“I understand,” I said. “Believe me, I do.”
“He doesn’t lash out. He just slowly…slowly, slowly seeps into everything you have and ruins it with his opinions and insinuations and father-knows-best. He’s a leech. An energy vampire. Whatever you want to call those people who just suck the life out of you.”
I giggled. “Energy vampire?”
“It’s the middle of the night. Cut me some slack.”
“You’re the one who started talking,” I said, reasonably.
He sighed, into the darkness.
“This whole situation is insane,” he said. I could hear a wry smile in his voice. “You know, my life made a lot more sense before I met you.”
I shook my head. “Look, okay, I know it’s weird, but I have all the confidence in the world that you’ll figure out how to handle it. You always do. You’re much better with people than you think you are.”
“Yes, of course,” he said. “That’s why I got written up as ‘the notably anti-social Daniel Thorne.’” He was referring to a tabloid article from ages ago, which he clearly hadn’t forgotten.
“I’m pretty sure that’s a misquote,” I said.
“Well, the sentiment was the same. Regardless, this isn’t about whether or not I can put on a show of being a convincing human. This is about me and my father and that’s simply not something I thought I’d ever have to deal with again. So you’ll forgive me if I’m…”
“Reticent?”
“Or, yes. Any of the negative words you might use to describe my recent behavior.”
“I understand. I know I’ve said that a million times and it doesn’t have any meaning anymore, but I really truly do understand and I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this right now. I don’t like it either. But if you just ignore it, you know, that’s not going to make it any better. You’re just going to be forever wondering what if.”
“I won’t argue with that,” he said. “I just hope I don’t end up wondering what if I hadn’t.”
I didn’t have an answer to that.
***
As I slipped back into my clothes in the obstetrician’s office, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I’d spent an awful lot of time being poked and prodded at. The good news was, now that my pregnancy was confirmed, everything looked “just fine.” I wasn’t sure what that meant at this early stage in the game, but I certainly wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth.
After I’d pulled myself together, I went to meet the doctor in her office. Daniel was already sitting in one of the chairs facing the desk.
“So, as I was just telling your wife, everything looks great at this point,” Dr. Lambert was saying. “Based on what she’s told me, this is the due date I’m estimating,” she tapped something she’d written on one of the many pamphlets that was spread across her desk, “but bear in mind that is just an estimate. Once you get closer to that time, you’re going to want to let your body tell you when it’s ready.”
“Sure,” I said, vaguely remembering my mom saying something about being pregnant with me for ten months.
“I know it can be overwhelming to deal with a first pregnancy,” she said, “there’s a lot to think about, and you might not be able to think of all the questions that you need the answers to right now. We have a phone line that you can call at any time if you have a non-urgent question, and one of our nurses will get an answer for you. Or, if you call after hours, you can leave a message and someone will call you back as soon as they can. Barring that, I recommend that non-urgent questions can be researched on the internet - from a reputable source, such as the Mayo Clinic website.”
She hit the word a little hard, looking at me as if she suspected I might be the type of person to try and find emergency medical help on Yahoo Answers.
“Sure,” I said. “Absolutely.”
“Now, I’m just going to take a little bit of a family medical history. These are just good things to know. They don’t necessarily tell us anything about the health of the baby; we just like to have them in our records, just in case.”
Just in case what? I wanted to ask. But, of course, I didn’t.
She quizzed each of us in turn, writing notes on my chart as she did.
“Excellent,” she said, when it was finally all over. “Based on this, I’m not seeing any significant risk factors that need to be taken into consideration. So that’s good news.”
“My mother had a long gestation period,” I blurted out, suddenly. “Is that - will - does that have any effect on me?”
“Not necessarily,” said Dr. Lambert, with an understanding smile. “A lot of women find that their pregnancy experiences are the polar opposites of what other women in their family go through - and can even vary widely from one pregnancy to the next. The same woman might have a completely different pregnancy with each child.”
“Well, that’s comforting,” I muttered.
“Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water,” Daniel deadpanned.
Dr. Lambert chuckled. “But, oftentimes, there will be common elements that you can come to expect with each pregnancy. So you will learn something your first time around, if you decide to go back for seconds.”
“Excellent,” said Daniel. “You just don’t know which things are useful until they happen.”
“Essentially, yes,” said Dr. Lambert. “But a lot of women find it’s comforting to simply be able to say ‘oh, I’ve been through this before’ in a situation where they might otherwise be confused or worried.”
“I see,” said Daniel. He sounded mildly skeptical.
“Don’t worry too much about it,” I said, patting his arm. “This is my cross to bear, let’s not forget.”
“But don’t be afraid to let him help you,” said Dr. Lambert. “It’s very important to understand your limitations. Your body’s going to be experiencing a lot of stresses, and a lot of changes. Physically and emotionally. It’s normal to feel overwhelmed and out-of-control at times. But at the same time, if something feels truly wrong, or greatly concerns you, it’s definitely worth making an appointment to come see me. Anything from morning sickness to mood swings - if it’s too intense for you to deal with, and it starts seriously interfering with your life, there are plenty of things that we can do to help you.”
“Thanks,” I said. “I appreciate that.”
“Don’t get me wrong,” the doctor went on. “Pregnancy is no walk in the park, no matter what modern conveniences we throw at it. But it can be much, much easier than it used to be. There’s no need for women to suffer in silence anymore, for the most part. We can alleviate a lot of the worst symptoms, if they come up. But at the same time, you need to understand that you’re carrying, feeding, and supporting another human being inside of your body. So a certain amount of disturbance is completely normal and natural.”
She glanced down at my chart again. “So, it doesn’t look like you’re on any prescription drugs except your birth control, which I imagine you stopped taking when you found out you were pregnant.”
I nodded.
“That’s good news,” she said. “You won’t need to transition off of any medication. You don’t smoke?”
“No, and I already packed up all my wine to give away.” Something occurred to me. “What about caffeine?”
“We generally say that a moderate amount is okay.” She flipped open a pamphlet and pointed to a string of numbers. “This is a guideline, but honestly, a lot of women end up forgoing it completely because it makes them feel safer. It’s important to be aware that caffeine is a drug, a stimulant - and it does cross the placenta to the baby. Studies show that reasonable amounts aren’t really harmful, but it’s doubtful that they’re helpful. I say if you can go without it, then go without it. But if you absolutely can’t, it’s not going to hurt you or the baby. A lot of women have trouble sleeping, especially as the pregnancy progresses and they get less comfortable. So if you need to get to work in the morning and a cup of coffee is the only thing that’s going to do the job, absolutely. But otherwise…”
“Got it,” said Daniel. “No caffeine.”
“That’s not what she said,” I grumbled, but he was right. I’d most likely go without.
When we finally left the office, with me clutching a folder full of pamphlets to my chest, I felt strangely…calm. I wasn’t sure why I kept expecting panic to set in, but I supposed there’d be plenty of time for that later.
I sat down in the armchair in the living room after we got home, looking down at the forgotten notepad where I’d begun writing Daniel’s biography.
“We really need to get back to work at some point,” I said, picking it up off the table and turning it over in my hands.
“At some point,” said Daniel, flopping down on the sofa. “What do you think about…Lila, for a girl?”
“Lila?” I repeated. “Wait. No, no, it is way too early to start talking about names.”
“Never too early,” he protested. “You’ve got to burn through all the bad ideas first. What about Mabel?”
“That would be great, if we were in Little House on the Prairie.” I smiled at the face he made. “Seriously, though, no. Let’s not talk about this right now.”
He was silent for a moment. “Catherine?” he said, finally.
I threw the pen at him.
“Hey,” he protested, dodging. “Do you know how much that cost?”
“No,” I said. “And for the love of God, don’t tell me.”
He was very quiet for a moment, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees. I could tell he was getting lost in thought, as he was prone to do more than occasionally.
“This is really happening, isn’t it,” he said, finally, the tone of his voice indicating it wasn’t a question.
“It’s really happening.” I set the notebook down. “I even pinched myself to make sure.”
“I have to talk to my father, don’t I?” He said it so softly that I almost wondered if he was talking to himself rather than to me.
I swallowed. “Do you want to?”
He didn’t answer, but he didn’t have to. I knew the answer, and had known it all along. It was written across his face.
No, but I’m going to anyway.
Seven
When I called Genevieve saying I wanted to meet, I didn’t tell her I was bringing company. When she looked up from her table at the coffee shop and saw Daniel, he looked surprised. “So she brought you around, huh?”
“I suppose so.” Daniel looked intensely uncomfortable. “Is there any way you can…arrange a meeting? If he is who we think he is, I don’t want our first conversation to be on the phone.”