“Good morning,” I greeted, opening my eyes.
“Why, yes. Yes, it is,” Cole replied, grinning at me. He was on his side, propped up on his elbow and still nak*d. Or at least I guessed he was—his sheet covered the area south of his navel.
“When did you wake up?” I should have been worried about morning breath, bed head, and the few still sleeping bedmates in the bunkhouse. Not to mention the storm waiting for me this morning after never showing up at home last night. I had plenty to worry about, but I just wasn’t up to it when I was so close to Cole and still feeling the heady aftereffects of that beyond mind-blowing sex we’d shared.
I had all day to worry. Right now, this morning, I was just going to be in the moment and enjoy it.
“Just a few minutes ago,” Cole said, sliding a chunk of my hair behind my ear. “I haven’t slept that good in I can’t remember how long.”
I lifted a brow. “I wonder why . . .”
Cole chuckled. “Well, yes. There’s certainly that, but I swear I could feel you next to me even in my sleep.” His mouth dropped to my forehead and kissed it lightly. “You stayed.”
There was nowhere else I could have gone. Or wanted to go.
“I stayed,” I said, sliding closer to him until my shoulder pressed into his chest. His fingers went back to stroking my back. “Why were you so upset when I left that night at the swimming hole? I mean, I get it was a cowardly thing to do, but the way you reacted . . . It was like you’d never been so hurt before.”
Cole didn’t reply right away; he just continued to skim my back and seemed deep in thought. “I told you about being raised by my grandma,” he began, his eyes wandering off. “Well, the whole reason I ended up with Grandma was because my mom up and left me one night. I was only two and don’t remember much of her or her leaving, but that nighttime exit set the stage for my life. Next it was my cousin Tommy. He didn’t say goodbye, I didn’t even know he was leaving, but the day he turned eighteen, he left Grandma and me at night. I didn’t hear from him for two years, when he first joined the smokejumpers up in Fairbanks.”
I draped my hand over the side of Cole’s neck. I couldn’t hear these dark histories and not touch him.
“Next it was Grandma. Although she didn’t leave willingly. She died in her sleep in the middle of my senior year of high school. I was eighteen by then, so I didn’t have to go into foster care or anything, but sometimes I thought I would have preferred it when I went to sleep in that dark, quiet house.”
Cole’s voice didn’t waver, his face never creased, but I could tell he wore this pain inside of him. He held it close and didn’t let anyone share it.
“And then there was that summer night four years ago.” Cole paused, and now his face creased. “The night my fiancee crawled out of our bed and left me for another man while I was asleep.”
I must have heard him wrong. “Fiancee?”
Cole nodded. “Fiancee.”
My stomach churned a bit. “You were engaged?”
“To my high school sweetheart. The girl I was positively certain I was meant to spend my life with. Unfortunately for me at the time, she didn’t feel the same way.” Cole’s eyes didn’t leave mine, and they steadied me in the midst of finding out this kind of thing.
“How long were you engaged?”
“A few months. You know, I remember waking up and reading her note and, after feeling like I’d just been run over by a train, I felt . . . relieved.”
“Relieved?” I rolled onto my side and tucked my elbow under my head.
“I loved her, don’t get me wrong, but it felt like I was marrying her because that was the next thing to do. I’d fallen into the trap of letting others’ expectations and hopes for my life take it over. When she left me, I had no ties to anything else in Bend. I was free to be who I wanted and, even though I didn’t know right then, I had the freedom to figure it out.” His hand molded over my cheek while his thumb skimmed the seam of my lips. “After the pain and rejection faded, I was thankful to her for calling it quits when I wouldn’t. She wanted something else, I wanted something else, but duty and fear of the unknown kept us together.”
“You were thankful she left you?” I knew if Cole up and left me for some other chick, thankful wouldn’t be on the list of things I’d feel afterwards.
Cole shifted closer. “If she hadn’t left me, I wouldn’t be here, with you, right now. Would I?”
When he put it that way . . .
Now I was thankful to Cole’s ex-fiancee for ditching him for another man in the middle of the night.
“So that’s why you were so upset with me,” I said as it all made sense. “Me leaving you reminded you of everyone else who’d left you before. You thought I left for good and was never coming back?”
The skin between his brows creased and he nodded. “Wasn’t that your plan? To stay away from me?”
I gave him a Really look and stared pointedly down at our nak*d-save-for-a-thin-sheet bodies. “Obviously not.”
He smirked at me just before his arm slid over my back and drew me close. The entire length of my body running down the length of his sent heat into every last nerve, muscle, and vein.
From Cole’s expression, he was experiencing the same thing. Just as I was about to lift my lips to his, his expression went a shade worried. “How are you feeling this morning?”
“Great,” I said. “That whole pain reliever and water chugging thing works miracles on the hangover doomed.”
“I’m glad to know your head isn’t throbbing, but what about your . . .” His eyes lowered to that spot between my legs.
“I tried to be gentle with you, I tried to be careful, but I’m afraid I lost all and total control the second I got inside you. I’m sorry,” he said, looking truly pained that he might have caused me any. “Are you sore?”
I did a quick check. Nope, no soreness there.
“Cole,” I said, tugging on the ends of his hair. “Last night was amazing. You weren’t gentle with me. I didn’t want gentle. I wanted it just the way we did it.” Thinking and talking about it made me want it again. “And I’m not sore, not even a little bit, so maybe we could . . .” I filled in the blanks by lifting my brows.
Cole’s smile curved wickedly. “I’m all for that brilliant idea, but I want to make sure you know that we’re not alone anymore.” Cole scanned the room where about half the bunks were occupied by his fellow smokejumpers. “I can assure you they don’t mind, but I’m guessing you might.”
I thought about that for a moment. I’d just had sex for the first time less than eight hours ago, I probably wasn’t ready to do it again in a room full of sleeping or near waking guys, but then Cole’s body shifted beside me and all reservations went up in flames.
“Maybe if we’re really quiet,” I said, running my fingers down his stomach.
Cole grunted softly, then his eyes cleared. My hand froze.
“I have to clarify something first, Elle. Something I realize now you might have said only in a sex and alcohol hazed mind last night.” He sighed and looked down. “Something you might regret saying this morning and something I need to know.” His eyes flicked back to mine and if eyes could, his were wincing. Even before he’d asked his question. “Am I still the one that you’ve chosen? Are you still as much mine this morning as you were last night?” Joining his eyes, the rest of Cole’s face braced itself for my answer.
My heart broke a little bit again, but this time for a different reason. For knowing I’d done and said things that made Cole doubt himself and us. I was done with it. I was done with doubt, both in his and my life.
“I chose you last night, Cole. And I choose this morning.” I lifted my hand from his stomach and formed it over his cheek. “And just to save you the suspense . . . I’ll choose you tomorrow morning, too.”
The worry was draining from his face with each of my words.
“And, if anything, I’m even more yours this morning than I was last night,” I said, pressing a soft kiss to his mouth. “Now, any other questions you’re dying to run by me before we . . .” Man, I was perfecting the art of insinuation, both with my voice and my face.
“When are you going to tell him?” Cole’s face flashed with something. Jealousy, anger?
Logan. What was I going to tell Logan? I didn’t quite know how I’d explain any of this to him, but I’d figure out a way. Good thing I had a few days to figure it out.
“Logan’s at a baseball tournament this week,” I began. “He won’t be back until next weekend for the big Fourth of July Festival. I’ll tell him then.” I wasn’t looking forward to it, breaking the heart of the guy I’d loved for two years, but I had to set him free. I couldn’t pretend to give him my heart when someone else had it.
“Why don’t you call and tell him today?” Cole said. “Otherwise I won’t be able to see you until you’ve called it quits with him because I won’t be able to control myself around you.”
“I’m not going to tell Logan I’m calling off the whole future he planned we’d have together over the phone. I’m sorry, Cole, but I’m just not,” I said, trying to ignore the way Cole’s face fell a little with each word. “I’ll tell him as soon as he gets home, in person. He deserves that. And why in the heck won’t you be able to see me until I tell him?” I made a face. After last night, I would go insane if he kept his hands off of me all week. I’d go even more insane if I didn’t even get to see him.
“Elle, please don’t take this the wrong way because last night was amazing, I don’t and I won’t ever regret it, but . . .” I held my breath. “I can’t be with you again like that, or in any way, until you’re totally mine. It’s like what I told you before. I can’t share you, Elle. Other men might be all right with it, but I’m not one of those men. I want you totally and wholly to myself.”
I groaned out loud until I remembered the sleeping bodies around us. “Did you miss that part where I told you I CHOSE you?”
“No, I definitely didn’t miss that part.” A small smile played at his mouth. “But I also didn’t miss the part where you said you’re not going to call it off with Logan until next weekend.”
“Cole,” I groaned again, this time more quietly, “I chose you.”
His eyebrow peaked. “But he doesn’t know that. He still thinks you’re all his. He still dreams about you every night and believes you’re his present and his future. While another man still believes you are his, I just can’t be near you or else you and I both know things will slowly spiral out of control.” He gave me a sheepish expression. “You and I are not so good at that whole self-control thing when we’re together.”