Her father sighed and looked over at her mother. "I suppose I could have handled that differently?"
Her mom sighed and twisted her lips at him. "You think, Mark?"
She started to stand, to go after her daughter, when I stopped her. "Do you mind if I...?" I nodded my head over to where Sawyer had gone and her mom sat back down and nodded.
As I started to stand, her father put his hand on my arm. "I wasn't trying to insult you, son. I realize you mean a lot to her." He sighed wearily. "I'm just trying to protect her." His eyes aged dramatically as he gazed at me.
I swallowed and nodded at him before looking over at my mom. "I'll be back in a minute," I said to her as I stood. She nodded, faint red splotches on her cheeks from listening to her son be sort of attacked right in front of her. She flicked glances at Sawyer's parents and I wondered if there would be words said when I left...probably.
Sighing softly, I made my way to the door. I closed my eyes before opening it, not relishing seeing the effect of my statement on Sawyer. She knew we weren't together like that, we talked about it often enough, but sometimes...sometimes it felt like we were anyway, and I really had no desire to hurt her, by belittling our relationship in front of her family. It was just a means to an end.
I closed the door softly behind me and cautiously made my way to where she was sitting on the front step, arms around her knees. She didn't look when I sat down, only hugged her knees tighter. It was chilly outside and neither one of us had jackets on. Wondering if I should, I put a hand across her shoulders and pulled her into me. She sighed and laid her head on my shoulder.
"Sorry about that," I muttered, as I ran a hand up and down her arm.
She looked up at me. "My dad's the ass," she bit out.
I smiled at her and shook my head. "He just cares about you...that's all."
She leaned back and looked over my face. "I know," she whispered.
I wanted to ask her about the many parts of the conversation that I couldn't follow, but her eyes still looked overly moist and I didn't want to make her break down. I wanted to make her happy, like she so often made me. I wanted to reiterate the good news that had come out of the whole debacle, that she could visit again, but she started speaking before I could.
"What did you mean...about seeing someone, Lucas? Do you...do you have a girlfriend?" Her voice was barely above a whisper and wavered on the end of her sentence.
I stared down at my shoes, not able to look her in the eye. I couldn't tell her about Lillian - about meeting with her in my dreams, about all the times we'd been intimate lately, and how it felt better to me than anything in reality, well, almost anything anyway. I couldn't tell her, that to me, Lil was still my girlfriend; we were still in love, still together. I couldn't tell her any of that - she wouldn't understand.
Still not meeting her eye, I whispered, "No, there's no one." No one alive anyway, I added in my head. "It was just something to say...to get him off our backs." I finally looked over at her. "I mean, he doesn't need to worry about you and me. We're just friends...right?"
She smiled weakly at me. "Yeah, right...of course."
I grinned and pulled her tight. "Happy Thanksgiving, Sawyer."
She chuckled softly and laid her head back down to my shoulder. "Happy Thanksgiving, Lucas."
Chapter 12
Friendships
Sawyer and I did something that weekend that we'd never done before - she came over and we watched a movie. Her parents had indeed relaxed her rules around me, since I'd sworn to not have any interest beyond friendship with her. I'd like to think that the decision was partly because they trusted Sawyer as well. She was the most trustworthy person I knew, and I really couldn't see what she could have possibly done to make them so overbearing.
I considered bringing it up while we sat close together on my couch watching some romantic comedy that she had picked up at the grocery store before coming over. I wasn't really interested in the movie, which showed more of an interest in showing off Matthew McConaughey's bare chest than any actual plot, but I was interested in spending time with her, so I kept my groans and eye rolling to myself.
We sat practically on the same cushion, our h*ps touching and my arm slung around her shoulders. She had her feet up on the couch and angled her knees into me, her head resting on my shoulder. If her dad had been here, he probably would have revoked her visitation rights immediately; we did look a little too cozy for platonic friends. But that was just the way we were. We enjoyed the comfort of each other's touch and when we were alone together, we often relished in it.
My thumb stroked her upper arm as I spaced out on the movie and instead thought about what to say to her. I wanted to know what was so mysterious. I wanted to know what she'd done that had uprooted her family and practically put a leash on her. I also wanted to respect her silence.
And Lord knows, I wasn't the most vocal one about my own secrets. I never talked with her about the crash. In fact, I never even brought up that night with her. The few instances she'd caught me crying about it, were really the only times it came up between us. Usually when I was with her, I was trying to push that part of my life away.
The bad parts anyway, I still wanted the good parts, the happy memories and most of all, the amazing dreams I'd been having with my friends. I still craved those and tried to bring them to me nightly. And Lillian...she hadn't reappeared to me yet, but I was ready for her to, ready to tell her I loved her. Maybe speaking of having a girlfriend out loud during Thanksgiving dinner, had finally broken through that last barrier in me. I was ready to move forward...with her.
And I was well aware of the oxymoron in that. I was aware that moving forward with a dead girl wasn't actually possible. But it was real enough for me. She filled the hole in me that her passing had created and I was going to greedily fill it with her ethereal presence. Once I got her to reappear to me, that was.
I'd considered talking to Sawyer about her...but I couldn't. There'd be no point in that. I knew exactly what she'd say, exactly what anyone would say - 'That's crazy, Luc. That's not a real relationship.' And Sawyer may actually make that conversation worse by adding, 'Is that why you won't be with me, because you're in love with your dead girlfriend and living out your fantasies with her...in your dreams?'
My stomach clenched at just the thought of hearing Sawyer say those words. I knew the situation would hurt her...and I didn't want to do that. She meant everything to me. So our first real time together, not in school, and not under the pretense of "homework" was spent mostly in silence, each of us respecting the other's desire for privacy. And I loved every second of it, regardless of that ridiculous man's ridiculously buff body.
Poking fun at her movie choice, and vowing to pick the next one, I parted ways with her a couple of hours later. A few hours after that, after having a late dinner with my mom, who'd conveniently "run errands" while Sawyer was visiting, I headed off to bed, hoping to meet up with the other woman in my life.
And I did...sort of.
I'd managed to bring myself back to that field just beyond my house. That field dappled in sunlight with a bubbling brook beside it. The air was warm and cheery and a light breeze ruffled my messy hair. It was sort of idyllic and I was proud of myself for recreating it. Somehow I'd even managed to bring the bed back.
I sat on the edge of it and waited...waited for her to come to me. The sky darkened and I momentarily worried that I'd lose control and it would start raining, I didn't want to dream about the rain. I concentrated on the clouds, demanding that they open back up and drench me in sunshine. It took awhile, but eventually a bright shaft hit me in the face and I blinked, suddenly blinded.
"Impressive, you're getting pretty good at this."
I smiled and brought my hand up over my eyes to look at Lil standing at the side of the bed in front of me. Only, it wasn't Lillian. My eyes opened wider as I took in the auburn hair gleaming in the sunshine. I'd been concentrating so hard on Lil, that I really hadn't expected to see anyone else. In my surprise, I lost control of the one aspect of the dream I was currently using, and crashed harshly to the ground as the bed underneath me vanished.
I grunted as I landed painfully on my back. Rubbing my backside, I scowled up at Sammy, who was laughing as she looked down at me. Shaking her head, she extended a hand and helped me up. She pointedly looked at the spot where the bed had been. "Not who you were expecting?"
I shook away my surprise and pulled her in for a hug. No, not who I was expecting, but a welcome friend regardless. "Hey, Sammy."
She held me back just as tight. "Hey, Lucas."
We broke apart and she looked around at the romantic setting I'd provided. I looked around as well and felt myself blushing; Sammy knew exactly what had happened here, in my steamiest dream to date. She grinned when she noticed my face. "Thank you for getting rid of the bed." Laughing, she lightly shoved my shoulder away from her. "I don't think you and I will need it, but maybe Darren and I can use it later." She laughed again and the radiant warmth in it eased my discomfort.
"Where's, Lil?" I asked softly, once her laughs had tapered back.
She sighed and kicked a rock in the grass. "Ah, Luc...she wanted me to come instead. Try talking to you..."
I sighed and sat down at the kitchen table...that was suddenly in the field where the bed had been a second ago. "About what, Sammy?"
Instead of taking the other chair, she walked around to my feet and squatted down in front of me. She picked up both of my hands and ran her thumbs over the backs while she grasped them. "You need to stop this, Lucas."
I stiffened and shook my head, both not wanting to stop and not wanting to hear another friend ask me too. "No...why?" I shrugged and suddenly felt very alone. "Don't you guys want to see me?" I knew my voice was small and pathetic, but I suddenly felt that way.
I looked at my lap and felt one of her hands release mine to cup my cheek. "Of course we do, Lucas. We want to see you. We'd see you very night if it were up to us...."
"But..." I muttered.
"But, we're trying to do what's best for you. And this," she waved her hand around the dreamscape I'd created for Lil, "this isn't right."
I shook my head. "It's just a dream, Sammy...I know that. But it brings me comfort. Why can't I have that? Why can't I have you guys...and Lillian."
Her hand returned to my hand in my lap. "Because it's not just a dream to you, it's not just comfort. It's a date...with her. A date you were hoping would lead to...more." She raised her eyebrows as she gave me a stern look. "You're trying to continue the relationship you had with her, in your head. Advance it even."
I shook my head again. "I just want to tell her that I love her. I'm not trying to..." I shrugged my shoulders lamely. "I just want to finally tell her I love her. I never got to..."
Sammy sighed and brought her hand to my cheek again, running it down my face. "She knows that. Do you honestly think she didn't know that?"
I closed my eyes at the reference to Lillian in the past tense. Tears started to burn them and I swallowed harshly. She wasn't past tense...not here. Here, she was alive. Here, she was real. "I want to see Lil now, Sammy," I scratched out, my voice raw with barely contained emotion.