What alternative was there to waiting? Turning his back? Not likely. Not on her. Anyone else and he might’ve shown her the door and breathed a sigh of relief once she’d used it.
But the thought that he might bide his time only to have her decide in the end she couldn’t be with him…that thought made his heart seize up in a tight, burning knot.
“I could have you, Candace. I could come barging back into your life and you wouldn’t try to stop me. Even if you did, I could break down your defenses. I could’ve taken you right here on the floor, and you wouldn’t have said no. I could push and seduce and boss my way in. What kills me is that if I did that, you’d be mine. Every natural impulse I possess is screaming at me to do all those things, just to have you. So I’ve got my instincts in a chokehold right now, trying to keep from acting on them because it would only put us back in the same situation we were in before, and you don’t want that.”
She looked at him, her cheek resting on her drawn-up knee. It was another image that would haunt him until he had to exorcise it through his art or explode. He went on. “I don’t know what better way to tell you I love you and I’m serious, other than explaining how out of character you’ve got me acting. You can ask my brother about that. I’m sure he’d be glad to give you an earful. All I can talk about is you, even to him. To all of them out there. They don’t know what to do with me. No one wants me around anymore. The portrait I drew of you is still over my bed, I can’t stand to look at it, but I can’t make myself take it down. I’m a mess over you.”
“You always sound like you’re coping pretty well on the phone.”
“Don’t be fooled. I have to maintain at least some shred of dignity. It’s all a front for you.”
A pained expression flickered over her features, and she crossed her arms over her knees, turning her face into the safe haven they made. “I’m a mess too. I need and want you to barge back in just as much as it’s in your nature to do that. And you’re right, I wouldn’t stop you, if only because I don’t have that much strength now, but we would only end up right back here. So the fact that you’re holding back means more to me than you could possibly realize. Thank you, Brian.”
He’d poured his f**king heart out and she’d thanked him. Sweet baby Jesus, this only kept getting worse.
He rested his head back against the desk behind them, staring straight up into the overhead lighting until he went half blind. “I should get back out there,” he said quietly. “I’ll leave with you in a heartbeat if you ask me to, but otherwise—”
Candace scrambled up as if she’d been waiting for a chance, any chance, to flee. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to keep you from work.”
“It’s fine. I’m glad you came by.”
“Will you let me know what you decide about my brother?”
He got to his feet beside her, unable to resist reaching out and framing her face with his hands. Her gaze had followed him all the way up, and they were standing so close together her head tilted back as she looked at him. Her eyes were tinged red, her dark lashes spiky, her lips still swollen from the pressure of his kiss. The silk of her hair and the warm satin of her skin mingled underneath his hands.
This wasn’t right. She was his, dammit. She’d filled in all the missing pieces in his life. If she jerked them out now, he would collapse, parts of him scattered so far and wide he might never gather them back together again.
“I will,” he said, struggling to push the words past the lump in his throat. Past the need to throw her over his shoulder and run out the back door, hold her captive at his place until she finally cracked and swore to be his for the rest of their lives.
Her hands slid over his own and pulled them away, holding briefly before letting go. The loss of her warmth sucked the air from his lungs. “No matter what happens,” she said, “I love you. Just know that if I can’t be with you, it was because I loved you so much I couldn’t burden you with my issues.”
“Baby, they’re not that big of a deal,” he insisted. “When it comes to how I feel about you, they’re nothing. They don’t even play in.”
“Like they didn’t play in three weeks ago?”
“We’ve got him nailed. He won’t strike at me again. None of them will.”
She emitted a humorless laugh. “You don’t know them very well.”
No, he didn’t, he thought with a sigh. As he walked her out to the front so she could get her friend and leave, his mind raced desperately, trying to zero in on a plan. He had to do something, for God’s sake. He’d gotten through most of his life sitting on his ass, letting wounds fester, not giving a damn. But he couldn’t do that now. Not this time.
It was the sight of her walking out the door, and the agony that ensued after she was gone, that hatched the thought. It was the pity in everyone’s eyes that caused it to take hold and burn.
Most likely, he was insane. Hell, he was probably shit-all stupid to even consider it.
She’d said he didn’t know her family very well. Maybe the only answer was for him to get better acquainted.
Kelsey and Evan sat in their robes with him at the end of their dining table, both of them wearing matching expressions of concern. Kelsey had just put a cup of coffee in front of him, but he didn’t want them to see how much his hand was shaking if he lifted it. He’d woken them up but there wasn’t any other place he knew to go. They’d been talking his situation to death for a half hour now.
“Brian, when I said I couldn’t wait for the right girl to get her hands on you, this isn’t what I had in mind,” Kelsey said.
He grunted something that resembled a laugh. “The next time you say something like that, I’m not leaving my house for a year.”
Evan propped his head on his fist, looking as if one slip might leave him snoring on the tabletop. “This is all up to you, and I’m beside you no matter what. If you can settle this to your satisfaction without having to put Candace and Macy and everyone through the wringer, then I say go for it. But if you can’t, then take the bastard to the mattresses. You were the victim here. Talk to him and see what he’s open to. There’s no harm in it. Just don’t kick his ass again, whatever you do.”
“Oh, man, that’ll be tough. Remembering what he said about her, and knowing that it’s all their fault her head is all screwed up and—”
Evan perked up, frowning at him. “Whoa, there. I think there’s another influence at work messing with her head. I’m playing devil’s advocate here for a second, but they probably think the exact same thing about you. That their sweet, innocent Candace would still be sweet and innocent if that unscrupulous Ross boy hadn’t corrupted her. From what you’ve told us, she’s changed right in front of them, practically overnight. They’re panicking.”
“She needed to change, though. She needed to—”
“I’m inclined to agree, but who are you to say what she needs? You’ve got to stop that,” Kelsey said gently, putting a hand on his arm. “I can tell you from past experience, women don’t like it, and it’s not going to do her any good to go from being on their leash to being on yours. And even if she did need to make some changes, that doesn’t mean you should expect them to let her go so easily. You have to be understanding of their side of it, or you’re never going to get anywhere with them.”
“True,” Evan said. “You have to predict and examine and understand every argument the other side is going to throw at you. It’s not about being the one who’s right. It’s about showing them why they’re wrong, and in your case, it’s not even that black and white. But that’s how you win.”
Brian gave in and nursed his coffee, craving some revitalization. Evan was watching him carefully. Kelsey glanced at her husband, looking troubled, before turning back to Brian.
“What you need is sleep, honey, not caffeine. Why don’t you stay here tonight? I don’t want you out driving in the shape you’re in.”
“Not like I’m drunk,” he muttered.
“Maybe not on alcohol.”
“I think you should stay too,” Evan said. “In the morning when we’re all rested, we’ll figure this out.”
Baby Alex took that moment to cry out from his crib in their bedroom. Kelsey laughed as she got up from the table. “When you’re rested, anyway,” she said to Brian. “No rest for us.”
“I couldn’t sleep if I wanted to. I can stay up with him, if you guys are tired.” Both of them stared in astonishment. “What? Just give him his bottle and sit watching metal videos with him until he goes back to sleep, right? How hard can it be?”
“Oh, dear God,” Evan groaned. “You really have no idea.”
Chapter Twenty-two
“Candy, I really think it would do you good to get out for a while. You haven’t been over in days. Won’t you at least consider it? No one’s asking you to marry him.”
Candace listened to her mom go on and on about some guy they wanted her to meet at dinner tonight and resisted the urge to facepalm. And to cry while doing it. She’d shed enough tears after seeing Brian the other night that she should still be dehydrated. Macy had held her for damn near an hour in her car after that episode while she made herself sick on sobs. Then Sam had joined them at her apartment and they’d all ended up tearful messes for one reason or another. Crazy. Their cycles must be synced or something.
But thank God for her friends. She would be totally lost without them.
“I’m not ready, Mom.” And if there was still a chance with Brian—someday—how could she jeopardize it by even meeting this person her mom was going on about?
It didn’t really matter, her mind returned. It wasn’t as if she could ever feel that way about anyone else again. She was ruined.
“All I’m asking you to do is come to dinner,” Sylvia said. “No harm in that, is there? He’s just a guest. It’s not a set-up.”
“I might come to dinner, but it’s not to meet him. And you’d better not give him that impression, or I swear I’ll leave.” It was getting easier and easier to stand up to her mother on these matters.
“Fine,” Sylvia said. “I’m glad you’re coming.”
She was so not up to this. The prospect of finding someone new to date did not even register on her map, but she didn’t even feel like socializing, especially with a stranger. Going through the same old conversation, answering the same old mundane questions: “What’s your major? How much longer do you have? What do you want to be when you grow up?”
The thought was nearly unbearable. She’d had a promising job interview with the town newspaper today—maybe she’d change her major again to journalism, really freak the parents out—and while exciting, it had drained her. She wanted to lounge in front of the TV in her PJs the rest of the evening, but she’d been doing way too much of that lately.