She whimpered and groaned my name, followed by her own pleas for more, and then her fingers moved between us, and stilling my hips, she unzipped her jeans. My heart pounding, our lips never stopping, I felt her push them down, just passed her hips, and then her fingers reached over to unzip mine. "Oh god, please," I muttered, as I helped her position mine the same.
With my erection pushing against my shorts, freed from the restraint of one barrier of clothing, I resettled on her thighs. Her hands slid around to grab my hips, guiding me where she most needed me. With a ragged cry, her whole body arched against me as we pressed against each other, unimpeded by the thick fabric of our denims. I bit my lip and groaned heavily, feeling the warmth of her body, as the thin materials separating us slid together. I could feel a faint trace of dampness on her underwear as the edge of my hardness, passed over the edge of her softness. It was bliss. A bliss I didn't know I could still feel while being conscious.
Vague cries and gasps and muttered pleas for more filled my ears, some from her, some from me. It was so easy to be with her like this, that I couldn't remember why we'd never done this before. I couldn't even think about all the lines of friendship we were crossing. I couldn't think of anything, really. My mind had shut off awhile ago and only sensation, desire and instinct drove me.
Her own out of control needs seemed to be driving her as well. In one fast move and arch of her back, her hands went to her h*ps and she pushed her jeans down farther. My breath hitched with the anticipation of where this might go, of where I wanted it to go, and then I hastily helped her scrunch the bulky material all the way off her legs. With her jeans no longer restricting us, I settled more firmly in-between her thighs and pressed directly against her.
"Oh, Sawyer...god, yes," I muttered, as I was finally able to completely press my full length up against her. I could definitely feel the warmth of her moisture on me this way, her readiness for me, for this, and I groaned heavily as her legs clamped around mine. My heart surged and my breath could barely keep pace as our h*ps found a rhythm that was natural and appealing, and felt so much more connected than how we physically were. With a loud cry, her head dropped back on the cushions and her hands ran back up my spine. She started to pant in an intoxicating rhythm and her hands came up to tangle in my hair. I watched her face intently, knowing she was close to coming and, oh god, how I wanted to come with her. My breath came in a quicker pant as I pushed harder and faster against her.
She muttered my name over and over, followed by a faint "don't stop" and closed her eyes as her body stiffened, and the beginnings of ecstasy washed over her. I wanted more. I wanted to stop grinding against her. I wanted to pull down her underwear and slip inside her. I wanted to feel her coming around me, while I came inside of her. I'd never gone that far before with anyone, but I suddenly wanted it more than I wanted the air I was gasping for. I imagined how that would feel - her body wrapped around me: warm, wet, tight...
She cried out and clenched my back hard as her cli**x intensified. A moment of desperation washed over me as I moved against her ceaselessly, grabbing her h*ps and pulling her into me, as I unconsciously started shifting her underwear down. I wanted to come inside her so bad. I wanted to come so bad. And then, suddenly, and much to my surprise...I did.
My fingers curled around the edges of her panties, twisting them, and I dropped my head to her shoulder. She pulled me tight to her, a long cry escaping me as the orgasm ripped through my body. She ran her hands through my hair as a chorus of "oh god" ran through my head and surely followed out of my mouth. I panted in her ear, struggling to control my breath, while she ran a hand tenderly down my back and whispered my name.
It was hearing her lovingly say my name that snapped reality back into me. Oh, fuck...no. What did I just let happen? What did I just do? Ugh, and kind of all over her. Did I just ruin everything?
Frozen in terror, I remained on top of her, my head glued to her shoulder, until both of our breaths returned to normal. Feeling genuine fear, I lifted my head to look at her. We stared at each other with almost frozen in shock faces. He hadn't had sex, technically, but it felt like we just had. We'd been so connected and needy, almost desperate with how much we'd wanted each other. And I'd wanted so much more than just coming in my shorts. I'd wanted her in a way I'd never wanted anyone but Lillian.
Thinking of Lil made icy guilt flash right through me. This would kill Lil the next time I saw her...and she'd know; I couldn't keep anything from my friends. They knew what I knew...and they'd all know about this. I imagined Lillian would be crushed.
Finally, feeling horrid and guilty, and a little gross, I lifted off of her. "I should...I'm gonna... I'll be back in a minute." She only nodded as I stood up and adjusted my jeans. Avoiding looking at her again, I went to my room. I changed my underwear and cleaned myself up; luckily most of the mess appeared to have stayed with me. Throwing on a pair of sweats that were lying on my floor, I ran a hand through my hair and sighed noisily.
Great. If I hadn't been misleading before...I definitely was now. Why did I let that get so carried away? Why did I even start that, when I suspected she had real feelings for me? I thought of my dream. I thought of my despair and my overwhelming need to make it end. I sighed as the answer struck me - I'd needed the release. I'd been selfish, and taken something from her that I was pretty sure she'd let me have. I closed my eyes as I put my hand on the door handle, momentarily thanking my sudden orgasm from stopping me from going all the way with her. I wasn't sure if she'd have let that happen or not...but I had the feeling she would have. Because she likes me, because she cares about me...for some odd reason. I hoped she wasn't hurt by what just happened, but I didn't see how she couldn't be. God, now I really was a louse.
Sighing, I opened my door and prepared to face her. Shaking my head, I wondered how things could change so fast. In one night, I'd managed to hurt the two women that mattered most to me. I'd betrayed Lil and misled Sawyer even more. I wished I could redo the entire day. Hell, if I was wishing for redos, then I wished I could rewind time all the way to that night.
I walked back out to the living room, where she was sitting quietly on the couch, perfectly put back together and playing with the ring on her thumb. I sighed softly at seeing her nervous habit return and she looked up at me when she heard the noise. I moved to sit beside her, keeping as much distance between us that I could, without offending her. "Sawyer..." Oh god, I didn't want to have to say this... "I'm...I'm really sorry...about...that." She flushed with color and nodded, studying the floor. I swallowed and felt my cheeks heating. I hated this. "Do you want to talk about it?"
I really hoped she said no, and we could just pretend none of this ever happened. She looked up at me with analyzing eyes and I wondered if my thoughts were all over my face. They must have been, for after a moment of contemplation she finally shook her head. "I should... It's getting late, I should go."
I ran a hand through my hair and nodded as she stood up. I stood up next to her and debated grabbing her hand, or putting mine on her shoulder, or even hugging her, but everything felt weird and contradictory, so I didn't do anything. "Okay...um...I'll see you tomorrow morning then?" I didn't mean for it to come out like a question, but it did.
She nodded, her mind clearly deep in thought, and made her way to the door, where she grabbed her bag and jacket. I silently watched her slip them on and place her hand on the door. My heart squeezed at the thought of the strain I'd placed between us; we'd been so perfect. She turned back to look at me with her hand still on the knob. "Goodnight, Lucas."
"Goodnight, Sawyer," I whispered. And I'm really sorry.
Chapter 13
Are We Okay? Am I Okay?
I awoke the next morning with a knot in my stomach. No, not a knot. A knot sounded too small and simple. What was bundled up in my stomach was gargantuan - a super knot, exposed to some otherworldly gamma rays and wrecking havoc on my digestive system with its super size and strength. A little dramatic, yes, but that's what it felt like.
Luckily, I hadn't had any dreams worth remembering last night. Luckily, Lil and all my friends had stayed away. Maybe they'd sensed that I needed space. Or maybe it was just a fluke; dreams are usually random anyway, regardless of how much I'd like to think that I can control them. Yet another reason not to talk about them to people. It makes the argument of 'how can you hope to live in a world beyond your grasp, always wishing and wanting it to come to you?' too valid of a point.
I didn't need other people nagging me on the one sore spot that I had with my dreams, my dilemma with them, if you will. It bothered me enough that I couldn't always have the conversations I wanted, that I couldn't always see who I wanted. That sometimes I had dreams I wouldn't wish on anybody...like my nightmare last night.
I shivered as I lay in my bed, staring at my ceiling, remembering the fragments of that dream. Unlike most of my dreams of my friends, I didn't know I was dreaming. Of course, that dream hadn't really been a dream. It was a memory. I'd been reliving events and thoughts that had really happened, right down to turning Lillian's head to make her look at me.
I closed my eyes and fought back the bile suddenly rising in my throat. That had been the most horrific moment of my life and I didn't wish to revisit it. Even still, the screams and tortured cries I'd made in that car echoed through my head. I don't know how long I'd yelled and shaken her, getting her blood all over me, but eventually shock had taken over my body and I'd sat back in my seat, shaking violently, watching the rain ease up on the windshield...waiting.
Looking back at that moment, I think I'd been waiting for death to take me too, not someone to rescue me. I think I'd been shaking in that seat, praying for some internal injury to make itself known. Waiting for some part of me to bleed out, so I could close my eyes and join my girlfriend, wherever she had gone. And so, not knowing that Sheriff Whitney was coming, that he was close to being my savior, I had waited...to die.
I opened my eyes with that unwelcome memory burning my irises. Combining it with the super-knot in my stomach and the bile I'd already been fighting back and, well, I lost all control. I scrambled to the bathroom and heaved nosily in the toilet.
Perfect...just how I like to start my day.
Panting, and urging my body to calm down, I rested my head on my arm over the cold seat. My other hand squeezed my stomach in a massaging fashion, trying to ease the pain of that discomfort. I closed my eyes as my breathing and stomach settled. Feeling a light touch to my shoulder, I opened them and glanced behind me. My mother leaned over me, concern clear in her haggard features.
"Are you alright? Are you sick?"
I sat back on my heels, shaking my head. "No, I..."
I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to talk about my dream. I never talked about that to anyone. All I ever told people, even my mom, was that I remembered leaving the party and the next thing I knew, I was waking up in the hospital. God, how I wished that were true. But it wasn't, and I couldn't tell her about dreaming of my memory of finding Lil dead...that would lead to too many other conversations I didn't want to have.