cleaners found me, and much to my mother’s dismay, I was sent home.
I forced myself to think of how nasty my brother had been.
“Is this scummy toy yours?” He held up my headless teddy bear. The one I found outside a Salvation Army one day.
“Give it back.” I jumped for it, but he’d always been so tall. He laughed, tore the legs off, and scooped out the stuffing before throwing it all over me.
I hardened my heart, knowing I would never find love with these people.
And yet, I found love with Q. I found an all-encompassing connection that made my childhood seem so ridiculous.
Q muttered, “Tu ne peux pas être à moi, mais je suis en train de devenir à toi.”
My stomach twisted, filling with frothy bubbles. Our eyes locked and I couldn’t look away. Q brushed his lips against mine ever so sweetly, repeating in English, forcing me to swallow the words. “You may not be mine, but I’m fast becoming yours.”
Time froze.
His confession tied me up, stole my mind. His drunken state let me see the depth of his feelings. Time began anew, sparkling with new possibilities. My body was no longer mine, it belonged to Q. Everything belonged to Q.
How could I ever forget that I would always belong to Q?
Scrunching my face, I battered and screamed at my heavily garrisoned tower. I wanted the guilt. I wanted the nausea—for tears to spill—because it would show I was still alive in there…somewhere.
I no longer wanted to live in a void.
But no matter how I picked at old wounds, nothing worked. I’d added too many bricks, slammed closed too many locks.
I’d lost everything and I couldn’t even grieve.
By the time the sun warmed the room and a new day sparkled, I’d exhausted myself into a worse empty silence than before. I could stab myself in the heart and I wouldn’t feel it. I could break every bone in my body and I wouldn’t care.
I was truly dead inside.
Frederick was right. I couldn’t do this to Q anymore.
After showering and dressing in a pair of jeans and baby pink blouse from the carousel room, I made my way downstairs with just my passport in my pocket. I had no idea how I’d get back to Australia. I had no money—save for the cash Q gave me. I had no plan, and I didn’t care if a hitchhike turned into what happened before. Maybe some rapists would finish the job, so I could finally rest and not be so terribly cold.
Suzette stood in the foyer as I descended the stairs. Her arms crossed over her chest, a look full of sadness and disbelief on her face. “Q told us you were leaving. That Franco and I weren’t to stop you. Please don’t do this, Tess. Give it some time. We can wait. We can help you find your way back.”
I shook my head. “That isn’t fair on Q. I have nothing left and he deserves everything. It’s not fair to stay and give him hope.” I gave her a sad smile. “Thank you for taking such good care of me.”
Without another word, I opened the front door and stepped outside. The world seemed so normal. Summer turned to autumn, and the beautiful trees in Q’s gardens started the journey from green to red to gold before dropping completely.
I felt like a dried-up leaf whose only purpose was to fall to the ground and rot.
Waiting on the stoop, I tried once more, one last and final time to find some part of me alive and unwilling to go, but the numbness was my only answer.
By protecting myself, I doomed myself. I may not die from guilt, but I would never live with love or happiness again.
My first step off Q’s porch should’ve buckled my knees and torn my heart free from my chest, but it didn’t.
I’d never feel again.
Once onto the gravel, I skirted the horse fountain, heading down the long driveway. Trees loomed above, blotting out the early morning sun. I kept walking until I hit the road.
Left.
Right.
Which way to go? Should I go back to Australia? Why? There was nothing left for me there. I had no desire to go anywhere, only to leave this wondrous life that could’ve been.
To let Q heal without me. To let him forget and move on.
I stepped off Q’s driveway.
Chapter 21
You’re my obsession, I’m your possession, you own the deepest part of me…
I didn’t know where I went after I left Tess. I spent the rest of the night staring at some hideous vase, feeling nothing.
The alcohol left my system hours ago, and Frederick—the traitorous bastard—let himself out a little while after I left Tess.
He spoke to her. I knew he did, and if I was honest, it f**king pissed me off and made me want to kill him. But Tess had chosen. She used the safe-word, for fuck’s sake.
She couldn’t hurt me any more than she already had.
I was done.
The sun slowly rose on a new day—a day where I would have to pretend that nothing had happened. I would go back to work and bury myself under paperwork. Someone had to deal with the rumours going around about me. Dubois—the chief of police—had been true to his word and banned all bad press about Moineau Holdings, but that wouldn’t last forever.
Franco had already prevented one attack on my home from disgruntled traffickers. The strange thing was my shares in other companies—the untainted by slaves or sinful underworld investments—had grown. Turned out people liked to invest with a company that had morals and a CEO who had a saviour complex.
Tess did me a favour—she reminded me I wasn’t good enough. I couldn’t expect to have what others took for granted. I’d never earn the love of a woman or be stupidly happy like the rest of the human race. But I had other things to live for. I would save more slaves than ever before; I would make sure others could have a happy ending instead.
That would be my legacy.
Merde, maybe I should close the business and go on a never-ending hunting spree. Then, I might be happy.
Suzette appeared in the reading nook in the lounge where I’d hidden for the past few hours. “She just left, master.” She looked out the window, no doubt seeing Tess heading down the driveway. “I did what you told me and just let her go, but Franco isn’t happy. He’s got the car ready to go if you want to go after her.”
A sharp dagger twisted my heart, but I gritted my teeth, forcing myself to stay seated.
I wouldn’t chase after her. I wouldn’t. Not after the safe-word.
When I didn’t move, Suzette left me to my mourning and another hour went past. Every time I wondered where Tess was I shot the thought right between its eyes. I refused to think about her. I denied the ache in my cock, the pining beast inside.
I repeated over and over that I didn’t need her. I didn’t need someone who didn’t need me.
I don’t f**king need her.
A car screeched to a halt outside, kicking gravel against the windowpane. I sat up from my slouch to see Frederick charging from his Lexus and bolting for the front door. He exploded through the foyer and into the lounge. His eyes fell on me. Tearing around the furniture, he raced forward and planted his motherf**king fist in my jaw.
“You’re a dumb son of a bitch. In fact, you’re as stupid as she is.” Frederick hit me again, but this time I was ready for him. I ducked and swung, connecting with his ribcage.
He sucked in a breath, yelling, “I told you if you wanted to keep her you’d have to do something drastic.” He hit me again; it landed on my right shoulder.
Heat flashed through my veins and I snarled. “I did do something drastic. I hit her and demanded she come back to me—all while you f**king watched—and then she used the safe-word!” I grabbed the hideous vase I’d been staring at all night and hurled it across the room. It connected with another glass full of flowers, and they thundered to the floor in a chaos of breaking china. “What more can I do? I swore I’d stop if she ever used it.”
Frederick poked my chest with a finger. “You can pull your head out of your ass for one.” He roundhoused me, the f**ker, and his foot connected with my ear. I went down, landing on one knee on the carpet.
I glared, shooting upright to deliver a thick set of knuckles to his jaw.
I forgot why we fought and laid into him. It wasn’t the first time we’d beaten each other to shit, and it wouldn’t be the last. Being evenly matched meant Frederick delivered as good as he got.
I landed a few fists to his upper body, while he managed to cuff me around the head, making me see stars. We huffed and groaned, circling each other like two testosterone-fuelled idiots.
Each punch he delivered gave me something I missed. It gave me a reason to get up and kick his f**king lights out. But I didn’t.
Even though I lived to be violent, I kept myself tamed. I didn’t let myself go killer. I would never kill someone I cared about. And even though Frederick drove me crazy, I cared enough to keep him alive.
We were both breathing hard by the time Frederick did another one of his annoying karate moves and landed me on my ass. He stood over me, offering his hand.
The peace offering broke the tension and I clasped his grip, allowing him to drag me to my feet.
I licked the interior of my lip, pleasantly surprised to find I had a cut. “You’re getting vicious in your old age, Roux,” I mumbled, running a finger along the slice.
He huffed, dragging his hands through his out of place hair. “You deserved it. That was for Tess. For slapping her and being an a**hole. You won’t get her back by forcing her further into herself.”
“But that’s what she always reacts to! She craves pain. She craves what I crave. She’s the mirror image of me, Roux, and I miss her so f**king much.” Shit, where the hell did that come from?
I glowered, wishing I’d kept my mouth shut.
Frederick nodded, a light slowly building in his eyes. “You said she craves what you crave.” He cocked his head, pacing a few steps before spinning to face me. “Have you ever let her hit you? Whip you?”
I grabbed a drinking glass from the sideboard and threw it at his head.
What a f**king blasphemous thing to say. Let her hit me! No f**king way. Not a chance.
Frederick ducked the projectile; it smashed against the wall, adding to the pile of broken china and wilting flowers.
He held up a hand in surrender, thoughts whizzing in his gay-ass blue eyes. “Wait! Hear me out. What if you let her do the things to you that you do to her?”
My jaw locked as panic spread thick and fast. Nothing terrified me more. I gulped at the thought of Tess hurting me, tying me up, degrading me—making me beg. Having complete and utter dominance over me.