Ice spread from my fingers and trickled down my spine. “No.”
“We talked about this at lunch last week, remember? You’re either in all the way or you’re not. And you’re not playing by those rules. You’re physically submitting, but not mentally. It’s not enough.”
I found my seat again, feeling stripped and exposed. “That’s what he said.”
“In many ways, that’s worse than not even trying at all.”
Although Gretchen said it gently, frustration sharpened my tone. “But I am trying! Doesn’t that even count at all?”
Gretchen took my outburst in stride. “I don’t know. You tell me. Are you happy right now? Was trying enough?”
Knocking back the rest of my drink, I clenched my eyes shut as the liquid burned a path down my throat straight to my belly. “I’m scared, Gretchen. I’m so scared and I don’t even know why.”
“Are you afraid of him?”
“No, I’m not.” I paused, thinking about the ever-present fear that Gabriel would eventually leave. “At least, not about this stuff.”
“Then what? Why else are you stuck like this? Emma, are you afraid to love him? I know you’ve closed yourself off all these years because of what you shared with him. Are you afraid of letting him fully inside?”
My answer didn’t come as quickly. “I already told you. I love him too much.”
Silence scattered then, “Do you want to know what I think? I think you’re afraid to love him because you’re afraid you’re going to lose him again. You won’t let yourself go because of that fear.” The pronouncement came down like a killing blow, final and unavoidable. “Oh, Emma, that’s no way to live…”
Gretchen’s sympathy was almost too much to bear. There was nothing to deny because it was all too obviously true. I wanted to throw my glass against the wall. Violence danced darkly in my veins. “Why can’t things just be normal?”
Her answers sliced deep, ruthless in its verbose simplicity. “You will never be normal, Emma. Regardless of whether you stay with this man or find yourself someone who is pure vanilla, you will never be normal. If you were normal you would’ve run away from all of this by now. If you were normal you would’ve never been my friend. If you were normal you would think I’m a whore. I, for one, am very glad you are not normal.”
Oh, Gretchen…
Humbled, I looked her in the eye and whispered, “I’m such a bitch. No wonder I’ve made such a mess of all this. I’m too afraid to get close to the only man I’ve ever loved. I inadvertently insult the only real friend I’ve ever had. I should go before I say anything else that confirms my inexcusable bitchiness.”
“Try to leave and I’ll spank you myself.” My shocked expression brought out a small bubble of laughter. She turned serious very quickly. “I won’t try to convince you of why I think it’s a wonderful idea for you to submit to your gentleman. I won’t tell you that your need to control everything in your environment is unhealthy for you and always has been. I won’t tell you that I’ve known you for almost seven years and have never seen you be this scared…and this happy.”
“Okay, now that you’re done not telling me those things,” I quipped with a wry grin, trying to charm the seriousness out of her expression, “what are you going to tell me?”
“I’m telling you to stand still and stop running away again. What are you so afraid of, Emma? No bullshit this time.”
My smiled died a quick death. I set my glass down on the small coffee table. Overwhelmed, I buried my head in my hands. The darkness made it safer to share. “I pretend to be strong all the time. Until he came along again, I thought I really was. It’s easy to be strong when you don’t let anyone get too close.”
That’s when I found the key.
I wasn’t locked in a room by myself, scrambling for any way to get out. Gabriel was right there with me. He didn’t know what to do either and in fact had told me as much over and over again. I couldn’t understand it until now. The only difference between us was Gabriel was fully committed to me, despite his fear.
It would be so much easier for him to be with someone like Embry. Someone as magnetic as Gabriel Gordon never lacked for female attention. He could have practically anyone he wanted. Someone who would do anything he asked without issue. Perfectly. Easily.
Gabriel didn’t want easy. He wanted me.
He trusted his heart. It was beyond time for me to trust mine.
After all, why did I love Gabriel? Why couldn’t I forget him after all these years? Was I so shallow to love someone just because he was male perfection defined? Did I love him just because he loved me in return?
No.
I loved Gabriel because of his unwavering kindness. I loved him because he saw the value in not just me, but everyone around him. Gabriel’s strength came not from money or power, but from having the strength to love who he wanted, regardless of the possibility of social stigma.
Gabriel’s love, though unconventional, was just as pure as any I’d ever witnessed. He wasn’t afraid to show his love for me and he didn’t try to pretend it wasn’t there. He loved exuberantly and the only fear he seemed to have was because of me.
I made him afraid because I was afraid to show him my love.
I did try to pretend my love for him wasn’t as strong as it was.
I loved stingily because I was afraid he couldn’t possible love me because I wasn’t perfect.
Gabriel didn’t have to be perfect for me. Neither did I.
“Emma? Where’d you go?”
“Home.” I lifted my head, brilliant smile stretching my face wide. My mental manacles unlocked. All my worry, fear, and anxiety dropped to the ground. “Gretchen, you’ve saved me! You have no idea how much I appreciate everything you’ve done for me tonight.”
“I didn’t do anything but listen, Emma.”
“Yes, but that’s what I needed. I will repay you one day.”
“You don’t have to repay me, lovely.” Her crimson lips lifted into a knowing grin, instantly making her look years younger and not nearly so sophisticated. “So you’ve finally figured things out concerning your gentleman?”
“Yes.” I jumped up and hugged her. “I understand things about myself so much better now.”
“Good.” Gretchen patted my back slowly. I remembered her unease of being touched for long and instantly pulled away. My warm gaze thanked her in ways I couldn’t show.
“You know what, Gretchen? I’m glad I’m not normal too.”
“This is quite a 180.” She looked at me sideways. “How much did you have to drink before coming here? I barely gave you enough to get you tipsy!”
I laughed out loud. “I don’t need alcohol! I’m drunk on knowledge!”
Gretchen squeezed my fingertips. “So tell me, are you going to be seeing me soon to tell me how happy you are? I want to hear that so I don’t worry!”
“I’ll be back before you know it, telling you all about how in love I am, how blissful each day is…I’ll be so sickeningly sweet you’ll be this close to smacking me upside the head for it.”
And I’d been in a state of ecstasy ever since.
The euphoria I had experienced at Gabriel’s penthouse and briefly in his office was with me all the time. Nothing bothered me anymore because I trusted myself. I didn’t let the threads in my mind form dizzying circles. I wasn’t afraid of the future, nor did I get worked up when I thought of Gabriel and how I was going to fit in his life.
When traffic snarled, as it inevitably did, I didn’t stew in my seat and worry that I was going to be late as I usually did. I trusted I would get to work at the right time. Work deadlines didn’t have me furiously sprinting from task to task. I knew I’d never go over and miss them.
Everything would fall into place.
Gabriel came out of my closet with several dresses over his arm. “Emma, where’s your suitcase?”
“In the closet by the front door.”
He arched a brow. “Usually you answer my question with a question.”
“No. Not this time.” I crossed my arms behind my head, relaxed like a woman at complete ease in her surroundings. “You’ll tell me what I need to know when it’s time.”
Gabriel came closer. He carefully placed my clothes at the foot of the bed before approaching me. With one hand on my chin, Gabriel turned my head this way and that. “Who are you and what have you done with my Emma?”
I batted his hand. “What? Would you prefer me to argue over every little thing?” I asked with an impish grin. “Because I can do that for you.”
He tapped my nose once. In a voice dripping with haughty condensation, Gabriel sniffed, “That’s quite all right, my dear girl. I will inform you immediately if that changes.”
I stuck my tongue out.
Gabriel suddenly lunged forward and stuck his in my mouth, dominating me with every aggressively sweet stroke. My heartbeat sped up, ecstatic to finally have him with me. This was right. This was worth it.
Gabriel was more than worth the pain, doubt, and fear I had suffered since knowing him again.
I slid my hand under his shirt. The feeling of his taut muscles under my questing fingers urged me to press my body against his. I wanted to rip his clothes off. Apparently, Gabriel had the same idea—except for me.
My T-shirt and jeans immediately found a place on the floor. My lover easily turned me over onto my stomach. His hand skimmed across my underwear. I closed my eyes, fallen into bliss. All I wanted was Gabriel’s touch. Arching into his hand, I purred with exquisite pleasure.
“You didn’t bruise. I’m not sure if that pleases me or not.”
“Why?”
His lips kissed a sensitive spot above my hip. I shifted in growing excitement. “Because I wanted you to wear them as a reminder of me.”
The dark words thrilled. “If it makes you feel better, I’m still sore. I have to be careful not to sit down too hard.”
Gabriel tasted me before sinking his teeth into my flesh. “That makes me feel only a little better. Emma?”
“Yes?” I gasped, caught in the brilliant sting. I wanted him to do it again.
He kissed his way up my back and moved my hair off my shoulder. Gabriel’s lips branded me as his. “Do you remember what I promised to do when I got back?” he whispered against my ear.
“I do, but I need a little reminder.” A slow smile eased across my face, impish and deliberately innocent.
“Oh, you do?” Gabriel licked my earlobe. I couldn’t control the pleasure shudders running through my body. It’d been two days too long. Gabriel eased my panties down until they too ended up on the floor. I looked over my shoulder and watched as Gabriel kissed my nak*d bottom. “Is this a good reminder?” he asked in a throaty growl while concentrating on my rounded hip.
I stretched languorously and arched, playing coy. “I’m starting to remember.”