I want to say who are you? Neil’s been taken over by business demons. It’s like he didn’t hear my cry for help. “No, you don’t understand. Bryan doesn’t want to help me, he wants to destroy me! He thinks I used him. Neil, he’s blackmailing me. If I don’t show up in his room at midnight, he’s going to torch this whole thing. It’s not a matter of exposing things, he wants to hurt me.”
A knot forms in my throat and I can no longer swallow. If Bryan does that, I lose everything. He could easily destroy any business relationships that are starting to grow. There’ll be no hope of getting my Dad’s house back, no hope of pulling out of the downward death spiral my finances are in, no hope of anything. A shiver rakes across my skin and I’m close to tears. I wish to God that Neil would take me in his arms and tell me that everything will be okay, that we can fix this.
Instead, Neil stands there, a step away from me with his thumb rubbing his lip. There’s a glazed over look on his face, as if his mind is a million miles away. When he finally looks up at me, I feel relieved. I recognize the confidence in his eyes. “So, we do what’s best for us.”
Neil smiles at me and for a second, I think he’s figured out a way through this, and that everything will be okay. “Listen, I don’t like it Hallie, but you’ve already slept with the guy, so what’s one more night? What difference does it make?” I nearly choke, but he holds up his hand and gives me his shrink face. “Now, wait a second. Let’s think about this rationally for a moment. That’s why you’re bent out of shape. There’s a clear answer here, but you don’t see it.” He smiles and presses his fingers to his chest. “That’s why you need me. It’s okay, Hallie,” he puts his arm over my shoulder and starts to walk. “Drink that and listen.”
I drain the glass quickly as Neil rationally and emotionlessly tells me what I need to do. “If you say no, you stand to lose everything. If you go and do what he wants, then nothing changes. Don’t get me wrong, Hallie. I don’t like this, but let’s face facts. You’ve already slept with the guy. It’s not like he hasn’t had you before, so this shouldn’t compromise your morality, especially since I think it’s the rational thing to do.”
My chest feels hollow, like someone carved it out and my heart died. I live day to day, hardly feeling anything anymore. The numbness has swallowed me whole for the most part, and the only way that I know I still have the ability to feel is because of times like this. Neil should be outraged. He should want to go and punch Ferro in the face, but instead, he’s rationalizing about how it’s easier for us—like he’s the one who has to do it—to just sleep with Bryan.
My eyes are glued to the carpet. When I look up, they’re glossy and my lips are pulled into a thin line. “So, you’d pass me around to my ex-lovers? That’s nice to know. What happens when more of them show up? Should we just make an orgy sign up list?” I’m mad, so insanely mad that I could rip his face off.
“Hallie, please. It’s not like that at all and none of your other lovers were Ferros, were they? So don’t be silly. They don’t have the power to crush you, but this one does. This time is different and you know it. The easiest way to deal with it is to give him what he wants, and not make a big deal out of it. After all, logic is what sets us above the animals, our ability to rationalize and think through the ramifications. Can you look me in the eye and tell me that you want him meddling with your life?”
“I don’t want you meddling with my life, either.”
“Now, Hallie. Tell me the truth—you had to be thinking the same thing? It’s easier for you to revisit your past for a night and put it behind you. Unless you want Bryan Ferro showing up on a daily basis and ruining everything?”
Neil’s talking to me like I’m a child and can’t think this through, but I can. It amazes me that he’s so cold about it. If he ended up sleeping with one of his exes I wouldn’t let it slide, because he’s mine now. And that’s what’s making my jaw tighten—he should be possessive and not want to share, but somehow he’s rationalized that sleeping with Bryan once is all right.
When I fail to answer, he leans in closer and says, “I didn’t think so. So end it. Go up there, do what he says, and walk out. If that doesn’t put you at ease, record the whole thing so if he tries to throw it back in your face, you can nail him for blackmail. That would actually be good press, Hallie.” He stares into space and smiles.
When I manage to unlock my jaw, I’m fuming. “I didn’t know you were so shallow.”
“I’m shallow? Me?” He rounds on me with hysteria in his eyes. “You wrote the biggest piece of literary trash to grace the world this century, and they reward you with more money than I could earn in a lifetime. Earn, Hallie, from hard work and perseverance.”
He drops his voice to a whisper and he leans in so we’re nose to nose. “If I knew you actually did the things in your story, I would have never gone out with you, but those days are far behind us. People can change and you have. I forgive you for Bryan Ferro and all the animalistic actions of your past, even though the idea disgusts me, make no mistake of that. Therefore, if it takes one more night of degrading yourself, I fail to see your complaint, because you’ve already lowered yourself to that level on more than one occasion, so don’t talk to me about being shallow, Hallie. I don’t want to hear another word about Bryan Ferro after tonight. Go to his room, do what he wants, and record it. If he brings it up again, he’ll get slapped with a legal suit that will make him sorry he ever met you.”
Neil grabs a drink off a passing tray and walks away, leaving me standing in the corner of the room alone. Turmoil snakes through me, spinning and clutching, making my head throb. So, it turns out that I have no idea who Neil is, even after all this time. Apparently, I’m worth a specific amount of cash and the offers that Cecily has been talking about caught his attention. Add in the fact that Neil knows that I won’t let him go, not after losing my father, and he can say whatever he wants. I expected him to soothe me, to stand up for me, but he didn’t. Instead, he made it clear that he thinks my talent is an abomination and that my relationship with Bryan was even worse.
Bryan. When I think of his name I nearly shatter the empty glass in my hand. A single pop catches my ear and I look down at my hand just in time to see a white line run through the side of the crystal. Forcing my grip free, I place it on a tray, and grab another. I’m going to have to be very drunk to face Bryan, and even more so to face Neil again, afterward.
CHAPTER 10
The rest of the evening is a blur. Cecily introduces me to more people. Neil and I smile like nothing is wrong, like this night will end the same as all the others. At ten minutes to midnight, Neil shoves another drink in my hand and walks me to the elevator. My heart races as fear pummels me. I tried to get drunk, but the best I could manage was tipsy.
Neil waits next to me, reminding me, “Make sure you stay in front of the camera. Is your battery charged enough to record the whole thing?” His callousness is notable and he sounds more excited about nailing Bryan later than he should be. There isn’t a hint of jealousy, which pisses me off.
“Yes.” I don’t want to talk about it. I’ve never recorded myself hav**g s*x before and if I ever did it, I would’ve wanted it to be with someone I loved, not for the purpose of manipulating some guy later.
“Hey, don’t be like that.” Neil turns me toward him and kisses my cheek. Looking me in the eye, he offers, “You’re doing this for a good reason. You’ll be untouchable and he won’t be able to pull this crap again, Hallie.” Neil traces my jaw with his finger.
“I didn’t think you’d share me. Next time I find a boyfriend, I’m going to make them fill out a f**king questionnaire. I learned my lesson. Twice.” I flick up one finger for each word. “Blackmail. Sharing.”
I can’t talk about it, so I don’t. Disappointment is the wrong word. It doesn’t convey the depth of the pain these two men have caused me, and the fact that I’m a mess and barely surviving day to day life when they’ve struck isn’t lost on me. I guess I really am alone. The only person I can depend on is me, which means I need to make sure Bryan Ferro shuts the hell up and isn’t set on ruining my life.
The chime catches my ear before the golden doors open. I step inside and press Bryan’s floor. Neil starts to follow but I hold up my hand. “This is weird enough as it is. You’re not riding up with me. I’ll meet you at home.” If I even go home after this. How am I supposed to face him? I feel so goddamn torn. Neil’s been a good friend, but I can’t explain his actions tonight. It’s like he’s all logic and no heart.
I’m all heart, which is why I feel like I’m dying inside.
The doors close and I slump back against the railing and look at the champagne in my hand. I didn’t drink enough, and I don’t want it. I’m not the kind of girl who gets wasted when things get hard. I’d rather have my mind fully intact to take the hits thrown at me.
When I get to Bryan’s floor, the elevator stops and I walk out. There’s a little table in front of me, so I set down my stemware and continue down the hall. My heart beats harder, faster. I wonder if he knows that I’m coming. I lock my jaw, because there are so many things that I want to say. They’re burning inside of me and I know, given the chance, I’d love to spray Bryan with my venom. He was a bright spot in the darkness, a fond memory that I clung to when I couldn’t hold myself up. It shouldn’t be offensive, it’s flattering.
But I’m not Bryan and I have no idea what he’s thinking.
As I walk up to his door, nerves dance through my veins and my stomach clenches. I could run away. I could dart down the hall and be gone before he knew I was here. I don’t have to do this. But I admit, that part of me wants to be here and it’s not for the sex. It’s for the chance to repay Bryan Ferro the kindness that he’s shown to me, and grab the opportunity to destroy him. That’s what this comes down to and the person who’s weaker will lose. I’m not losing this time. It’s my life. Fuck Neil and f**k Ferro. Both relationships were decimated, as far as I’m concerned. It’s time to take fate into my hands and bend that bitch to do exactly what I say.
CHAPTER 11
My ribs expand as I inhale slowly, steadily. I want to be here. I want this. I do. I pump myself up, chanting the same lies over and over again to give me enough nerve to do what I need to do. Reaching into my purse, I flip my phone to life and press record. I’ll figure out the rest as we go, but at least I’ll nail him with audio. The first thing Bryan Ferro will do is gloat. Wait and see. When he swings this door open, he’ll lord it over me that I screwed up and he caught me. Screw that. I’ll nail his ass to the wall by the time this whole messed up thing is over.