“I don’t deserve you.”
“I know.” The words were like a door clicking shut. That was it. Julian had never felt anything real for her. And after he had been so jealous of her! She couldn’t believe it.
“I’m sorry.”
“No, I’m sorry, Julian. I thought this could be a real relationship.”
“It can! It is!”
Shannon shook her head sadly.
“Please, Shannon, don’t do this—”
“Me?” Shannon tore her wrists out of his grasp. “I’m not the one who’s done anything.”
Realization dawned on Julian’s face.
“Shannon, no. No. I didn’t do anything with those girls. And this was the first night—”
“The first night, sure. What, do you think I was born yesterday?” Shannon blotted her fingers against her bottom eyelashes, blinking away the tears spilling over her cheeks. “The first night. And what would you have done tomorrow night, Julian?”
“Nothing! I would never—”
“I don’t believe you!” Shannon trembled. All of her body quivered with anger and hurt.
“I got drunk. I’m drunk.” Julian said, leaning forward. “It’s stupid and I’m the biggest idiot in the world, but I would never ever do anything like that to you.” He paused.
Shannon crossed her arms in front of her. She was done hiding her tears. She stuck out her chin bravely.
“No,” she said finally. “I can’t live like that.”
“Like what?”
“I don’t want to think that you might leave me. I can’t live knowing that you might do something horrible while I’m not there. I can’t live knowing that sometimes you don’t want me.”
“I do want you,” Julian protested. “Always.”
“I won’t just be some girl you’re going to throw away once another woman puts her hands on you. I can’t do it, Julian.” Shannon choked back her grief. Every relationship she’d ever had ended in tears, because she always loved the guy more than he loved her. She flashed back to every breakup she’d ever had. None of them had ever broken up with her. They always slept around and she was always the last person to see it. Second chances, third chances, they all ended the same. It was all the same, all over again. Julian was abandoning her in the easiest way possible for him. She had thought he was the one, but no, of course not. Girls like her never got the guy in the end.
“You are the only person who means anything to me.” Julian said. His eyes rimmed red with tears.
“No,” Shannon said. “Don’t say that. Not after this.”
“You are.” A tear spilled over onto his cheeks, and Shannon could see him struggling to keep himself together.
“Don’t,” she warned.
“Please.”
“No.” Shannon thought she was done crying, but when he looked at her with pleading eyes nothing could keep her tears at bay.
“I can’t tell you how sorry I am. You are the only girl I’ve ever loved, and I—” Julian broke down in tears. Sobbing, he fell to his knees. He leaned forward, his hands pressed in fists to his temples.
“I’ve messed everything up. I’ve f**ked it all up. I love you so much, and I f**ked it up, and I’m sorry, oh god, I’m sorry.”
Shannon’s heart broke at the sight of him weeping. She wanted to put her arms around him, to tell him that it was okay, that everything was okay. But it wasn’t. He had gone and ruined something beautiful, had broken her trust in him. But she fought the urge. If he couldn’t treat her, right, she would have to walk away.
He reached out to touch her, but she stepped back and left him holding air.
“Shannon…” His voice trailed off into silence.
“Goodbye, Julian,” she said, her voice catching on the last syllable. She turned and walked away from her dream.
CHAPTER FOUR
Julian watched her go and could not believe it. He had broken the one true thing, the only thing that mattered to him. All the money and fame and women meant nothing at all to him. Only his relationship with Shannon. And now he had ruined it.
For what? For one night of drinking. So that he could forget his loneliness without her. He could see himself in the not-too-far-off future: drinking at a bar, only his loneliness would be real. He had cut all of the strings holding him up and now he was on his knees with nothing to keep him from falling. The emotion-induced sobriety of the past few minutes disappeared in a wave of fuzziness as Shannon walked away from him into the Paris nighttime.
Julian pulled himself to his feet, feeling the alcohol all too vividly as he tried to catch his balance. Behind him on the sidewalk a small horde of fans and passersby had gathered to watch the drama play out. Julian spun and strode directly into the crowd. Cameras flashed in his eyes and he felt a tidal wave of rage building up, dragging its slow current into a huge cresting fury.
He swung wildly at the nearest person in the crowd with his camera out, not realizing how drunk he really was. He missed his mark and stumbled forward, knocking into a small cluster of fans. One girl screamed.
That’s what they want. Give them what they want.
Rock and roll stars got away with murder, didn’t they? What was a drink or two, anyway? He pushed his way through the crowd, uncertain of where he was or where he was heading. A new wave of bile rose in his throat and he turned to the sidewalk, heaving into the street. The crowd scattered away from him as he retched until all he had left in him was air. He pushed himself up from his knees and stumbled, glancing his head off of a metal pole. A lamppost? His vision spun, streaks of black in the periphery of his eyesight.
Shannon. A horrific aftertaste burned in the back of his throat and he gagged.
“Julian? Julian!”
He felt arms around him, the fingers gripping him through the fabric of his shirt. The fingers were cold. Everything was cold. He shivered.
“Julian, what the hell?” It was Alex’s voice. He swung his head backwards and a blinding white pain blotted out the world for an instant. Then he blinked and Alex and Asher were there, right there, standing over him.
“Don’t worry,” he said, or tried to say. The words that came out of him were choked and slurred and he couldn’t even understand himself.
“Julian!” Asher looked so worried. Julian reached up his hand and tried to wave him away. Shannon was gone, and nothing mattered anymore. He retched again upon remembering how she had looked at him. She had every right to be disgusted with him. He couldn’t blame her, not a bit. She had done the smart thing and walked away from a problem. He only wished he could just walk away from himself and into another life.
“He’s bleeding, look.”
“Let’s take him to the hospital.”
“No!” He yelled and swung his arm out of Alex’s grasp. A surge of dizziness took him over and he fell sideways. The fuzzy colored lights went black, although he wasn’t sure his eyes were closed. The last thing he remembered was the look of worry on Asher’s face and Alex’s voice.
“It’s alright. Everything is going to be fine, Julian.”
Nothing is right, Julian thought. Without her, there’s nothing right about the world at all.
***
Alex called ahead, and as soon as they arrived at the hospital a nurse escorted them to a private room. Julian’s head ached like nothing he had ever known before, worse than waking up from a hangover with nothing to drink. The nurse looked at him with veiled disgust as she helped him into the hospital bed.
I am disgusting. Julian felt like throwing up again, but there was nothing inside of him. Black and white dots streaked across his vision like static whenever he moved his head. He closed his eyes and felt like the world was spinning.
He could hear Pat’s voice, angry and loud. Then a doctor came in, and Julian looked at him from under heavy lids as he shone a light into his pupils. Ow. He flinched, shoving the doctor’s arm away. The doctor spoke quickly in French, and Julian had no idea what he was saying.
“You’re gonna have to stay the night.” Asher stood over him. “Julian? You get me?” Alex and Pat yelled at each other in the corner. Julian nodded his head, the effort causing him to nearly black out. Then the band left, and everything was quiet. The lights went out and for a while he didn’t have to think about Shannon and how much he loved her, and how much he had f**ked it all up.
He woke up in the morning better, at least physically. It had been a rough night, but nothing he hadn’t been through before. He turned to see Asher sleeping in the hospital chair by the bed, a line of drool leading to a dark spot on the pillow tucked behind his bed. Julian groaned and pulled out the IV needle from his hand. A saline drip? He must have really been out of it. He didn’t even remember the nurse putting it in. Julian pulled on his shirt and smacked Asher on the shoulder.
“Hey, come on dude.” Julian pulled on his shoes and walked out the door. He had to get out of this damn hospital. He hated hospitals.
“What? Oh, Julian. Julian!” Asher followed him into the hall like a confused and sleepy puppy.
“Let’s go,” Julian said, gesturing.
“Okay, man,” Asher said, then paused in the middle of the hallway. “Wait, shouldn’t we like, talk to a doctor?”
“I know what’s wrong with me.” And it’s nothing a doctor can fix. I’m wrong inside.
“Dude, what happened last night?”
“I drank too much.”
“No, I mean what happened with Shannon?”
Julian spun around. Bad move—he had to lean on the wall to keep his dizziness from overtaking him.
“I have to call her.” He pulled out his phone and pressed the speed dial. Shannon’s phone rang once, twice, and then went to voicemail. He hung up.
“You texted her like a dozen times already last night. Until we took the phone away from you.”
Julian couldn’t remember making a single one of those texts. “What? What are you talking about?”
“You were really out of it, man.”
Asher paused.
“It sounded like you might do something bad. When you were talking about her last night.”
“Like what?”
“Like, shit about not wanting to live.” Asher shrugged, but there was concern in his voice.
“I’m not suicidal.”
“Could have fooled me.”
“Fuck you.”
“Fuck me? Fuck you!” It was the first time he had ever seen Asher get mad. Hell, he had punched the guy in the face and still he hadn’t blinked an eye. But this time he was furious, albeit a mild kind of furious. “You’re like, f**king up the band when you do this. It’s not just about you, you know!”
Julian felt it like a punch to the gut. He turned away.
“Julian—”
“Jesus, Asher, I’m sorry. I—fuck, I can’t say it enough, even though it doesn’t change anything. I messed up.”
“It’s okay,” Asher said, after a pause. “You can fix it.”