I swallowed. Yes, I’d prepared for this reaction, but it still made me feel like a shitty daughter.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left. I’m sorry about everything.”
She almost seemed shocked at my willingness to apologize. I usually put up more of a fight.
“Katiebug!” Kayla came up from downstairs, her hand in Adam’s. She rushed to hug me. “I knew you’d come back,” she whispered in my ear. I wasn’t going to tell her that it was because I had no place to go, and not just because I wanted to make things right.
I hugged her back and said hi to Adam.
“Where’s Dad?”
“He wasn’t feeling that great, so I sent him to lie down,” Mom said, folding the blanket covered in a leaf pattern over her arm and then putting it in the Thanksgiving decoration tub.
“Hey, you want to go to the movies or something? I was thinking about showing Adam our awesome town. He’s a city boy,” Kayla said.
“Guilty,” he said, raising his hand. “I don’t trust any place that doesn’t have public transportation.”
“You are so weird,” Kayla said.
“Hey, you want to marry me. I’d say that makes you the weird one.”
She beamed at him. “True.”
“That sounds great,” I said to interrupt their couple’s banter. Mom just watched with a smile on her face. “I’m going to put my stuff in my room.”
I threw my purse back on my bed and saw that my trash can was empty of all the pictures that had filled it the day before. My bare walls were still a shock. I was going to have to do something about that. After changing my clothes, I tiptoed down the stairs to my parents’ bedroom. Dad was watching golf and still had his PJs on.
“Hey, Dad.” He smiled and turned the television off.
“You make up with your mother?” Geez, don’t beat around the bush much.
“Sort of.” He moved over and I sat next to him on the bed. “How are you feeling?”
“It’s nothing.”
“It must be something if you got out of helping Mom dismantle the Thanksgiving decorations.”
“Shhhh,” he said, winking. “I may be laying it on a bit thick. Nothing to worry about, Katiebug. I probably got something from one of the kids.”
“Probably.”
“What’s this?” He pointed to the fading drawing Stryker had made on my hand. I’d thought about scrubbing it off when I was in his bathroom this morning, but couldn’t bring myself to do it.
“Just a doodle. Got bored.”
“But this is your right hand.” He pulled my hand closer so he could get a better look.
“It’s nothing.” I took my arm back and tried to pull my sleeve down to cover it as I searched for a way to deflect his attention. “So what do you think of Adam?”
“He seems like a very nice guy, but I’m not sure how I feel about your sister getting engaged to him so quick. Even if he did ask my permission after the fact.”
“He did?”
Dad nodded.
“This morning. Said he wished he could have done it sooner, but he didn’t think he could do it before I’d really had a chance to meet him.”
“Wow.”
He moved over some more and held his arm out so I could cuddle against him like I did when I was younger. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d done that. His hand went to my hair, pulling it through his fingers.
“You’ve grown up so fast, Katiebug. All I did was blink and here you are, a young woman. How did that happen?”
“Well, those growth hormones you fed me probably had something to do with it.”
“Yeah, probably.” He kissed my forehead and I snuggled closer. He smelled like Old Spice and a little bit of sweat and furniture polish.
“Dad?”
“Mmhm?”
“Do you think I’m a good person? And don’t give me a dad answer.”
He moved so he could look at my face.
“Why would you even ask a question like that?”
“Because of all the stupid things I’ve done. I loved this awful guy who beat me up and I didn’t even want to press charges against him. I’ve made so many mistakes with guys and fighting with mom and school and everything.”
“I want you to listen to me,” he said, sitting up. “You did not ask for what happened to you. You are not responsible for Zack and his sick mind. To even blame yourself for one single second is wrong. Everyone makes mistakes, Katiebug, but we learn from them. We move on. That’s the key. It’s not that you made the mistake in the first place, but what you do with the result. You are a smart, strong, beautiful young woman and I am proud that you are my daughter. If you believe anything, believe that.”
It was a total dad answer, but that was what I expected. My dad seemed to see the best in me and my mom saw that I wasn’t what she wanted me to be.
“Thanks, Dad,” I said, hugging him tight. “I love you.”
“Love you too, Katiebug.”
He waited until I left before turning the television back on.
***
Kayla was supposed to go back with Adam, but she ended up staying for the rest of my break. She said it was because she wanted to show Adam everything, and have home-cooked food, but I knew she was trying to be a buffer between Mom and me. For the next couple of days I tried my best not to get under Mom’s skin. I helped out around the house more than I would have, and volunteered to get groceries.
I was constantly checking my phone for any message from Stryker. I was curious about the effect of my little note on him. I’d been about to leave him one on paper, but he was sacked out on the couch and his chest was exposed, so I figured it was only fitting that I draw it on him as payback for the times he’d drawn stuff on me. He almost woke up a bunch of times, but I was able to complete it. Somehow.
I had a long chat with Lottie one night when Kayla and Adam had gone out, and I didn’t feel like being the third wheel again. Dad was still under the weather, so Mom was busy nursing him and I was holed up in my room.
“Still haven’t heard from him?” she said.
“Nope.” I’d filled her in on the note, and she thought it was hilarious.
“Well, he’s alive, according to Trish. She’s talked with him a few times.”
“Has he…has he said anything?”
I could hear Trish’s voice in the background answering.
“Nada. He’s being like a clam with a pearl. The penis effect and all that.”
I sighed. “Got it.” I hadn’t expected anything less. When Stryker didn’t want to talk about something, there was little you could do to get him to open up. That was fine with me.
“So, you ready to get back to normal?”
“If by normal you mean losing Law and Order bets and eating our weight in ice cream, then yes, I am ready for that.” So freaking ready.
I could almost hear her rolling her eyes. “At least your mother hasn’t grilled you about your boyfriend’s favorite books and then made conclusions about him based on those books.”
At least her mother hadn’t made her boyfriend so uncomfortable that he stormed out. Not that Stryker was my boyfriend.
“True. Hey, I’ll see you tomorrow, okay? Bye, roomie.” Will and Trish must have been playing a game because I could hear both of them yelling in the background.
“I’m coming, I’m coming,” Lottie shouted at them. “Sorry, I have to go help judge which is more sympathetic, pirates or volcanoes. I swear, these two are going to kill each other over a game of Apples to Apples. Bye, roomie.”
She hung up and I was left in silence in my empty room. I twirled my phone in my hand, restless.
My bare walls were really pissing me off for some odd reason. I looked around and found a cup full of markers. I grabbed a pink one and stared at the wall right across from my bed. Mom was going to have a coronary if I drew on my walls.
I made one little dot. Ha.
Then I made another, and another. I connected them with a swirly line and kept going, making more lines and more swirls. It was very similar to the design Stryker had drawn on my hand. I added some circles in between, moving the drawing from one side of the wall to the other, and then down to the floor. Once the design was done, I felt like it needed something. I turned on my iPod and looked for some of the music Stryker had given me, searching for one song in particular. “Endlessly”, by Green River Ordinance. It was softer than most of the stuff Stryker listened to, which was why I thought it was so odd when he gave it to me.
Slowly, I wrote random words on the wall. “Love” and “Happiness” and “Beauty” and “Fun” and “Surprises” and “Music” and “Laughter” and “Magic”. I just wrote what came to mind, and it wasn’t until I’d written “Love” over and over that I realized these were all the things I wanted out of life. My wall had become some twisted version of a vision board. I’d thought those things were totally stupid, but somehow seeing the words written out like that made sense.
“Oh my God. Mom is going to murder you.” I paused in the act of finishing a letter and looked over my shoulder to find Kayla gaping at me and my newly-decorated wall.
“Yeah, well, wouldn’t be the first time.” I wrote “Love” again and glanced back at Kayla. “Where’s Adam?”
“Just making some coffee. You want some?”
“Sure.”
“We were going to watch a movie if you want to join us.” She hovered in the doorway.
“Sure.” I capped the marker. One wall was enough for tonight. I took out my phone and snapped a picture of it, just in case.
Chapter Fourteen
Stryker
I almost called her or texted her so many times I lost count. But I didn’t know what to say after I’d given her the cold shoulder. If I called her and she came over and we had sex, we’d be back to square one, only I couldn’t go back to that place. The place where I didn’t care so f**king much. Really, though, I’d never been there. That first night when I saw her, I’d cared. When I’d seen her eyes scared and wide, I’d felt something that was stronger than just a guy wanting to help a girl out of a bad situation. Even then, I’d felt it. I’d never had a chance, really.
I spent the days without her eating leftovers and learning new songs and working as many hours in the frigid temperatures as I could on rebuilding a few engines. I skipped out on Band, much to the anger of everyone. It was Allan’s turn to host, and he was the most upset. I pretended I had food poisoning, but I was sure none of them bought it. Trish called me to basically tell me to get my head out of my ass, which was less than helpful.
The night before classes started back up, there was a knock at my door. My heart did a funny little lurch and I told myself over and over as I walked down the stairs it wouldn’t be Katie.
It wasn’t.
Allan leaned on my porch, holding a bottle of scotch and two cups.
“Figured you could use it,” he said with a lopsided grin.