I cringed whenever I thought about what I'd almost done, what I would have done if Sawyer hadn't stopped me. I'd been so sure. I'd been absolutely positive that what I'd been about to do was the correct path for me. I'd had no real reservations about ending my life, and that knowledge gave me chills. The fact that Sawyer knew, and had gone through a decision as equally chilling as mine, bonded us in a way that surpassed the relatively short amount of time we'd known each other. It was as if our shared tragedies had fast forwarded us into a relationship that felt as if it had been going on our entire lives. She was my best friend. No one understood me like her and no one else probably ever would. And as our talks started ending with passionate kisses, I began to understand that she would be my friend and my lover. She would be my first...I was positive of that.
When my healing time of peace with Sawyer was over and the New Year came around, we went back to school. I was nervous the first day. I'd left sort of a mess behind from the night of the dance and I had no idea what to expect from people. But Sawyer clenched my hand, silently vowing to never leave my side, even when we had to be apart.
The first person we saw from that night was Randy. He was standing outside of the main building, kicking a clump of grass showing itself through a crack. I let out a long exhale when I saw him, but then straightened myself and made my body approach him. I'd suffered worse lately, I could handle this.
He looked up when he felt us standing in front of him. His eyes widened as they met mine and I fully realized at his surprise that it had been a long time since I'd willingly looked him squarely in the eye. In fact, it may have been the first time all year that I'd purposefully held someone's gaze. He started talking immediately.
"Hey, Luc, I'm so sorry about...the thing in Astronomy..." His voice trailed off and I made myself not cringe. The "thing" he referenced so simply, had made me look like an idiot and gotten me kicked out of school temporarily.
Deciding that none of that mattered, I tightened my hold on Sawyer's hand and let a soft smile reach my lips. "It's okay, Randy. I understand that you didn't know what you were really doing to me...and I forgive you." I clapped a hand on his shoulder and walked away. I exhaled a quick breath as I entered into the main building. Looking back, I saw Randy eyeing me through the door. He still looked really guilty, but he did have a slight smile on his lips. He nodded at me through the door and I turned my attentions back to Sawyer, who was beaming up at me.
"You did great." She rested her chin on my shoulder as she looked up at me. I smiled and leaned down to her, resting my head against hers.
"Because of you," I whispered.
She frowned and shook her head, not seeming to want to take credit for me opening up. I smiled and cut off her objection. "I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you, so I'm going to give you all the credit today."
She sighed and rolled her eyes and I leaned down farther to press my lips to hers. Her fingers reached up to brush my cheek as our lips moved softly, but intently together. I could feel the stares of kids in the hall, but I pushed it out. Sawyer was mine and for once, I wanted them all to know that. I wouldn't hold anything back from her again.
Our make out session was abruptly interrupted by a hand on my shoulder. I broke off from her to look up at Coach. I cringed, remembering the last time I'd seen him. "Get to class, lovebirds," he gruffly barked at us.
Sawyer blanched at his tone, but I was used to his rough demeanor. Looking down at my feet for a second before deciding to hold his steely gaze, I, as stoically as I could, said, "Coach...am I in trouble?" I had punched another student after all, and, deserving or not, there had to be some sort of repercussion for that.
Coach's lip curled wryly. "For kissing? No, I think I'll let that slide." He pointed a finger into my chest. "Just this once though."
My brows bunched and I cocked my head at him, while Sawyer beside me giggled nervously. "No...for punching Josh at the dance," I said slowly.
Coach gave me a pointed look and crossed his arms over my chest. "I don't know what you're talking about, Luc." I stammered and open and shut my mouth a few times. Coach sniffed and glanced up and down the hall. "It's like I told the principal, the fight was over by the time I got there." His eyes flicked back to mine. "I didn't see or hear anything...so how would I know who got punched?"
A stream of stupid disbelieving noises left my mouth after that. He didn't hear anything? I was one hundred percent positive that that wasn't the case. But then, the coach was fair, if hard. He'd probably heard Josh verbally lead me straight into that fight. Who knows, maybe he felt like Josh got what he deserved. I kind of did.
Coach put a hand on my shoulder, his face brightening. "Well, we can always talk about this later...when you show up for baseball practice in a few weeks." He clapped my shoulder and winked at me. I shook my head as I watched him walk away, one hundred percent positive that I'd be on the baseball team this spring.
As Sawyer and I walked up the stairs to class, I made myself pay attention to the people around us. One of the things Sawyer and I had talked about at length during break, was my habit of shutting down, of tuning out the world around me. She completely understood the desire, saying she'd done the same thing at her school, but it was warping my perception of people. I couldn't change the past, and I couldn't change what certain people believed of me, but as I opened my eyes and looked around, I saw that more people really did look at me with concern and curiosity than outright anger. It was sort of an eye opening experience for me.
I made myself give tight smiles and small nods to people I used to know very well. More often than not, I received a smile and nod in return. There were still whispers and gossip swirling as I walked down the hall, but what I noticed now, was that the talking didn't always stop when I walked by, and as I paid more attention, I could see that a lot of the conversations people were having...had nothing to do with me. I flushed a bit at how self absorbed I could be. But when you feel awful about yourself, it can seem like the entire world has their backs to you, whispering about you...condemning you. But how often is that really the case? Probably not as often as I'd believed. As I studied people in the halls, I started to understand that truth more and more. Mainly, I saw people going on about their own lives, wrapped up in their own drama, and most only registering me with a cursory glance.
That's not to say that everyone was talking about their own lives. A few heads were bent together in harsh whispers that stopped and turned into unblinking stares as I walked by. I even caught a few words in reference to my "revelation" - that I remembered the crash and had a version of those events that greatly differed from all the gossip. I was both relieved and pained to know that the truth was circulating amid the lies. I hoped the tide would start to shift now.
As we entered the classroom, I noticed the several sets of curious and thoughtful eyes. Those eyes took in my hand holding Sawyer's and I noticed a few smiles among the faces. I made myself meet every eye and smile back. That surprised quite a few of them and I started to wonder just how much I had shut down lately.
Ms. Reynolds gave us a warm greeting, her hand touching Sawyer's shoulder, her eyes studying mine. I gave her a genuine smile and a friendly nod. Sawyer's distant cousin had always been kind to me and I hadn't forgotten that. She spoke with us for a moment before class, asking how Sawyer's break went and how I'd been. I wasn't sure what she knew, but being family, I thought she probably knew a lot about what had really happened to me after I'd left the dance. I told her I was "better" and she gave me a warm smile in response.
Sawyer and I made our way to our seats, parting ways to go down our separate aisles. I stopped at Will's desk when I noticed his foot slip out to trip me. Inwardly I smiled - some things never change. I twisted to look him in the eye. He sat up straighter and gave me a defiant look in return. I let my inward smile show on my face. I'd dealt with much worse than tripping, it seemed near silly and childish to me now. A slight laugh escaping me, I pointed at his foot.
"Do you mind not tripping me anymore? It's kind of stupid...don't you think?"
A couple students seated near him laughed, Randy included. Will flushed and looked around, retracting his foot. "Whatever, Lucas," he glowered. Feeling magnanimous, I clapped his shoulder as I walked by. He seemed startled by that and turned to watch me walk back to Sawyer.
She was again beaming at me as I sat down. 'I love you,' she mouthed.
"I love you too," I said, loud enough for those around me to clearly hear. Her eyes looked around and her cheeks filled with a light, rosy color. It was beautiful on her. "Come here." I leaned over, lifting my lips to her, and she smiled and leaned over as well. Our mouths met in the middle of the aisle and we shared a brief kiss in the middle of class.
Sawyer, Randy, Will and I, got called into the principal's office halfway through first period. That actually caused more of a stir among the students than Sawyer and I kissing. I met eyes with a few faces as I left, and was a little surprised with the sympathy I saw there. We were brought into the principal's office one-by-one and made to tell our version of the fight. While I'd been hoping that the school would just let it slide, it appeared that they weren't going to. They just weren't sure what happened. As I was the last one of our group to enter, I began to understand why they were so confused.
As I sat in the straight backed chair, I listened to the stern older woman before me as she gave me the conflicting details. As it turned out, there was a lot of debate over who had actually thrown the punch. Half of the witnesses claimed Josh did it, while the other half, claimed I struck him. Sawyer stuck by my side, saying Josh was a bully and cornered me. Will stuck by Josh, saying I flipped out and started wailing on him, and Randy said he missed the first half, but tried to stop Josh from attacking me. The rest of the student body that had been interviewed, was mixed between the views.
There were so many questions over the matter, that the principal decided not to suspend either of us for the fight. She ended up giving Josh and me a week of detention each instead, and ordered me more counseling, as well as a round of sessions for Josh. I'd been planning on continuing anyway, but it made me happy that Josh had to go now too. Truly that was for the best. He obviously had issues with his brother's death, and would never be a better person if a professional didn't step in and help him. And I was positive Beth could help him. One small benefit over the dissolution of our friendship, I suppose.
Josh was entering the outer office as I was leaving it. Sawyer, having waited for me after her meeting, stood up and eyed us both nervously. I held Josh's eye and he held mine. Neither of us spoke and an odd tension built up in the waiting room. Finally, and surprisingly, Josh looked down and muttered, "Sorry".
My mouth dropped in shock until I understood. While Coach had let me go with only a few words the night of the dance, he had held Josh back and had a "conversation" with him. Knowing full well just how intense a conversation with Coach could be, I figured Josh had had the fear of God put in him, much more so than the principal, with an empty threat of suspension, ever could. Josh wouldn't mind getting a short vacation from campus for fighting, but getting ousted from the team next year - now that was enough to have him licking just about anyone's heels.