“Watch it lady! If it weren’t for you not feeling well, I’d flip you onto your back.”
And do what? I wish I weren’t sick so I could find out.
“Why didn’t you walk?” he asks again.
How to answer this? “My parents pulled me out of school halfway through my senior year, so I home schooled.” Change the subject, Aundrea!
“Why?”
“Jeez, what’s with the twenty questions? I thought I told you no questions.”
“Aundrea.” He turns so that he’s looking directly at me. Putting his finger under my chin, he tilts my head back, forcing me to look at him. “I want to know everything about you. That’s what getting to know one another is about. What dating is about. Okay?”
I just nod. His big blue eyes have a way of hypnotizing me into doing crazy things.
Parker bends down and kisses the tip of my nose. In a barely there whisper, he asks again, “Why did you home school?”
I take a deep sigh. “I had some problems my senior year, things I don’t want to discuss right now, and my parents thought it would be best to pull me out. I didn’t like it. I still don’t, and it’s a very touchy subject with me, so can we please drop it?”
“Sure.” I watch as he continues going through the photos. When he’s done, he reaches over, placing it on the nightstand next to the other photo. “You sure liked to change your hair. I think I saw, like, ten different styles.”
“Yeah. What can I say? I’m a rebel.”
“Really?” Parker asks curiously. “How much of a rebel?”
I decide to play with him. “A very bad rebel.” I try to keep the laughter from my voice, but can’t contain it when I look at the shocked expression on his face.
“Woman!” He groans, pulling us down onto the bed. He shifts, and tugs me so that I’m forced to lay my head on his shoulder.
“This doesn’t seem like taking things slow.”
The heat of his body is causing me to sweat, and I can’t help but feel disgusted and pray that I don’t smell, but I don’t want to move out of his arms. I’d rather be in his arms and sweaty than not be in them at all.
“Shh.” He kisses my temple, then whispers softly, “Get some sleep. You’re burning up.” Reaching behind him, he turns off the lamp, leaving us to the darkness.
It always comes back to being in the dark. But, for once, I’m okay with it.
I welcome it.
Chapter Ten
I wake up with a kink in my neck and a large knot in my shoulder. I open my eyes, letting it sink in that I’m still in the same position as the night before; lying on Parker’s chest. Slowly I bring my hand up to his chest, lightly pushing off to scoot myself on the other side of the bed. Parker is sound asleep on his back, close to the edge of my bed. His feet are crossed at the ankles. One arm is behind his neck, and the other rests across his stomach.
Swinging my feet off the bed, I run my hands in my hair to make sure the clips in my wig are still holding on. As I reach into the opening of my wig, I notice a couple clips undone. After clipping them in place, I pull back, noticing a few small strands of hair between my fingers. Shit.
I get off the bed, immediately making my way into the bathroom. Taking off my wig, I run my fingers through the short strands that are still trying to grow out. As my hands glide through my hair, strands become entangled between my fingers. Bringing my hands in front of me, I’m faced with clumps of my hair. Double shit.
I brush through my hair, trying to take out all the loose strands, and watch them fall to the counter.
Taking a quick look into the mirror, I quickly reach under my wig and re-snap the small clips into my hair. After snapping the clips back in place, I pull my fingers back just to notice more small stands between my fingers.
“Awesome,” I mutter.
I knew it was a matter of time before this would happen, but it’s still not easy to witness.
When I return, Parker is sitting on the end of my bed with his hands clasped together and his head down. He looks as if he’s deep in thought.
At the sound of me walking toward him, he looks up with a smile. “Sorry about last night. I didn’t mean to fall asleep. Hope you don’t mind.”
“I don’t.” I give him a warm smile. Even though I woke up with a kink and a knot, it was only the second time I’ve slept through the night in four years. Both with Parker. It’s also the first morning that I’ve woken up with no pain associated with my cancer. With that revelation, I add, “I slept great.” Because, really, I did.
“You did?” He rubs the back of his neck. “I have the worst neck cramp. You couldn’t have been that comfortable.”
“You must make a good pillow because I slept right through the night.”
“That or you really didn’t feel good.” He makes his way over to me and pulls me into him for a quick hug before pulling back, keeping me at arm’s length, and giving me a once over. “How are you feeling this morning?”
“Better.”
“Good.”
We stand there awkwardly for a couple of minutes. I start to laugh at the silliness of this. This is exactly why I left that morning after we met. To avoid the awkward feeling of goodbye.
“What’s so funny?”
“Nothing.”
“No, tell me. Please.”
“It’s just … this is what I was trying to avoid the first time. It’s just as awkward saying goodbye now as it would have been then.”
“It’s only awkward if you make it, Aundrea.” And with that, he pulls me into his hold. Leaning down he gives me a soft peck on the lips. “Goodbye, Aundrea. I’ll see you tomorrow?”
“I think so.”
He gives me one more kiss on the top of my head before letting me go. “I’ll call you later.”
“Okay.”
He heads to the door, but before opening it, he gives me a wink. Then he’s gone.
I shake my head at the situation, and laugh at the thought of Genna being camped out by my door all night. I’m thankful it’s Parker who has to face her first.
It hasn’t even been two minutes since I heard Parker saying his goodbyes to Jason that Genna is barging in my room.
“Aundrea! What was that last night?”
“Nothing.” I roll my eyes and walk toward my dresser, taking my wig off as I do. “We just fell asleep. Nothing happened.”
I look back at her disappointed face. “Nothing? Not even a kiss?”
“No.” I laugh. “It’s not like I was feeling 100% myself, Genna.” I continue to laugh as I grab my clothes and walk to the bathroom to take a shower.
Once I’m behind the closed door, I sit on top of the closed toilet seat to catch my balance. My knees feel as if they’re about to give out. It feels like there’s glass grinding behind my kneecaps with every step, making it difficult to move.
Taking calming breaths, I reach for the top drawer, grabbing the clippers I saw in there when I first moved in. There is nothing worse than taking a shower and pulling out clumps of hair or watching them stick to your wet body. Even though my hair is already short, it’s thick.
Turning on the clippers, I bring them to my head. I hesitate at first, but then push the thoughts back and blindly buzz my hair, starting at my forehead and pulling backward. I don’t give myself any time to think about what I’m doing. I just keep moving my hand, letting the hair fall freely to the floor.
It’s surprising how going through this before has changed how I handle it now. Like, it doesn’t even faze me. As much as I miss my hair and want it back, I’m at the point where I just want it all to be over with. The quicker everything happens, the quicker I can move on with my life. I’m tired of constantly feeling as if I’m reliving my past.
I turn the clippers off, setting them on the counter with a shaking hand. I need to shave the rest, but I’ve yet to be able to shave my own head.
Opening the bathroom door, I holler, “Genna! I need you a minute!”
Within seconds, Genna is walking into the bathroom. One look and her hands are covering her gasping mouth. “Dre,” she whispers. “What did you do?”
“It started falling out this morning. I need you to shave the rest. I can’t do this part.”
“Dre …”
“Genna, please. You know I can’t shave the back. I need it all gone.”
“I don’t know …”
“Please.” I hate begging.
“Okay.”
I straddle the toilet. Genna moves in behind me after she takes out a new razor and shaving cream to finish the job.
I wait for her to lather up the shaving cream, but she doesn’t move. After a few more quiet seconds, I reach for it. Pouring some in my hands, I lather it over my buzzed head, covering every inch.
“There. Now shave.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
She doesn’t move. You could hear a pin drop.
“Genna, it’s easy. Pick up your hand, bring the razor to my head, and start shaving. You can’t mess it up. Just take it off.”
“But …”
“For f**k sakes, Genna. Shave my damn head.”
She lets out a squeal of frustration before finally bringing the razor to my head. I feel her making straight slow strokes from my forehead to the nape of my neck. She takes her time as if she’s creating a piece of art rather than taking off hair.
Genna shaves my head in silence. She only watched my mom shave my head once and, as I recall, she only made it halfway through the first time. She walked out crying because she couldn’t stand the sight of it, saying something about it being too difficult to watch. I didn’t blame her. I couldn’t stand it either.
But this time I need her, and she knows it.
Once she’s done, she sets the razor on the counter next to the sink and walks out without a word. I make my way to the mirror and stare at the unrecognizable person in the mirror. The shiny, pale skin that is now displayed makes me disgusted with myself. The pasty tone doesn’t match my normal complexion, and it makes me look a lot younger than I am. My lips look more chapped than I remember. My ears stick out farther than I thought, my eyebrows look misplaced, and my eyes suddenly seem to sit much farther apart. Even my eyelashes look thinner. I don’t recognize the woman looking back at me.
She’s not me.
She’s a stranger.
“Good morning!” Shannon chirps in my ear as I pour a cup of coffee.
I want to groan in response. I’m exhausted. My head is pounding for no apparent reason besides trying to annoy me further. The joints in my hands and knees have been keeping me up, causing me to toss and turn all night in hopes of getting the pain to subside. It never did.
I was given a prescription of Percocet for pain and Robaxin to relax my muscles just before my bone marrow procedure. Dr. Olson informed me that I might need them during chemo and to call if I needed a refill, but I never use them. Narcotics and I don’t mix well. My body becomes light, my vision comes and goes, and it makes me feel as if I’m having an out of body experience.