I shook my head at her odd, mixed attitude towards me and turned back to Sawyer, who was watching her as well. I was about to ask her what Brittany had done, when she interrupted me. "I can never tell if she wants to screw you...or kill you." She turned back to me with furrowed brows.
I shook my head and sighed. "I know...I can't either. What did she say to you?"
She shook her hair out, her face relaxing as she did. "Doesn't matter. I don't know what her problem is with me, and I can't control what she does or says..." She exhaled and let a warm smile touch her lips. "But it's still up to me how I react to it, right?"
I smiled and shook my head. "You sound like my counselor now."
She laughed and motioned with her head to the main building. "Well, maybe I've discovered my calling in life."
I laughed. "Being my counselor? Do you think that would be a lifelong job?"
She giggled beside me, staring at me with adoration clear on her face. "I hope so."
I swallowed at the look in her eye and then nervously chuckled. "Well, don't expect it to pay much."
She laughed and shoved her hands in her pockets. For a second, I missed that I couldn't hold her hand, but it was for the best. I shouldn't be so friendly with her, if it wasn't going to go anywhere other than, well, friendship. I shoved my hands in my pockets as well, and we made our way to our next activities in a comfortable silence.
Chapter 15
Leave Me My Happy Fantasy, That's All I Ask
I hesitated with my hand on the door handle, a hard ball forming in my stomach. Yesterday's session had been horrible - emotional and draining. I didn't want a repeat of that day. I didn't want to confess any more of my secrets to the person on the other side of this door. Of course, I did still have a couple more weeks left of sessions and if I ever wanted back into the purity club with Sawyer, I had to do this. As my hand slowly twisted the handle, I wondered if that was even the reason I still kept coming here day after day.
I opened the door and stepped through, the familiar jazz music coming to my ears. Mrs. Ryans sat at her desk, her hands resting comfortably in her lap, waiting for me. Her springy hair was swept up in a clip and only a few loose curls brushed her shoulders. Her ice blue eyes warmed at seeing me and she motioned to the chair on the other side of the L-shaped desk that made up her work space.
I glanced at the computer behind her as I sat down, watching her screen saver of colorful lines twisting and bending in on themselves; a constant progression of being turned inside out. It reminded me of how I felt coming here, like every session was turning some piece of me inside out, and eventually I'd just be a messy pile of goo on the carpet.
"Hello, Lucas."
Her warm, low voice brought me back to the moment and I pulled my eyes away from her computer to meet her gaze. I swallowed a sudden bundle of nerves and nodded my greeting back to her. She looked over my face, and maybe seeing the tension there, frowned slightly. Almost immediately the frown vanished and she started in on the easy to answer questions, loosening me up.
When I felt more at ease, she skillfully started turning the conversation to harder questions, questions I didn't want to answer. "How have you been feeling lately?"
I shrugged. "As well as I usually do, I guess." She raised her eyebrows at me and nodded, encouraging me to expand on that. I shook my head and found a smile creeping onto my face, remembering my dream last night of Lillian. "I actually woke up happy today...really happy." I didn't mention that school had sort of ruined my buzz; just being truly, purely happy at least once today, was pretty impressive for me.
She must have thought so as well. "That's great, Lucas." Her face brightened as she said that and I could tell she really meant it. "Was that because you dreamed of Lillian last night?"
The smile immediately fell off my face. I felt that knot return and I shook my head no. I'd let too much of that slip, I couldn't risk anymore coming out. She frowned as she looked over my response. "Really? You didn't talk to her last night? To tell her about your day maybe?"
I swallowed. That was exactly what had happened last night. We'd talked while we'd danced. I'd told her everything that had happened to me since our last meeting. I'd told her everything in my heart, things I'd never tell a living person. My hopes, my desires...all the things I wanted for her and me. She'd listened and smiled, only a trace of sadness in her features when I talked about what life could be like for the two of us - together forever in my head.
I shook my head again and Mrs. Ryans compressed her lips briefly. Looking down at her desk, she twisted a pencil in her hands. After a moment, she looked back up at me. Not able to take her gaze, I looked away. "Luc, I'd really like to help you. You can talk to me about her...it's okay."
Quietly, I said, "There's nothing to tell. I...I didn't see her." I swallowed again and risked a glance back at her. She didn't appear to be buying my lie. Feeling a need to turn the conversation, I told her, "I asked Sawyer to the dance."
She blinked at me and then a huge grin lit her face. "That's wonderful, Lucas. Truly, wonderful. I think you guys will have a great time."
I smiled and relaxed back in my seat. "Yeah, maybe." A huge grin plastered my face. "Sawyer is so excited to go. I'm still not sure about the whole thing, but the look on her face when I asked her..." I laughed and slowly shook my head, looking at my lap. "Whatever happens there will be worth it, after seeing that look."
I raised my eyes to hers; she was still smiling warmly at me. "I never would have thought a stupid dance would be so important to her, but you should see her...she glows." A soft chuckle escaped me as I thought about her delight when we'd discussed flower choices. She'd settled on a corsage of daises, of all things.
A soft chuckle escaped her as she looked over my face. "Well, most girls do like dances. I'm sure you and Lillian went to a few?" I absentmindedly nodded, still thinking about the way Sawyer's eyes had lit up when she mentioned swinging by the diner so my mom could see us all decked out.
I heard her ask her next question and found myself answering it instinctively. "I didn't know I'd be going along with your crazy plan when she came to me last night, but, no, Lillian will be fine with it. She wants me to be with Sawyer..." I froze as what she'd asked finally filtered into my head. She'd asked if Lillian had had a problem with me going to a dance with another girl. I'd been thinking about other things and had answered reflexively. She'd just set a word trap for me and like an idiot, I'd fallen right into it. She'd completely caught my lie.
"So you did see Lillian last night." She kept her face and voice neutral, but I thought I could hear concern in it.
I shook my head. "I don't want to talk about her. She's not a part of this...of me being high at school, which is why I'm here." My tone was insistent and desperate. I wanted to stop all these side conversations we'd been having. None of them had anything to do with Josh slipping me drugs.
She shook her head at me. "Lucas," she said softly. "I told you before, that is what you did to get here...it's not why you're here."
My face hardened. "Yes, it is. The only reason I'm here, is to complete my sentence so I can get back into the club. I'm only here because I was drugged and got busted."
She leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms over her chest. "And why do you want back in the club?"
I frowned. "Because...I...I want to...help out...the school."
She raised an eyebrow at me, once again catching my lie. "You have shown no interest in being a part of this school, of being a part of this community even. Why do you really want back in?"
I sighed, knowing I needed to fess up. "To be with Sawyer."
I shrugged and she nodded, like she knew that. "But...you don't want to be with her. " I shook my head, about to argue and she quickly amended. "As more than a friend. You want to maintain that distance because of Lillian. Because in your mind, you're still with her. Because your guilt and shame and...need, won't let you release your friends. You're holding on so tight...you're drowning. You speak to no one. You barely look at anyone. You disassociate from everything. Someone drugged you...and you've done nothing. Your body is still in this world...but you're slowly leaving it. Do you see how it's connected? Do you see why you're really here?"
My face pale, I muttered, "No, why?"
She laid a hand on my arm and sighed. "A part of you wants to reconnect, Lucas. A part of you wants to be with Sawyer. A part of you wants to belong to this world. A part of you wants to live, Lucas. You just have to be willing to let that part out."
I didn't know what to say to that, so I said nothing. I did nothing. I stared over her shoulder at her computer and watched the twisting lines again. I felt my stomach clench in icy familiarity and I focused on keeping my breaths natural and even. I heard her sigh at my reaction. I wasn't sure what she wanted from me, but I had nothing left to give her today. She seemed to understand that, and the remainder of our session was a quiet one, with her talking and me listening, nodding occasionally and muttering one word answers when it was appropriate.
When our time was up, she walked over to me and put a hand on my shoulder. "I know your required time here is almost up, but I'd really like to keep seeing you." She smiled encouragingly while my heart dropped. "I'd like to help, Lucas."
I stood up, saying nothing, but thinking, 'not a snowball's chance'.
I left the room and went to go find Sawyer. Purity club was having an "event" day, meaning they were stalking other clubs and sports practices to recruit more members. It was almost like some odd cult, led by Ms. Reynolds. It was working though; the club had tripled in size since Sawyer and I had joined at the beginning of school.
I found them loitering around the basketball team in the gym. They were passing out t-shirts to the players, and being ridiculed by said players behind their backs. But, not by all of them though. Some had thoughtful expressions and kept the shirts, slinging them over their shoulder or quickly stuffing them in their gym bag. Some of those people cast quick glances at me when they did that and I wondered if I was a walking advertisement to join the club. 'Don't let this happen to you'.
I sighed and rolled my eyes. I spotted Sawyer mid-eye roll up in the bleachers, talking with Sally again. Sally was short and wide, with frizzy hair in a nondescript brown color. Her style was kind of granola, like she probably was also in the Save the Earth club. But she had one of the nicest smiles I'd seen in awhile. I'd known her for a long time, but never really known her. She was currently making Sawyer laugh though, so I instantly liked her.
I made my way over as members of the club started to say goodbye and leave the gym. Sawyer spotted me and grinned, waving me over. I hesitantly walked up to her, not sure if my being here was me technically participating in a club activity or not. I wasn't welcome to join, but I wasn't sure if I was "banned" either. Sally only gave me a soft smile when I stepped up to them though. I saw the tightness in the smile and thought she probably didn't approve of me hanging around, but was nice enough to not say anything directly to me.