There had been a constant chatter around classes. I tuned out most of it, but still caught phrases like: Who are you going with? What are you wearing? Do you think he'll kiss me? Do you think she'll put out? Pretty standard pre-dance conversations. I kept my head down and pushed it all out. Especially when I heard my own name whispered on more than a few occasions. Those I tried to ignore, but it still seeped in: Lucas will be there, think he'll be sober? Think he'll spike the punch? Will Sawyer really stop him from getting drunk? Does Sawyer drink too? Should she drink while she's pregnant?
Yeah, there were still pregnancy rumors floating around about us. That would be a pretty miraculous pregnancy on my part, if it were true.
Thinking about my virgin status, brought my mind back around to Lillian. I couldn't figure out why the dreams were snapping away from me. I'd never lost them so consistently in the same place before. It was like she had on an ethereal chastity belt and I wasn't being allowed to cross it. I didn't even have anyone I could talk to about it. My mom? God, no. No way. Sawyer? I only think that conversation would hurt her feelings and make me horribly uncomfortable. My counselor? No, she didn't need any more ammo. She was already firmly on the "live your life" soapbox, her and Darren both.
I sighed and made my way through the living room. I couldn't even talk to my best friend about it. Not when he was so dead set against it happening in the first place. He thinks it would hurt me more. I don't see how that's possible. What could hurt worse than the aching loneliness I struggled through every day? Honestly, I think making love to Lil would be the best moment of my life.
I tried to push out how sad that statement actually was as I walked into the kitchen. A full pot of hot coffee met me, along with a note:
'Had an early meeting. See you later tonight at the diner. Can't wait to see Sawyer all dressed up! Love, Mom'.
I half smiled and poured myself a cup. Mom, being a typical mom, was all too excited about seeing Sawyer and I all dressed up like miniature adults. Sawyer had come by last weekend and tried on a few of Mom's dresses. She'd been reluctant at first, not even wanting to put a few on, but eventually she warmed up and tried on a couple of Mom's more elegant looking ones. Mom never got rid of her party clothes. Many of them she'd had since before I was born, but she reasoned that eventually, she may have some reason to wear them and nice dresses were expensive. As I'd watched Sawyer twirl around my mom's bedroom in a couple, I'd thought my mom was pretty smart.
I sipped my coffee in silence and spaced out as I stared out the window, waiting for Sawyer to come get me like she did every morning. Our no-touching policy had been more or less going okay. We didn't hold hands anymore and didn't hug or sling an arm around the other. Honestly, I missed the contact, but it wasn't fair to either her or Lil to keep up with the...well, I guess flirting really.
Not that we'd been perfect. Occasionally we slipped. Once, while watching a movie with her (and watching her more than the movie), my hand had acted on its own and reached over the half-cushion between us to grab her fingers. I hadn't meant to do that, but once she'd turned and smiled at me, lacing our hands together, I hadn't been able to pull away without offending her and we'd spent the remainder of the movie that way.
Then there were the occasional moments where I just needed her to touch me, needed her comforting caress - bad memories, bad dreams, bad encounters with used-to-be friends or, more often than not, bad counseling sessions. Well, maybe not necessarily bad, but...hard. Wounds and scabs were being lifted and scoured, and I hated it. I hated going and hated speaking, yet found myself saying more and more every session. And Mrs. Ryans' favorite subject...was Lillian and me. She pried for insight into our relationship daily.
Seeing Sawyer's car in the driveway pulled my thoughts away from my girlfriend, and finishing my cold coffee, I grabbed my bag and coat and made my way out to Sawyer. She beamed at me as I opened the door and sat down.
"Good morning, Lucas."
I grinned at her happy face, her midnight hair pulled back into an adorable ponytail, showcasing her perfect cheekbones, highlighted in a rosy pink from the chill in the air. I shook my head at her, knowing her grin was because she was picturing tonight. As I returned her greeting and we pulled out of my drive, I hoped all the teasing she'd endured lately was worth it. I'd only caught a few glimpses of it, but it was enough to boil my blood and make me worry for her. But she'd brushed off Brittany and her group of tormentors with a chipper shrug, assuring me that we were going to have fun.
As I watched the school loom closer and closer in the windshield, I began to wonder. I pushed aside the dread in my belly when I heard her giggle beside me and nearly bounce out of the car once we'd stopped. She waited for me at the hood and a true smile spread across my face as I joined her. We would have fun...somehow.
The buzz around school was just what I'd expected. The students were so into the upcoming event that I was virtually ignored. Aside from an odd look by Randy and a suggestive look from Brittany, I got through my day pretty much unmolested. Josh didn't even look at me. Of course, the huge fight I'd heard him have with his girlfriend in the hallway during break, might have had something to do with that. I'd only caught the words, "why don't you take your whore to the dance?" before she'd stormed off and he'd chased after her. I suspected that maybe Josh had gotten caught with his hands on someone else's merchandise again.
Mrs. Ryans had poked and prodded in our session, but she'd held back in places she didn't usually hold back, almost like she didn't want to ruin my night by bringing me to an emotional edge. We'd talked a lot about the dance and about what it meant for me to sort of reenter society. I confessed my fear about the whole matter and she assured me that it was worse in my head than in reality. She'd again encouraged me to continue to see her after my time was up, and told me I could call her during winter break, if I needed to talk to anyone. She'd even handed me her business card with her cell phone number written on the back. Maybe that was what had opened me up. Maybe that's what had made me ask this as we were parting ways:
"Do you think life ever makes mistakes?"
I'd been looking down, staring at the sharp, right angle of her desk when I'd asked that and at the silence that greeted my question, I raised my head to find her looking at me with an odd expression, hopeful, yet sad as well. Finally she nodded her head and quietly told me, "Sure, all the time." She sighed and looked down at the pencil in her hands before meeting my gaze again. "Some people live who shouldn't...and even more people die who shouldn't."
She gave me a pointed look when she said that and I nodded. Something about the sentence nagged at me though, picking at a hard to reach corner of my brain, but I tried to brush it aside when I saw Sawyer again. Her bubbly excitement eventually drove all the painful thoughts of my friends away, and with her practically giggling that she'd see me in a few hours, she dropped me off at home.
And so, before I knew it, my day was over and I was prepping myself for the big night. It was an even bigger deal for me than just a dance - this would be the first Friday night I'd actually left the house in a really long time. Thinking about that, in-between dressing and trying to manage my unruly hair, my stomach starting doing little flip-flops. I pushed aside my fear, as best I could, and after I'd finished getting ready, I sat and waited for the time to pass by. It took awhile, which the clock on the wall ticking ominously with every achingly long second, reminded me.
It felt odd waiting for Sawyer to pick me. It felt odd for two very different reasons. One, it felt like I had rewound to this morning, and I was waiting for her to pick me up for school again, and the fact that we actually were going back to the school wasn't helping there. Second, it felt odd that I wasn't driving to pick her up. Not that I wanted to drive, not that that was even a possibility - I don't think I could even gather the courage to start a car, but still, it was the sort of event where a guy should really be doing the picking up.
The one bonus of her coming to get me, I suppose, was that I didn't have to face the wrath of her father. Maybe wrath is too strong of a word, but she did tell me he had...reservations, about us going to a dance together. Sawyer had had to all but promise him that she wouldn't be opening her legs for me. She hadn't exactly put it like that when she embarrassingly told me, but that was the impression I'd gotten. It made me flush just thinking about it and I wasn't sure why. Maybe because we'd finally be breaking our no-contact rule tonight. Breaking it repeatedly. We'd be close, really close...all night.
I wiped my sweaty hands on my black slacks and picked up the corsage box, tossing the clear plastic back and forth in my hands, the intricate daisy creation inside it, shifting back and forth. I really shouldn't be nervous about holding her all night. It's not like anything was going to happen. I'd even finally had that conversation with Lillian, to assure her that we were just going as friends and it didn't mean anything. She'd looked away from me after I'd told her that, and apologized that she couldn't be there with me. I'd held her and kissed her, and told her she was with me everywhere I went. She'd looked at me sadly and told me I shouldn't be with her, told me I should be with Sawyer, since she was alive and could give me the life I deserved. I'd told her to stop being ridiculous, and kissed her with as much ferocity as I could muster.
She always tried to slip that into our meetings. That what we were doing wasn't right, and that I shouldn't be saving myself for her when I had a living girl right in front of me. I hated when she said that. I hated that even after pouring our hearts out to each other, she still wanted me to end things. I wished she'd understand that I never would.
Lights splashed along the kitchen window and I looked up from the table to see Sawyer's car in the drive. I exhaled slowly and stood while I watched her car shut off and her dome light pop on when she opened her door. How cute. She was going to come to the door to get me, just like an actual date. My stomach flopped again.
Forgoing the warmth of a jacket for style, I grabbed my corsage box and opened the door for Sawyer. I held my breath when I took in the sight of her. She looked...like a goddess. She was wearing my mom's deep, navy blue, velvet, long-sleeved party dress. I'm not sure what my mom had worn it to, but it was a touch sexy. It was long, nearly draping onto the floor, but not quite reaching it thanks to dark blue, open toed high heels that she'd also borrowed. The dress flared slightly around mid-thigh, with a slit down the middle starting well above her knee, well above the school's policy on short skirt lengths. I hoped they'd overlook it, since it was technically a dress. It hinted at a pair of very shapely legs above the opening and highlighted the very shapely calves when her movements offered a peek.
But that really wasn't what made it hot. It was the fact that the velvet material clung to every curve of her, and I couldn't help but notice something that I'd never noticed before, something her loose t-shirts and worn jeans had hidden quite well. Sawyer...had a really nice body. I felt mine responding, just taking her in, and changed my initial description - the dress wasn't just a touch sexy, it was the sexiest thing I'd ever seen. I tried really hard to forget it was my mom's.
Collecting myself, I told her she looked great (understatement much?) and stepped outside, closing the door. She laughed and bit her lip, eyeing me up and down and blushing slightly, telling me I looked great too. I knew I came nowhere near her perfection, what with my basic black pants and lighter shade of blue dress shirt, that complimented her dark shade. We'd opted for no tie, thank God, and I had on basic black dress shoes. Honestly, I could have been going to church and not a semi-formal, but this was how Sawyer wanted me, and tonight was mainly for her. A thank you, if you will, for putting up with me.