"I have some assignments for you."
I smiled genuinely and relaxed back into the pillows, grateful that she wasn't going to ask about my breakdown, grateful that she wasn't even going to mention it. I laughed lightly and ran a hand across my eyes, hoping to wipe away the remnants of my despondency.
"Oh good...I was getting a little bored."
She gave me a quick smile, her eyes glancing over my face before resting on mine again. "I'll just go get my bag." Her face hardened into seriousness. "I'll be right back, Lucas."
I swallowed and nodded while she slipped out of my bed and out of my room. I flung an arm over my eyes and tried to not be too embarrassed over my meltdown. I still was though. Just as I was thinking that I should go out to her, I felt her return to my room and heard her rummage through her bag. I peered out from under my arm when I felt her lift the covers and crawl back into bed with me. She'd taken my letterman's jacket off and draped it over her bag on the floor, and was playing with the too-long sleeves of her shirt, as she balanced a book on her knees under my sheets.
I sat up and leaned back against the wall, smiling at her familiar habit. When I was somewhat alert enough to listen to my homework, she started laying everything out for me. I cringed over our math homework and smiled over the easy essay Ms. Reynolds had given us. Before I knew it, Sawyer was glancing at a clock on the wall and cursing, muttering that she was late.
She slipped out of my bed and started putting her stuff back together. I scooted around to the edge and sat up, putting my feet on the ground. I watched her shove stuff in her bag and hurriedly put my jacket back on. This was the last time she'd be coming over to give me my homework assignment. I wasn't sure if her protective parents would even let her visit after this, and her being in my room right now may be the last time that ever happened.
I reached out for her hand once she had everything all ready to go. I found it swinging freely at her side and laced our fingers together. She looked down at where we joined and smiling softly, looked up at me.
"Thank you, Sawyer...for everything." I softened my gaze and hoped that she understood that by 'everything' I truly did mean everything - much more than just bringing me my homework daily. She may not understand, but she'd helped me practically survive my isolation. I don't think I could have done it without her.
Her eyes watered as she held my gaze. "You're welcome, Lucas." She swallowed and shook her head lightly. "Well, I guess I'll see you Monday then. I'll kind of miss coming over." She cocked her head to the side as her thoughts ran in line with mine; I was going to miss that too. She shrugged lightly. "Maybe my parents will be okay with short visits..." She let the sentence trail off and bit her lip.
I smiled and nodded, trying not to get my hopes up. "I hope so...I'd really like that." She nodded and I stood up, encircling her in a warm hug. She paused for a moment and then returned the gesture. I resisted the urge to kiss her head and whisper just how much she meant to me. I resisted the urge to tell her how sorry I was that I was so messed up emotionally, that I couldn't give her what I suspected she wanted from me. And I resisted the urge to pull her in tighter, to never let her go. Instead of all that, I held her for another couple seconds, and then I let go and took a step back. "See ya Monday, Sawyer."
She nodded and adjusted her bag on her shoulder before turning to exit my room. I stopped her at the door. "Sawyer?" She turned and looked back at me inquisitively. "How bad is school going to be?"
She grimaced and looked down. I didn't take that as a good sign. Sighing, she reluctantly raised her head to look at me. "Most people think you took something, got high or drunk...or something. I heard Brittany saying that she saw you take some pills outside of Art class." She shook her head while I frowned at the predictable gossip mill. "And then, that bitch spends most of choir telling stories about how you get messed up every night and show up on her doorstep, trying to have sex with her." A faint blush filled her cheeks as anger went through her. "She always looks at me when she says that, like you're cheating on me or something." Her face went white after she said that. "Not that we're a couple. It's just...they all believe that we..."
I shook my head as she sputtered a few times, trying to explain herself. "I know, Sawyer. I understand." The school had unfortunately linked Sawyer to me from practically day one, even with my failed attempts to not bring unwanted attention to her. I frowned as I considered Brittany's flat-out lies. Interesting that she'd paint me in that light for the school. Well, I always had suspected that she was more interested in me than she let on. This was a way for her to live out a fantasy with me and make me look even worse, all at the same time. Win-win for her, I suppose. It wasn't like I was going to call her out on the lie. No one would believe me anyway.
I smiled crookedly, knowing no humor was in my face. "Oh well, I suppose it could be worse." I sighed as she nodded and looked down. I remembered my suspicions that she was being ridiculed more than she let me see and walked over to her, placing a hand on her arm. "Are you okay, Sawyer? Do they...am I making things worse for you? Would it be better for you, if we weren't friends?" I whispered that last part, hoping she wasn't going to say "yes" and take the opportunity to walk away from me.
Her head snapped up and her wide eyes looked over my face, surprised. "No, no, Lucas...don't ever think that." Her hand sneaked up to rest on my chest and she took a step closer to me. "You make my life better, Lucas. If you only knew how much..." She bit her lip and shook her head, her eyes starting to water again. I scrunched my brow, confused, and started to ask a question, but she interrupted me. "Don't worry about what they say to me. I don't care. None of that matters to me - the clicks, the gossip, I don't care." She brought her other hand up to rest it on my chest, her fingers lightly pressing into me as she leaned closer. "This is what matters to me." She swallowed and searched my face. "You...you are what matters to me."
I swallowed and warmth flooded through me. My comfort, the only living person who really brought me true peace, found peace in me as well. I didn't understand how that was possible, how I could in any way bring her joy, but somehow, I seemed to and that thought made me feel content and full - full of something I didn't even know how to completely express. I shook my head at her, a huge smile lighting my face. "You don't know what that means to me, Sawyer. You couldn't possibly understand how much I love you."
I froze as what I'd just said registered with my head. In all the time I'd had with Lillian, I'd never actually said those words to her. And here, now, I'd known Sawyer for only a few months and the words had slipped out effortlessly. I watched her face pale and her mouth drop open. I vaguely remembered that this wasn't the first time I'd told her I loved her. Some hazy memory of a drug-tainted conversation floated around my head, but embarrassment at my behavior then, and my outburst now, forced it back. Not knowing what else to do, and not really understanding what I meant by telling her I loved her, I quickly added, "As a friend, my best friend."
Her mouth closed and she swallowed, a strange emotion momentarily passing over her face before her peaceful smile returned. "I love you too, Lucas...as my best friend."
I smiled at her words, and the fact that I'd gotten myself over that could-be friend altering situation. I pulled her in for a tight hug before pulling back and playfully pushing her away. "You'd better go. You're already late and you'll never convince them to let you come over, if I'm always getting you home late."
She laughed and nodded. "Yeah, you're right. Have a good weekend, Lucas."
Mentally I frowned at the prospect of more long days without her, but to her, I only nodded. "You too, Sawyer."
***************
Monday morning came without much fanfare, just a light drizzle in the crisp November air. I dressed and got ready for school with a knot in my stomach. I'd been gone for awhile now and while my exile hadn't been pleasant, neither was the thought of roaming through those halls again, of feeling all the hot stares and hushed voices as I walked past. I'd gotten pretty good at tuning that out before the incident, but now it sort of felt like I was starting the year over. Well, at least I had Sawyer with me. That helped tremendously.
Finished with getting ready, I smoothed a hand over my white, long-sleeve shirt and studied myself in the mirror of the bathroom. I'd run some product through my wavy hair, trying to tame the mess, and shaved this morning, but even to my eyes I looked freaked out. The hazel irises staring at me in the mirror were just a bit too wide, the breath coming out of the pale lips before me, just a bit too fast. I splashed some water on my face and closed my eyes, taking long, deep breaths.
I didn't need another bout of panic attacks. After my first horrid day of school, those had actually subsided and I didn't need them popping up again. Of course, I also attributed that to Sawyer and her calming presence. I opened my eyes and forced a smile to my stressed face. I'd see her soon and most, if not all, of my anxiety would slip away with her perky smile.
I shuffled out to the kitchen and started a pot of coffee for my mother and me. She'd been out late last night, picking up an extra shift at the diner and I'd woken up before her. I made the pot extra strong, feeling like we'd both need the boost today. Just as I was sitting down at the small table, she appeared in the doorway, yawning and stretching slightly.
She smiled at me and ruffled my hair, ruining whatever semblance of put togetherness I'd achieved this morning. It didn't really matter to me, so I returned her warm smile. She frowned when she saw it and I realized I was still using my forced smile, my face wouldn't relax into a genuine one.
"Do you want me to call the school, Lucas? One more day surely wouldn't hurt anything." She ran a hand down my cheek, looking over my features as she worried about me.
I swallowed and attempted to smooth out my rigid smile. "No, one more day won't help anything either. I need to get this over with."
She nodded and stared at me for a few more long moments before pouring herself a mug and sitting at her spot at the table, the same spot the sheriff had been at last week. I thought about that conversation as Mom took her first sip of the steaming beverage. "Did you have a good visit with Sheriff Whitney last week?" she asked quietly.
I looked up at her face, a little startled that our thoughts were running so parallel with each other. "Um, yeah...I guess." I wanted to ask her what she was doing telling such personal things about our life to such a high profile person, but I couldn't get the words out to question her. She gave up enough for me already, if she needed someone to talk to...well, I'd prefer it wasn't him, but that wasn't really up to me.
She nodded and a small smile lit her lips before she took another sip. She grimaced a little bit and I twisted my lips consolingly. "Sorry...it's a little strong, isn't it?"
She chuckled and looked up at me over her cup. "Yes, even for you." She lowered her mug and her voice softened. "But, I suppose you needed the extra help today." Her eyes misted over as she continued staring at me. "I'm sorry, Lucas...for what today is going to be for you."