With a faint sigh, I shower, then go in search of March. When I locate him, he’s closeted with Loras, going over the information Tarn and Leviter have sent back to base. Obviously, March is working on strategy and deployment while he’s here. He might even be helping Constance coordinate individual maneuvers in the field. I can’t back up enough to see the big picture, but I’m sure it’s diabolical and effective. This must be what March is doing while Sasha feels worthless. Lessons with an AI, then practice with a power you’re never permitted to use must feel pretty pointless. March is so focused on the kid’s physical safety that he’s not thinking about his mental and emotional health.
Mary, I don’t want to have this conversation.
As I step into the room, Loras looks up with a smile. “Ah, Jax. We’re almost finished here. I collect you’re here to take March away?”
I laugh at that. “I don’t own him, so that’s his choice. But if you’re at a stopping point, I could use a word.”
“Farah’s commed me twice anyway. She wants to talk about…” At my skeptical expression, he flushes. “Oh, never mind.”
“Right. She wants to talk.”
March seems puzzled, but he doesn’t ask. Instead, he falls into step with me as I leave the briefing room. “What’s up?”
“It’d be faster if you just look.” There’s the number one perk of a Psi lover.
Frowning, he complies, and within a minute, he’s glaring at me. “This isn’t your concern, Jax.”
“Sasha made it my business,” I say, folding my arms. “If you don’t stop coddling him, you’ll lose him. He’s not a baby anymore.”
“He’s thirteen.”
“How old were you when you killed your first man?”
He turns, running a hand through his dark hair. “I don’t want him to turn out like me.”
“From where I’m standing, that’s not a bad thing.” I put my hand on his shoulders, feeling his tension. “This war will go on a long time. I know you don’t want to hear it, but he’ll be grown by the time it ends, most likely. And if you pen him up without regard for how he feels, he’s going to run like hell when he gets free. You might never see him again.”
“The idea is ridiculous,” he snarls. “He’s a child.”
“Not as much as you want him to be.”
He levels a gaze on me that’s all icy amber light. “Do me a favor, Jax. Stay out of my business.”
Hurt spikes through me. “I thought you were my business.”
“Sasha isn’t. You walked away from any right to interfere where he’s concerned. I understood why. But you don’t get to step in now and make a big, fragging, Jax-style mess out of a kid I’ve done a decent job with.”
That’s what he thinks? I wish I could argue, but history shows otherwise, so I can’t even say he’s wrong. I never seem to make anything better without screwing it up first. It’s my MO, and I’m doing it again right now.
“Then why are you with me?” I ask. “Why do you wait for someone like me? Especially when you already made it clear you think I’m selfish for wanting my own life.”
“I can’t leave, can I?”
Shock pushes me back a step, away from him. “I didn’t make you wait five turns for me. You could’ve moved on. And you wouldn’t be stuck here.”
“Jax…” He seems to realize belatedly how much he’s hurt me. “I waited because I love you.”
There’s a prickle in my mind, like sharing headspace will make it better. Instead, it just shows him how bad I’m wounded. But he can’t wipe these feelings away—and even if he can, I don’t want him to. So I bring my walls up and force him out. I learned to do that during the Morgut War, when we were partners in the cockpit, but nowhere else. The force of it drives the color from his cheeks; I’ve never done that before.
I take another step backward. “Bullshit. You waited because you like being a martyr. But you know what? I’ve done some bad, fragged-up things in my life. And I’m sorry for them. But I do not believe I deserve to be unhappy. I refuse to be with someone who’s using me like a hair coat.”
“It’s not like that,” he says.
“Really? You act like you’re the only one who’s been lonely. I’m waiting, too.”
“Yeah,” he snaps. “I’m sure you are…with Vel around.”
“You’re jealous of him?”
“He put his mark on you, Jax. Of course I hate it…but then, I’m a primitive male. Obviously, I don’t get your ‘special connection’ that transcends sex.” Anger radiates from him. “You know how that makes me feel? Like you get all your emotional needs met somewhere else, and you just come to me for a good, hard—”
“Seriously?” My jaw drops. “You’ve been inside my head repeatedly. You know that isn’t true.”
“All I know is that you love someone who isn’t me. You’ll go anywhere with him…but you never stay with me.”
I shake my head. “It’s more accurate to say he’ll go anywhere with me. So maybe you’re jealous of that…because you can’t right now.”
“While we’re clearing the air, Jax, what about the colors Vel wears? Tell me that’s nothing to do with you. I looked up that symbol, and it means ‘grimspace’ in Ithtorian. So while you were with him—and I was waiting—you gave him some kind of commitment? That’s more than I ever got from you. I just hear bullshit about how Kai said desire means more than promises.”
Okay, maybe I screwed up. I should have said something to him, but when? As I was leaving Nicuan, or during one of the vid messages? By the way, March, I gave Vel my colors. It doesn’t mean we’re married. I love you, bye!
“You said you accept me…that you get me. You let me think you understood. Now you’re telling me that was all a lie?”
His shoulders slump. “I thought I’d lose you if I told the truth.”
“You’d only lose me if you forced a choice…because love shouldn’t be like that.” I sigh softly. “And I have a feeling you’re only bringing it up now because you don’t want to talk about Sasha.”
“I don’t,” he says miserably.
I go on as if he hasn’t spoken. “And now I’m not allowed to have opinions on this aspect of your life that I’m not a part of? Whatever, March. I know exactly how Sasha feels…and if you keep it up, you’ll lose both of us.”
I turn then because I’m damned if I’m spending my limited R&R fighting with him. He can go back to looking at charts with Loras, or maybe he should talk to his kid. Either way, I’m done. When he dragged Vel into it, he went too far.
CHAPTER 26
There’s another day of leave, at best.
But I’m not in the mood to join my squad-mates in blowing off steam. I brood, work out, and take my meals at off-hours, so I don’t have to see anyone. Eventually, I need to apologize to March for interfering; I don’t blame him for being angry. In retrospect, it’s crazy to discuss letting a kid fight. For the La’hengrin, it makes sense because it’s their world, but for March, it was the ultimate red flag, and I should’ve known better. I was thinking of Sasha as a fully developed person, not a minor who needs to be guided. That was my mistake. But he made some, too, not least was misleading me about his level of understanding of our situation—and the things he said about Vel…
If Dina were here, she’d tell me to get over myself already. But she’s not, so I wallow for a good long while before Vel finds me. It’s the middle of the night on the surface, but I’m not sleeping. Doubtless, I’ll be sorry for this move when we ship out in the morning, but for now, I keep drinking, so long as the kitchen-mate will keep processing my requests. The shitty part is, the nanites kick in the minute I get a good buzz on. They process the alcohol that’s poisoning me and restore me to sobriety faster than I like.
“I had an…interesting conversation with March earlier.”
I glance up as Vel sits down opposite me. The mess is totally empty at this hour, so there’s ample privacy. Though I don’t feel like talking to anyone, not even him, I say, “About what?”
“You.”
“That’s fantastic,” I mutter.
“He asked about my intentions, Sirantha.”
For a few seconds, I think the nanites have stopped working—which means I’m normal—and drunk…and that I can’t have heard him right. “What?”
“He seems to be laboring under the impression that he stands in the way of our grand passion.” By the rapid twitch of his mandible, Vel is hideously amused.
“I’m going to kill him.”
“No need for violence when our passionate love has been acknowledged at last.”
“So you suffer the agonies of the damned due to our fierce, unconsummated devotion?” I eye him, wondering how far he’ll take this. “Well, I’m in the mood for revenge sex, and I might be drunk enough to do unspeakable things to you.”
“Perhaps not quite the agonies of the damned.” He’s still wearing the Ithtorian equivalent of a smirk.
“Yeah, I thought that might make you backpedal.”
Somehow, he musters a sober mien. “I am sorry. I should not find so much entertainment in your interpersonal difficulties.”
“You’re just afraid I’ll make you sleep with me.”
“I fear no such thing,” he replies. “You have slept with me many times.”
Not what I mean, but it’s just as well there are no witnesses. March’s head would explode. Maybe he fears this bond more because it’s not about sex. I sigh and put my head on the table. This isn’t the time to ponder such things. I need to stay sharp. Personal issues can wait…or they should, at least. Unfortunately, people don’t preserve neatly in plastic, frozen in place until you’re ready to deal with them again.
Vel rests a claw lightly on my hair. “He offered to step aside to make way for me.”
Oh really? How enlightened of him. It’s not like I can choose. Obviously, the males need to settle it between themselves and save me the burden of thinking.
“What did you say?” I quirk a brow.
“That I needed to talk with you first.” Here comes the mandible twitch again.
This time, humor overwhelms the aggravation and chagrin. “You knew that would drive him crazy, didn’t you?”
“I…suspected.”
“Are you ready to beg me to be yours alone?”
From the flash in his side-set eyes and the way he draws back, Vel looks genuinely horrified. “No.”
“I didn’t think so.” I prop my chin on my hands and sigh. Yeah, I’m screwing with him a little, but he deserves it.