“You’re blocking out the pain. If you don’t want to feel it, then you won’t get what this is all about. So there’s no point in continuing further.”
His explanation made no sense and only served to anger me. “What is this all about, Gabriel? I’m doing what you want. I’m not fighting you. I’m not trying to stop you. My ass is blistered all to hell and I’m sure I’ll be bruised for days!”
Gabriel remained polite, remote even. “You may be obeying me, Emma, but it’s in body only. I want your mind with me as well. Otherwise, there’s no point.”
My mind spun his words about, trying to understand what Gabriel wanted of me. “Do you want me to suffer?”
“I understand that’s why you might see it that way, but no. I’m not looking for your suffering, Emma. I’m looking for you to submit to the experience, to be fully present in what happens here. To face all your feelings and share them with me. That’s what I’m looking for, my love. And that is not what you want.”
Gabriel’s solemn tone filled me with despair. I swallowed down my knot of guilt. As always he was perceptive. Perhaps too perceptive. “You’re right, Gabriel. I did exactly what you say I did. I guest I was trying to prove how tough I was.”
He nodded, gorgeous gaze impassive with a hint of compassion lighting up their sparkling depths. “And trying to avoid feeling pain.”
I wouldn’t deny it. “And I was trying to avoid feeling pain.”
Gabriel cupped my cheek. The heat of his hand penetrated. Knowing why his palm was so hot sent an enigmatic flutter through me. “That’s why you’re lost, Emma. You’re constantly trying to block pain out and when that doesn’t work, you try to run away.”
“Nobody likes pain, right? It’s a normal reaction,” I argued feebly.
“Maybe, but it doesn’t mean it’s a good one.” Gabriel traced the outline of my lips. “I can’t let you do that when you’re with me, baby. Understand? You withdraw, everything stops. When we do this, then you have to be completely present. It’s a non-negotiable rule, Emma, and I can’t let you break it.”
“Okay.” I drew in a deep, shaky breath. “I’m never going to be able to do this, am I?”
“Of course, you are. You haven’t slapped me or burst into tears because I’ve been so damn mean to you. That makes you a winner in my book, baby.”
I took a step back. Already I missed his touch. “You haven’t been mean to me, Gabriel. Anything but.”
Gabriel dropped his arm. He watched me warily, seemingly expecting me to bolt. I couldn’t blame him. Running was what I did well and often.
“I want to do it again.”
“Perhaps another time—”
“No! Now.” I modulated my tone and swallowed my desperation. I could barely look him in the eye, knowing I’d easily broken another rule. He was supposed to be in charge of this. Not me. Still I pushed in the hopes I could redeem myself. “I need to do it again. Please, Gabriel. Let me do it again.”
“You don’t control your punishment, Emma. I do.”
“I understand.” I didn’t want to fail. Not again. I wanted to prove to Gabriel I was capable of doing this. I needed to show him. Although I wanted to argue my case, I wisely stopped talking. Instead, I stood in place and waited for my lover to decide if I could be trusted with another chance.
Just when I thought he would deny me, Gabriel granted me a short nod. “Very well. Sit down.” I immediately sank back onto the couch in relief. Gabriel then went to his desk. A mechanical whir sounded. I looked over my shoulder to see curtain blinds come down over the expansive wall of windows. Music filled the air, soft enough to be soothing but loud enough to perhaps cover any incidental sounds we might make?
I wonder why he didn’t do this from beginning. Unless he knew it would turn out this way?
Gabriel returned. He stood in front of me, quietly observing me with solemn regard. Although my nerves made me want to jump out of my skin, I sat still, gaze drifting towards my feet while waiting for his next move.
Did I make a mistake asking for this? I did. I know I did. Damnit! Mentally groaning, I wished I had never stepped foot in his office. I didn’t have to stay. In fact, it was better if I didn’t.
“Stand up,” he finally directed, voice gentle as ever.
I surged to my feet, not sure if I was obeying or rebelling. He took his place on the sofa and then patted his thighs.
I demanded this so why was I hesitating now? The world moved a million miles a minute, too fast for me make it stop.
“Changing your mind again, Emma?”
“Of course not.” Without further hesitation I laid myself over his lap. Gabriel gathered my wrists in one hand. I startled. “Gabriel?”
“Yes, my love?”
“Why are you holding onto me like that?”
“Because you’ll struggle and fight. I don’t want you to hurt yourself.”
Okay, I got what I wanted. I got Gabriel to finish. Gretchen’s hints of fun spankings drifted through my mind like smoke. Obviously, nothing about this could be mistaken for a fun spanking.
“Are you ready?”
Deep breath. “Yes.” I stiffened before remembering to loosen my limbs. I wasn’t supposed to fight it. I wanted to prove to us both that I could do this. And I could.
But nothing happened. I lay there across his lap while time simply ticked away. Self-conscious to the core, I assumed this was another one of Gabriel’s games. He was determined to either outwait me or was testing me to see how long I’d lay there before saying something.
No way was I going to break.
Gabriel wanted me to be open to the experience, whatever that may be. I would do just as he asked. He waited in silence. So could I. Matching my breathing to the musical notes delicately layering the air, I narrowed my gaze on the fine stitching on his leather shoes.
Just when I reached number 57, Gabriel spoke.
“Who do you think just won our little game of chicken here, Emma? Was it you?”
Although his voice remained pleasant, I detected an edge of frustration. I had no interest in lying so I spoke honestly. “I’d say yes.” His hand tightened on my wrists before letting go.
“Because it was a competition between us, a battle of wills to see who’d break first. Bravo.”
“Thank you.” I wanted to sit up and face Gabriel so I could better judge his mood. I must’ve tensed my body before he pressed down on the small of my back in subtle warning.
“I already told you I’m not going to punish you tonight, Emma.”
Wisely swallowing my cries of protest, I waited for him to continue. Gabriel merely lifted me back onto my feet. I couldn’t hide my sharp disappointment.
“We are not engaging in a battle of wills here, dear girl. I decide when or if things of this nature happen. I will not be coerced in any way, do you understand?”
Twin stripes flamed across my cheeks. “Then why did you agree to do it, Gabriel?”
“My reasons are my own.” He modulated his tone, keeping it soft and neutral.
“I believe you at least owe me an explanation.”
“Not in these matters, my love. My space, my rules.”
“You keep saying rules, but I only end up finding out about them after the fact. That’s hardly fair, Gabriel.”
“No, it isn’t. Then again, very little between us has been fair.”
I blanched. I felt as if Gabriel had done it this way on purpose. He punished me, just not the way I expected.
“I see.” I pinched the bridge of my nose. A headache brewed in the space between my rage and humiliation.
“I wonder if you really do.”
“I see enough.”
Gabriel shook his head and crossed one long leg over the other. “You always have to do things the hard way, Emma. I can’t even begin to understand why you won’t just accept the love I want to give you. It frustrates me, but that’s not why you’re standing and I’m sitting. Do you know why I won’t spank you right now?”
In a voice steadily growing thick with tears, I answered, “Because I didn’t do it right the first time.”
Again I doubted my sanity for having purposely sought this out. Rejection thrummed in my veins.
“No, baby. Try again. You’re close though. Just change a few words. Here’s a hint—those that involve right.”
“Because I didn’t do what you said the first time.”
“That’s part of it.”
I wracked my brain, trying to find out what else I could have possibly done wrong. I remembered how Gabriel called me a brat. This time tears prickled my lids. I thought to blink them away, but they were part of the experience and I was going to share everything because I said I would.
“I acted like a brat towards you.”
“And what do you think is worse, Emma? Being disobedient or acting like a brat?” How he managed to keep his voice so soft in our emotional morass was beyond me.
Distress entered my tone. I ran my hand through my hair. “I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do.”
I slashed the air with my hand. “I said I don’t! What the fuck, Gabriel? I feel like I’m the only one trying here. I’m the one sacrificing everything, going against my entire belief system just so I can make you happy! I’m going out on a limb here and you’re just leaving me to hang. I hate it and I wished I’d never agreed to any of this!”
I immediately wanted to slap my hands over my spiteful mouth.
“And finally we have some modicum of truth.”
Shaking my head, I apologized. “Gabriel, I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean it. Not all of it. I mean…” I blew out a long breath. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have lashed out like that.”
He held his hand up. “Don’t. Don’t ever apologize for telling me your truth. I may not like it, but I never want you to lie to me about how you honestly feel. No matter what it is.”
Gabriel’s sincerity gutted me. I rubbed the back of my hand against my eyes. The more I rubbed the more I cried. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
He stood up and wrapped me in his arms. “It’s okay, Emma. Ssh, my sweet girl.”
The more he comforted me, the worse I felt. “I didn’t mean for any of this to turn out like this. I just wanted to surprise you. I tried to be what you wanted…instead I…” My throat clogged with tears.
“It’s okay, baby. Honestly it is.” Gabriel tightened his arms and murmured, “You don’t have to change yourself for me. I love you as you are. I always have.”
“But—”
“No. Things between us don’t have to move so quickly. They’ll happen when it’s the right time. I’m not in any rush, Emma. We can take all the time in the world. So please don’t feel pressure.”
I buried my face in his chest, taking as deep a breath as I could. Gabriel’s scent soothed me even as I ratcheted up my sobs. Hadn’t Gretchen warned me to be patient? Didn’t she tell me not to try to control this, to let it happen on its own time schedule?