I stare blankly at the wall as she speaks. I already know all this, but hearing it still stings. I don't look at her. I feel more desperate every day. I can't handle this on my own, but I am on my own. There's no one to help me when I fall flat on my face, which seems like it's going to happen soon. I'm on the downward slope and picking up speed. If things don't change, I'll crash. I can't think about it. I push the thoughts away, unable to deal with the repercussions.
"How'd you end up working there?" I ask, still feeling uneasy, picking at the fringe of the blanket on my lap.
Mel looks at me cautiously. "I was doing what you are doing and falling behind. I'm not losing my scholarship. It's my only way out of that hell hole. When I came here, I said that I wouldn't go back. Come hell or high water, I have kept that promise to myself."
Determination burns in Mel's eyes. My eyes just feel tired. I look at her, not understanding how Mel could do it. At the same time, I hear it in her voice - she can't go back. I have nothing to go back to, but still... I can't do what she does. I want my first time to be with someone I love. I never, even for a second, thought about selling sex.
My mind goes in several different directions. I doubt she follows me when I say, "I admire you, you know. You have more guts in one eyelash than I have in my entire body. I'm going down in flames and I can't stop it."
"Yes, you can," she says, her voice filled with empathy. "Listen, Avery, you don't have to do what I did, but you have got to do something. We both see the crash and burn racing up on you. Change something. Take control of your life so it doesn't happen."
"You think you can control life? What are you, new?" I shake my head and tuck my feet under my butt. "Life is random crap that happens. You can't control it."
"No," Mel says, her voice full of conviction, "Your life is what you make it, and right now you're letting a good life slip away. This is a good chance, Avery. Maybe it's not the way you thought things would be, but working for Miss Black has been a godsend for me. I would have lost my scholarship and had to crawl home. No one said I'd make it. They thought I'd burn out and fail. That gave me more conviction to stay and fight. I'm not living like them. I refuse."
Mel folds her arms over her chest. Her family abused the crap out of her. She was battered, neglected, and selling dime bags before she was 12 years old. Mel left her family as soon as she was old enough, and cut them off without looking back.
Meanwhile, it seems that all I can do is look back. If my parents were alive, this wouldn't even be a consideration. I'd be living at home, eating my mom's meatballs, and having my dad fix my car when it acts up. Instead, my life took an unexpected turn and here I am, fending for myself before I'm ready. I'm so not ready, but it's sink or swim time and I'm drowning.
My voice is small when I speak. "I can't let some guy have me and then take the money off his nightstand. I can't get paid for sex. I just can't. I know you mean well, but - "
"The guy doesn't pay you, Miss Black does. It feels like a date, Avery, a really good date. And if you took the deal they offered you, it'd be better than that. You'd have insta-boyfriend and he'd walk you through everything, Miss Virgin, which is way better than guessing," Mel smiles sheepishly, like she's thinking of something embarrassing. "I don't know. It just doesn't seem that bad to me. It sounds like dating made easy... and by the way, here's some money."
I smile at her. "You make it sound easy."
"It's easier than dating. You never know if the guy's lying or where his thingie's been. And he's just trying to get into my pants anyway. This is easier." Mel smiles at me.
I laugh. "Thingie? Is that the professional terminology taught to you by the prestigious hooker co-op?"
"Co-op. Cute. Real cute."
Shrugging, I grin, saying, "I try."
"No you don't. You're just naturally wholesome, like butter. In little quantities you're all right, but large doses - "
"You are so gross!" I throw a pillow at her as she finishes the sentence.
We talk about random things after that. I don't want to entertain the idea of working for Miss Black, but it keeps jumping into my mind like a demented bunny rabbit. I start to doze off and spring! there it is again. And the question that bothers me most is this:
Would it be so bad?
I see those blue eyes and think maybe not, but I can't cross that line. Something inside me holds me back.
Chapter 6
I'm waiting at the stop light from hell the next night, trying to keep the car running. It's cold. My breath makes little white clouds in the car as I breathe. I'm wearing an ugly old sweater over my dress, with my sneakers tied onto my feet. I watch the RPMs and give it more gas. I feel the car shake and know that it's going to stall out if the light doesn't change soon.
I stare at the light, willing it to change. "Change already! Change, you rat bastard, change!"
The light remains red. The car shudders and dies. Exasperated, I slam my head on the steering wheel. The stoplight flips to green and the honking starts. I mutter curses as people move their cars out of my lane and go around me. I reach behind me and grab a can of ether from the back seat. Throwing the car door open, I march around to the front. This is the last can and I don't get paid for three days. Damn it.
Lifting the hood, I spray the engine and sigh. FML. I can't stand this. I didn't get to study as much as I needed, work sucked, and now this. It's part of my life. This car symbolizes my life, the damn whole thing. I stare blankly at my car as my insides twist with grief.
I hear his voice before I notice the bike. "So, do you come here often?"