I hadn't been as relaxed and free speaking as I was being now, as I told her about my meeting with the principal and running into Josh throughout the day. No, even after pouring out my soul the day of the highway incident, it had been a struggle to force myself to talk to her. After shutting down for so long, opening up is a gradual, painful process. Maybe that's what she'd meant when she said it was necessary to see me every day. Maybe she knew, that if she didn't strike while the iron was hot, I'd start closing up again. I don't know. Like I'd told her once before, she was the one with all the diplomas, not me.
With a smile on my face, I told her about giving the picture I'd drawn of Sawyer to her, and her reaction to me portraying her as beautifully as I saw her.
She smiled with one edge of her lip as she twisted a pencil in her hands. "Sometimes, we don't see ourselves as clearly as others do." I looked up at her and nodded, knowing she wasn't necessarily talking about Sawyer anymore. She smiled more at seeing me agree with her statement. Awhile ago, I would have disagreed with her. "I'm glad you'll be coming to see me for a bit longer, Lucas."
I nodded and looked down. I'd told her about my punishment for fighting with Josh, the additional counseling I'd been given, part of the school's new policy to try and rehabilitate students, instead of just outright punishing them. As I thought about how much being here had helped me, I thought maybe the school was on to something. I started to have a little hope for Josh. I hoped he'd open up to Beth easier than I had.
She continued as I thought about that. "Honestly, Lucas, I wish I had seen you earlier...the first day of school, if not immediately after the tragedy."
I looked up at her again, shifting my thoughts back to that horrid time. Mom had tried on a few occasions to get me to a counselor, but she may as well have stuck me in an empty room, for all the good it had done me. I just hadn't been ready to talk to anyone. "I don't like talking about...stuff...to anyone."
She nodded her head, tapping her pencil on her desk a couple times. "I've noticed that." I chuckled at that and smiled softly. She shook her head. "But you're doing so much better. You've come a long way in opening up, Lucas. That's very hard to do, especially to a complete stranger. You should be very proud of yourself."
Feeling embarrassed, I hung my head and shrugged. Thinking about that, I wondered if she was proud of me for trying to escape life, by living in a fantasy. I can't imagine she'd say that was healthy...or normal. I cringed, but asked her anyway. "Is what I did, creating a dream world with my friends, crazy?" Feeling pale, I asked, "Am I nuts?" I peeked up at her, cringing.
She looked at me for a moment, tapping her pencil against her lip before answering. "Just you asking that, shows that you're not crazy." I found myself relaxing infinitesimally and it surprised me. I hadn't realized I'd tensed waiting for her answer. I guess some part of me, really had been worried that she'd confirm what I was secretly afraid of.
She smiled as she watched me sit back in my chair. "Lucas, you've been through something that most people can't even contemplate, or even want to." She shook her head and I watched the red curls swish over her shoulders, blankly letting her words enter my head. "I think your mind dealt with it, in the only way it could. It may not have been the healthiest option...but I'd say you're doing pretty well, considering."
I allowed myself a wry smile at that. "Considering, I almost tried to kill myself, to join my dream friends?" I was a little surprised at how casually I could talk about the biggest (well, second biggest) tragic event of my life. That was just a testament to how comfortable I'd become around Beth.
She smiled wryly in return. "But you didn't and you asked for help. You asked for my help." She cocked her head to the side. "That's pretty huge, compared to how you were when you moodily slumped into my chair a few weeks ago. Don't you think?"
Her words echoed my earlier thoughts regarding my time spent here and I smiled at hearing our minds run in parallel. A soft laugh escaped me as I stared at my hands on my lap, remembering my moody first day. "Maybe..."
She sighed softly and I glanced up at her from the corner of my eye. "I can't imagine exactly what you've gone through, Lucas, but I can imagine your pain."
I lifted my head, another wry smile twisting my lips. "You can imagine the pain of murdering all of your friends?" I instantly regretted saying it, both because of how callus it sounded, and because a slice of pain went right through me at saying it. Things were better, but I wasn't like I was magically healed and the death of my friends didn't ever bother me anymore. It did. Healing doesn't happen overnight. It's painfully slow, and my friend's absence still shook me to my core on occasion. I hung my head again.
Beth took in my changed expression and placed a few fingers on my shoulder. I looked up and could tell tears were in my eyes. I blinked them away, not wanting to cry today. "You didn't murder them, Lucas. In your heart, you know that. It was an accident...a tragic accident."
I cocked my head as I watched her face twist with sympathy for me. Feeling warm and safe in her spa-like oasis, I said something that I'd have never uttered just a few weeks ago. "I don't think it was an accident."
She blinked and scrunched her forehead. I was one hundred percent sure she believed me, when I said I'd been sober, and rain and speed had been my downfall that night. She also knew I was well aware of what caused the crash, so I could almost see her mind trying to grasp what I meant by my statement. "Of course it was, Lucas. What else would it be?"
I looked down, not able to meet her eyes anymore. "It was carelessness, recklessness. It was me thinking that we were invincible and not...slowing down, to think about just how precious what I had been carrying was..." I peeked up at her, those tears in my eyes again. "It was me being stupid."
Her fingers clenched my shoulder sympathetically before pulling away. A soft, sad smile played across her lips. "Sort of the definition of 'accident', don't you think?"
I swallowed, shaking my head. "No...it feels...more like fate." I swallowed, not sure if she'd understand that. I wasn't sure if I did either, it was just an overriding sense in me sometimes, like, no matter what I'd done differently that night...I'd still be here, in this office, mourning.
She cocked her head, confused again. "You think you fated your friends to die?"
It sounded so silly when she said it like that, that I sighed and hung my head. "I don't know." I shrugged. "But, they are dead because of me."
Silence filled the room. Well, not exactly silence as she had some soothing, light jazz playing in the background, but Beth didn't respond to what I'd said. I let the silence between us stretch on for as long as I could stand, then I glanced up at her. She was watching me, a thoughtful expression on her freckled face. Finally, in a low voice, she spoke. "You can't accept forgiveness from others, until you accept it from yourself, Lucas."
I swallowed back the ache that line gave me. It hit so close to home. Trying to shrug off the pain of self-hatred that always lingered around the edges of my being, I gave her a weak, wry smile. "That sounds straight out of a textbook."
She didn't give me the smile I expected in return. Instead, her look remained completely serious as she studied my expression. I could feel my eyes water again under that gaze, and I stopped trying to halt the feeling that I was having. I let my eyes completely water and let the tears drop to my cheeks. Her face still showing no humor, her pale eyes watching my tears fall, she calmly said, "It's written in a textbook for a reason."
I could only nod as I silently cried. I suppose it was. I knew I had to let this go, this feeling of loathing I had for myself. I knew I needed to come to some sort of peaceful arrangement, if I ever wanted to move forward, and I knew my friends and Lillian would have wanted that for me. I knew Sawyer and my mom wanted that for me. And a tiny, tiny speck of me, wanted that for me.
Finally, Beth's face relaxed and she sighed softly, bringing her hand back to my shoulder. "We'll get you there, Luc. I promise."
Chapter 23
You Never Forget...Your First Time
"Getting there" took longer than I'd ever imagined it could. But I had as much help as one person could possibly ask for. Beth met with me daily, even after my ordered sessions were finished. I decided to forgo rejoining the purity club to continue meeting with her. I found our sessions infinitely helpful, and figured Sawyer and I saw enough of each other, that I could probably last the rest of the year without being in the club with her.
That wasn't to say I didn't participate in anything. Sawyer and Ms. Reynolds talked to Sally, and convinced her to let me join social events for the club. I wasn't sure if now that the school knew my story, it was suddenly socially acceptable for me to be a prim and proper 'Safe and Sound Club' member, or if Sally just trusted me with Sawyer now, but after a brief talk with the principal, she had readily agreed to letting me come to games and dances and even a couple choir concerts (I loved having the excuse to hear Sawyer sing and she was wonderful at it), all to spread the joy of living life substance free.
As I got over the lunacy of one club trying to change teenage behavior, I started to see that the club was actually helping some people. As it grew in size, the club started putting on their own events - dances and fundraisers and bowling nights - all in an attempt to show kids how to have fun in a "clean" way. As Sawyer and I went to these events, I started to see people truly begin to come to life. Just like me, some of them had been hiding themselves away, maybe with drugs or alcohol or promiscuity, instead of self-imposed isolation, but as they let that part of their life go, they blossomed in a way that was inspiring to watch. It sort of made me proud to be a pseudo-member of such a life altering group.
As winter started shifting into spring, the climate toward me had pretty much thawed as well. A few a**holes still chose to badmouth me, and Brittany still tried (in almost comical ways) to drive a wedge between Sawyer and I (which, at this point was such an impossibility, that all her lame attempts at gossip mongering succeeded in doing, was giving Sawyer and me something to giggle about during lunch), but the majority of the student body was open to the idea of taking me back, now that I was open to the idea of letting them.
Following the advice of Sawyer and Beth, I kept myself emotionally available to people; allowing them in, allowing them to talk to me and talking in return. Most of them only needed to hear my story once, and then were content to let my past die and accept who I was now. Most people had just been confused by the swirl of rumors and my abject silence. They hadn't understood, and had been afraid to ask.
Eventually, I formed a small circle of peers, friends even. Randy and Sally started becoming close in my life, hanging out with Sawyer and I often. Randy even tried out for baseball with me, and we both made the team. I hadn't been too surprised about that. Eventually that team started feeling like a second family to me, the same as football had been just a year ago, and I started being more involved in my teammates' lives. It wasn't the same as the tight group I'd had before, but it was enough to start bringing me back to life.