God, I miss you, Lil.
After awhile I showered and got dressed for the day. I wasn't even going to bother trying to get back to sleep. I didn't want to dream about her again...and I desperately did want to dream about her again. But school was in a couple of hours anyway. Any dream I would have had, would've been a short one, and if I was going to see her that way again, I wanted as much time as possible. God, what a messed up thought: To sleep, perchance to dream...but only if you've got the time to commit to it.
Sighing, I made a pot of coffee. Mom frowned on me drinking the stuff, but like a lot of things in my life lately, she let it slide. It was almost as if I had a permanent "get out of jail free" card. She let me get away with doing things I'd never have gotten away with before. Cutting school, for instance. If it was last year and I'd done that, she'd have had my head. Of course, if it were last year, I'd be cutting to go get into trouble with Darren. A lot can change in a year.
I thought over my friend as I grabbed the pot of thick, black and incredibly strong coffee (once I'd decided to start drinking it, I hadn't messed around and went right for the hard stuff). His joking face popped into my head easier than it had in awhile; maybe seeing Lil had sharpened his memory in me as well. I could clearly see his quick to light with mischief brown eyes and unruly, dark brown hair, that was always sticking up somewhere, even though Sammy was continually trying to press it flat, which usually made him grunt in mock exasperation and playfully push her mothering hands away.
I pictured him leaning back in my kitchen, arms crossed over his chest, frowning at me and shaking his head. "Come on, Lucas - blow off class with me today."
I smiled at the remembered conversation we'd had months ago. "I can't, Darren. I have a math test first period."
He rolled his eyes and shook his head again. "So...M80s, Luc! Freakin' M80s! Let's go blow some shit up!" His eyes lit up at the prospect. Even though he was two months older than me, sometimes he seemed about three years younger. He and Josh had scored the fireworks...somewhere. They were always finding...questionable entertainment.
I smiled wider. "We will. I'll meet you after school."
His normally happy face darkened a bit and he twisted his lips in clear displeasure about something. "I can't after school. Josh wants to come too and he's still grounded. He has to go right home after school, and Mom would have my head if I didn't take him."
I'd never asked what Josh had done (he was constantly getting grounded for something), so I had no idea now, why that had been an issue. But apparently, Josh missing class wouldn't bring wrath down on Darren, so he'd been all for that plan. Of course, with those two, forging notes had become almost an art form.
"I'll meet up with you guys at lunch, okay? We'll blow some shit up then." I almost felt like laughing when I remembered what we'd ended up blowing up. Darren had swiped a garden gnome from his neighbor's house and the poor concrete bastard had met its maker down by the river. Darren's neighbor had asked his parents for weeks if they'd seen that thing. Luckily for Darren, they'd never found out...although, I suppose it didn't matter now.
"Luc?"
The vision of Darren, nodding at my suggestion and growing animatedly excited over what we could do, suddenly vanished from my sight at the sound of my mother's voice. I turned my head, my hand still clenched around the full coffee pot, ready to pour it into my cup. I realized that, to her, I'd just been standing still at the counter holding a pot of coffee and doing nothing for...god knows how long.
"Are you okay?"
I nodded as she walked completely into our small kitchen. The room basically consisted of a stove next to a dishwasher next to a small sink next to a fridge. Somewhere in that cramped space, they had thrown in a little counter room, just enough for the coffee pot. The other wall of the room had a narrow rectangle of a table with only two chairs, one for her and one for me, underneath a large window that overlooked our driveway. After giving me a quick hug and a look-over, she sat down in the chair traditionally held as hers.
I poured a mug for her automatically. As per usual, she didn't delve any further into what I'd been thinking, giving me my space. By what even I knew was a solemn look on my face, she had to of known anyway. There were really only three things I ever thought much about: Sammy, Darren and Lillian. Either of the three would cause her, and myself, a handful of pain, so I didn't go into any details.
I poured a mug for myself and joined her at the table. Neither of us ate anything; we'd never much had the stomach for food before ten in the morning. We weren't what you'd call "breakfast people."
Mom was dressed and ready for her first job of the day, her hair in an orderly ponytail that I knew would be falling apart by lunchtime. She was dressed in jeans and a uniformed polo shirt with 'Andy's Hardware' in the upper left corner. She worked there until five and then she switched clothes, sometimes in her station wagon, and headed out to the diner. She had taken a job at a hardware store, not just to make sure we got by, but also so she'd be knowledgeable in home repair and maintenance. She'd completely depended on a man once in her life and she didn't want to ever have to do that again. She'd taught me everything she had learned over the years. I learned a lot from my mom.
Feeling her eyes drinking me in again, I brought up a topic that I thought might bring her a small amount of cheer. It had certainly been the only bright spot in my day yesterday. My lips curled into a tight, contained smile. "I met a girl yesterday."
Her eyes widened at that, before they returned to normal. Her face took on an expression of weariness and happiness. I liked seeming the latter if not the former. Mom knew that when I said, "I met a girl", I meant it in only the most literal way it could be taken. There were no potential love interests for me. Not right now. Not when my heart was lying in a cold, dark...
Mom interrupted my swirling thoughts. "Oh, did you?" She sighed softly, as she looked over my face again.
I coughed and made myself cheer up for her. "Yeah, in the bathroom." I leaned in conspiratorially. "The men's bathroom."
Mom laughed. It was short and seemed a little rusty from being unused for so long, but it had been genuine and the smile on my face was suddenly as real as that laugh had been. "Sounds like an interesting girl."
I thought over the encounter and nodded as I took a long draw from my potent coffee. "That she is." My smile again was genuine and my mom noticed it and cocked an eyebrow before letting her face relax into neutrality. She didn't want to get her hopes up that I'd moved on. Either that, or she was struggling with me moving on as well. She'd loved Lil too.
"Does this bathroom girl have a name?"
I let out a soft laugh at my mom using the same nickname I'd used; my laugh was a little rusty too. "Sawyer." Mom raised her eyebrows and I nodded. "Yeah, like Tom Sawyer." I shook my head. "Her parents are fans." Mom laughed again and I delighted in the rare sound, happy that I had given her a reason to produce it. In a thoughtful voice, I added, "She's new this year and she was really...kind to me yesterday."
Mom's laughter ended as she took in my tone of voice and the look on my face. Mom heard the gossip too, and could probably guess how my day had actually gone. Someone showing me an ounce of warmth would have been held in high regard in her eyes. They started to water now as she, for the seemingly hundredth time this morning, looked me over.
"I'm glad, Lucas," she whispered.
I nodded and we both went back to quietly sipping our caffeine. After long, silent moments, when my mug was finally empty, I stood, gave her a kiss on the head, and left to grab my backpack. I also grabbed a plain, gray jacket that had been buried in the back of the coat closet. Mom stood and watched me from the kitchen entryway. Her eyes took in the absence of my letterman's jacket, but she didn't ask where it went. Its absence, along with mine, must have filled in a lot of the blanks for her, on what really went down at school. She sighed and offered me a ride again, which I declined, again. She wished me luck and told me she loved me and I returned both sentiments to her. Then she hugged me and we parted ways for the day.
I headed outside to walk the couple miles to school. It was early and I had the time today. It was also still overcast, but this morning was dry, and it seemed like it was going to stay that way. And really, even if it were pouring, I'd rather walk a few miles in a downpour, than hop on that damn bus again.
The walk to school was long and a touch monotonous. I found my mind blanking out as I counted the cracks in the pavement. It did stay dry on me, and at the three thousandth, four hundredth and fifty-second crack, I finally arrived back at Sheridan High. It was early still, and only a couple bodies were milling around the school. I didn't look to see if they noticed me. Instead, I immediately made my way up to the main building and up the stairs to my English class.
The room was empty as I went to take my seat at the desk I sat in yesterday. I glanced around at the twenty or so other desks, all empty and awaiting their occupants, those students still on their way to school or eating breakfast, or possibly even still sleeping.
For a second, I remembered that Sammy was supposed to be in this class with me. The four of us last year had worked out our schedules so that one or all of us would have a class together. It had ended up with just Sammy and me in this first period. Lillian had been really excited that her best friend was going to be in a class with me again. Her "plant" as she put it, to subtly remind me of birthdays, holidays and our anniversary. What it would have ended up being, was what last year's Geometry class had ended up being - Sammy digging out secrets on Darren from me.
I pictured Sammy in the seat in front of me, twisting around to grin at me, her auburn hair dangling over her shoulder. "So, Luc...seriously, what did Darren say about...our night?"
I blushed and rolled my eyes, as I remembered her asking me about a very private conversation I'd had with Darren after their "first" time. "Sammy...I'm not talking about that with you."
She leaned over her chair, smiling even wider. "Come on, you have to tell me, Luc. I know he talked to you about it; he talks to you about everything. So...what did he say?" A tiny frown drew down the corners of her mouth. "Was it bad? Did he not...like it?"
I gave her my best 'are you kidding' face. "He's a guy...of course he liked it."
Her corresponding grin was brilliant, and her eyes sparkled with merriment. "Ha! I knew he talked to you."
I sighed over getting trapped in her questioning, while she laughed and begged for details. I looked around the room with my eyes and then leaned forward; she leaned towards me as well. "You can't tell him I said anything, he'd kill me." She made a quick pledge with her fingers and I sighed, wondering how I'd gotten sucked up into girl gossip...again. "He said it was amazing...like, the best thing he'd ever experienced." Her eyes misted over as she bit her lip. I shrugged, getting a little uncomfortable. "He said he loved you even more." I cringed a bit as she looked about ready to squeal with girl delight. "Is that enough? Can we not talk about this again...ever?"
She grinned and nodded, then leaned forward further and kissed my forehead. "Thanks, Luc! God, you're the best!"