When Denny had left for Tucson, it had left a hole in me, a void that Kellan had filled. I didn't want to repeat that pattern. I didn't want anyone to fill Kellan's place, now that he was the one that was leaving. So I had to fill the ache of him being away with something healthy, something all my own. I wasn't sure what yet, but I was positive that I could. Losing Denny the way I had, doing what I'd done to him...that had forced me to grow up some.
Guilt and regret flooding me, I dialed a number that I hadn't in a while, a number that I should really call more often. Bringing the ringing phone to my ear, I bit my lip while I waited for the other line to pick up. It did on the third ring.
"Hello?"A familiar voice said happily, clearly mid-laugh.
"Uh, hi...it's me." I rolled my eyes at my awkward greeting. Really, after everything, things between us shouldn't be awkward anymore.
"Oh, hey, Kiera."
Denny's accent wrapped around my name and I smiled, memories coming back to me. In the background, I heard a female voice asking him a question. I instantly did the time zone math in my head and cringed. It was late Saturday afternoon here, so it was Sunday morning in Australia. He was probably having a leisurely brunch with his girlfriend, Abby.
Being the honorable man that I knew he was, Denny answered her question truthfully. "It's Kiera. I'll just be a minute, Abb, then I'll show you how to make pancakes without burning them." In the background I clearly heard, "That was not my fault! You completely distracted me."
Denny chuckled at her and I instantly felt stupid for calling. He had his own life, he really didn't need me interfering in it. Thinking I should just tell him that I'd call back later, his voice shifted back into the phone. "What's up? Everything alright?"
I sighed, forcing the image of him with another woman out of my head. He was happy. That's all I'd ever wished for him. "Yeah, no, everything's fine, Denny. I just, we haven't..." I sighed again, not knowing exactly how to put my feelings into words. I'd really have to work on that, since English was my major. "It's just...we don't get to talk as much as we used to, and the last time we talked things were...weird. I wanted to make sure you were...okay."
I bit my lip, hating that I'd brought up that conversation. Kellan had drunkenly talked about our sex life with him, something Kellan had been really careful to never do, not since the night of the fight, the night Denny had broken his arm, nearly broken my skull.
Denny sighed. "Yeah...I already got a call from Kellan this morning, Kiera. The two of you really don't have to worry about me. You don't need to walk on eggshells. You don't need to treat me with kid gloves. I get it. You're together. I know what...that entails. I'm fine with it, Kiera. I left you. I broke up with you...but I never wanted you to be alone, bab..."
He stopped himself short and my eyes widened. He'd nearly called me baby, right in front of his girlfriend. I closed my eyes as I heard him sigh again. "I know," I whispered. "But still...we don't want to hurt you. You're...a friend...to both of us. A close friend?" I added, my tone coming out as a question instead of a statement.
Denny chuckled. "You guys are close friends to me too, all right. So, let's just skip over this weird part..."
"But...?"
"Kiera, do you want to know if I hurt?" he whispered, his accent thick with emotion building in it. "Yeah, sometimes I do. I mean, yes, it sucks that my girl cheated..." I hung my head as he broke off his sentence with a long exhale. "No, it's not that you cheated, Kiera. It's that you fell in love. If you'd just strayed a couple of times...I could have...I probably could have looked past that. But you didn't...you fell in love. So yeah, that hurts, okay?"
I sniffled, thinking I never should have called him. "I'm sorry..."
A long moment of silence was all I got to that, then, quietly, "I know, Kiera. You don't have to keep saying it. You can't...you can't help falling in love. It's not a reaction you can control. I get that, I really do. So please...quit apologizing, I don't want to hear it anymore."
I swallowed and whispered, "Okay." In my head I added another, I'm sorry. I probably always would with him.
I pictured his dark brown eyes staring at me, a hand coming up to run through the piecy, dark hair. After another moment of silence, he finally spoke again. "What are you going to do with Kellan gone for so long?" Almost like he didn't want me to take that the wrong way, he added, "I mean, what are you going to do to keep yourself busy?"
I chuckled a little, in a not humorous way. "No, you mean am I going to cheat on him?" He didn't say anything and I sighed. "No, I would never hurt someone like that again. It's not the person I want to be." Exhaling softly, I said, "I had a boyfriend once who was the best person I'd ever known. Honorable, loving, sweet...sappy. He's who I aspire to be someday."
He chuckled now. "Well, sounds like you were an idiot for letting him go."
I grinned, shaking my head. "Yes, I don't think that's ever been in question."
Denny laughed genuinely and I reveled in the sound, my mind picturing the goofy grin he always got, the warmth in his deep eyes. Once the moment of levity leveled, he asked, "What about Kellan? Do you think he'll be...honorable?"
I blinked that he'd basically asked me if Kellan would cheat on me. As if, he too, questioned the solidity of our relationship. "Um, yeah, I think so..." I bit my lip, hating that I couldn't give Denny a definite and resounding, "Yes, of course, don't be ridiculous." That sort of bravado was pointless with Denny, though. We both knew Kellan's past, and we both knew how Kellan and I had gotten together. Kellan was capable of being with someone in immoral situations. Our relationship was proof of it.
Denny sighed. It was a sympathetic sound. "I'm sure he'll be good, Kiera." He paused a minute while we both reflected on his statement. Softly he added, "He'd be an idiot not to be."
I smiled and sighed, feeling oddly reassured and a little sad. It wasn't as if I'd left a bad relationship for a better one. I'd left a good relationship for a different, and also good, one. Things would have been easier if I could have painted Denny as an abusive, emotionally cutoff a**hole. But he wasn't. He was as close to the perfect boyfriend as they come. Truly, his habit of getting wrapped up in his work was his only real fault. And that was pretty minor, compared to the horror stories that I'd heard out there.
Shaking my head, I murmured, "Abby is very lucky, Denny. You're...a really great guy."
He laughed once. "Yeah, I tried to tell you that..."
I laughed once, too. "I know...I miss you." He didn't respond and I quickly added, "I should let you get back to your brunch. It sounds like you have some cooking to do." I did miss him, his friendship, his sweetness, his loyalty...but I shouldn't tell him things like that. Kellan had my heart, wholly. I didn't want to be misleading.
Denny started chuckling, and I could hear the joy come back into his voice. "Yeah, Abby is many things, but cook isn't one of them. I don't even know how a person messes up pancakes...they're sort of...unscrew-up-able." I smiled, knowing that I couldn't seem to make a decent pancake either. I guess Abby and I had at least one thing in common. Well, two really. We both deeply cared for Denny, just in different ways now.
"Goodbye, Denny."
"Goodbye, Kiera. Everything will be fine, I promise."
I started to respond to that but he clicked off the line. "I hope so," I said anyway, the dust bunnies the only things around to hear me.
Walking into Pete's a while later, I couldn't help but look up at the empty stage. Jenny's beautiful drawing stood out on the black wall, and seeing our boys immortalized did help to ease the ache. But I'd really rather walk in on the foursome slinging back cold ones. That was one of my favorite things about working at Pete's-waiting on the band. Even Griffin, in a weird, unexplainable way.
It was a quiet night. Since the fans knew that the band was gone, only a handful of them came in. Pete let Jenny go home early, but I stayed late with Kate, wanting to do something productive with my time.
Exactly at midnight, Kate handed me a note. She had a devilish grin on her face when she did. I bunched my brows together, wondering what she was up to. Giggling, her bouncy pony tail swishing over her shoulders, she pointed at the folded piece of paper she'd handed to me. "Kellan made me promise to give this to you at exactly midnight tonight."
Her topaz eyes lit up as she sighed. "He was so sweet when he asked. Sigh...I need a boyfriend again." She twisted her lips and glided off after her comment, leaving me wondering when Kellan had talked to her. When Kellan had talked to everybody. He sure had been busy before he left.
My heart started to beat a little harder as I held his note in my hands. I leaned back against the bar. Rita, sullen as she stared at the empty stage, the half-empty bar, ignored me. Biting my lip, I unfolded the note. It wasn't sealed in any way, so I was pretty sure that Kate had already read it, but upon glancing at his handwriting on the paper, I didn't care. I was too happy that he'd left me another surprise.
Hey, just in case I'm a schlump and haven't called you yet, I wanted to say that it's not because I don't miss you...I do. Most likely my delay has something to do with Griffin...I'm sure the jackass will be a constant irritant on the road. Well, at least he won't be mentally undressing you for a while...that's my job. And in case I've never told you...I do it constantly. When you walk past me, I picture those slim h*ps bare under my fingertips. When you lean over to hand me my beer, I picture those firm br**sts, your rigid n**ples just begging for my mouth.
My face flushing bright red, I stopped reading and glanced up at Kate across the room from me. Oh my God, had she read this? Noticing me staring at her, note in hand, she started laughing. I figured she had then. Well, at least Kellan had given this to her and not Rita...I probably never would have gotten it if that had been the case. My face heating even more, I considered reading the rest somewhere else, somewhere private. But curiosity got the better of me, and hiding the paper as much as I could, I continued on with Kellan's sort of erotic love letter.
You wonder why I'm constantly aroused, and I guess I'm telling you. Your body fires me. Your fingertips brushing over my skin, ignites me. Your breath washing over me, enflames me. Everything about you is sensual, and you have no idea...none. When you stare at me with those smoky eyes, undressing me like I undress you, all of the blood rushes down, and I want you...so bad. I'm pretty sure that wherever I am right now, I have an ache, a hard, nearly painful ache...because I'm thinking of you.
I had to stop reading again as a painful ache started building in me. Good God, if just reading his words did this to me, hearing him actually say these things would probably undo me. Adjusting my posture, I glanced around the room and then returned to my scandalous note.
My day isn't complete until I'm deep inside you. Your body wrapped around mine is the only way I feel whole. But don't think it's just sex and a physical response to you that I'm feeling. It's not...it's so much more. You've opened me in a way that leaves me bleeding, vulnerable. Being with you, making love to you, it only solidifies what I feel for you. I know that I've become one of those spouting, love-sick idiots, but what it all boils down to is three words that don't mean nearly enough...I love you.