But I would always know.
That would always be whispered inside my head. Back and forth until it both felt like I had no worth and that was all the worth that I had.
And other than this hot lust, Fin and I had nothing to keep us together. When it was over, I alone would be left with the consequences.
“We can’t,” I whispered so light I barely heard myself. His shoulders tensed with just the hint that he heard but he kept kissing me, back up my stomach, over my other nipple, and back to my jaw. “Fin,” I whispered louder. “We can’t.”
He sighed as if he were afraid this would happen. “You’re right,” he admitted and I was surprised at how easy he was ready to admit that. “I’m a selfish prick for doing this to you in public. We’ll go back to my place.”
He sat back on his knees, a satisfied, promising smirk lighting up his face. He reached out to me and pulled me up to sitting.
My resolve faltered again. His eyes promised wicked, delicious things but at the same time he was reassuring and protective. He would take care of me. He would make this special.
“Ugh, no.” I sounded exasperated and I was. “We can’t do this ever. Fin, you can’t let me out of this bet like this. You can’t let me pay of seven thousand dollars by taking me back to your place.”
“Ellie-“ he stopped short and my meaning sunk in. “Ellie, that’s not what I was doing.”
“It kind of is,” I argued weakly. I was so embarrassed, so ashamed. My skin flamed red, and I was finding it hard to look in his eyes.
“No, it’s not,” he growled, obviously upset. “I would never treat you like that. Never.”
“I know you wouldn’t intentionally treat me like that, but you know nothing can happen between us that replaces the debt. It, I, I just can’t demean myself like that.” My voice was trembling with emotion. This was so embarrassing.
“So being with me is demeaning?” he cocked his head back, shocked by my confession.
“Being with you when I’m basically charging seven thousand dollars for a good time is demeaning, Fin.” I snapped. Suddenly I was horribly self-conscious in just my sports bra. I glanced over to the starting line where I left my shirt it in a pile; it was half the track away.
“Ellie! Come on!” He groaned. “You cannot think so little of me. I have never once thought of you like that, of our situation like that.”
I scrambled off the mat and started my hurried walk of shame around the track. Fin was fast behind me, reaching out for my hand and spinning me around to face him.
I was so angry all of a sudden, so furious. He was pushing me when I had so much more than him on the line. And the stupid thing was that I believed he never thought of me like that but only because he never thought this through. He was just acting on impulse, on some badly timed attraction.
“Fin, I believe you. But that money is important to you. You need that money. You’ve told me so yourself. So what happens after tonight, or next week or the deadline for your down payment comes and goes and it’s my fault you don’t have the money?” I yanked my hand away from him, ignoring the pained look on his face. What was more was that this whole thing was so stupid since it wasn’t even my debt to begin with! “You’re willing to forget about it right now because of, because of…. that.” I waved awkwardly in the direction of his lower half. “But when it goes away so will your respect for me. So will my respect for me.”
Fin stood staring me down, breathing heavily and seemingly at a loss. His face was pained and his shoulders were stiff again. “Goddamn it, Ellie,” he finally spat and then ran two hands through his hair. “It’s for my brother.”
Silence hung heavy between us as I tried to make sense of that.
“Your brother?” I finally asked.
“He has,” he seemed to struggle for the right words and then finally said, “He has cerebral palsy. He’s severely handicapped. And it’s been left up to me to care for him. I’m trying to get him into this really nice facility and they require a fifty thousand dollar down payment. I’ve been saving up for a while and I’ve done my best, but I’m seven thousand dollars short. And even with all the scheduled games coming up and the big game in a week. I’m going to be short.”
“Why is there a time limit on the down payment?” I asked, feeling like the wind just got knocked out of me.
“It’s an extremely difficult facility to get into. There is a huge waiting list and it’s only available to the patients that are the worst off. An opening became available suddenly and the only reason Declan was offered it was because we have an inside connection. But if I can’t deliver the down payment then the spot will go to someone else.”
He ran another hand through his hair and looked down at the ground. His jaw was ticking constantly and the tension was rolling off him. He looked so vulnerable right now I had the strongest urge to wrap my arms around him and kiss his temple.
He looked up and our eyes met. He must have seen something in mine, nerves, fear or sympathy, even I wasn’t sure what he saw. But he softened just a little and then seemed to realize we were both standing in the middle of the dark track without shirts on.
“Come on, you’re probably freezing,” he held out his hand to me and I took it.
I could have resisted, but not when he needed me. And this time, he definitely needed me but not for the same reasons five minutes ago.
“Declan? That’s your brother’s name?” I asked quietly. “Is he older or younger than you?”
“He’s younger. He’s only nineteen,” Fin answered softly. I knew instinctively that he didn’t talk about his brother much, maybe at all. And not because he was embarrassed of him, I could feel his pride and strong love. Fin was the kind of guy that wouldn’t talk about him because he felt like he needed to protect him. I was privileged to have this conversation with him; I knew that in the core of my being.
When we reached my shirt, Fin waited for me to pull it on and then we walked over to the bleachers while he put his shirt on.
“Fin, why does the down payment fall to you? Where are your parents?” I asked, realizing I knew nothing about him. Other than he was fast, ran an illegal ring of internet gambling and was hot.
Wow. I had never felt shallower in my life.
He cleared his throat and then sat down hard on the bench. He looked up at me with huge, dark eyes and I was lost again. Lost in his gaze, lost in his presence, lost to him. I didn’t know what else to do but sit down and lean into him.
“My mom left us shortly after Declan was born. It was too hard on her, having a special needs baby and trying to take care of a toddler all the time. My dad was in the army, so he traveled all the time and we moved every couple of years. She was alone a lot. She couldn’t deal, so she left. I haven’t seen her in, in a long time. My dad did the best he could, but he couldn’t raise us and keep his career, so he sent us here to live with his mom, my grandma. She raised us for most of our lives.”
“Where’s your dad now?” I asked on a broken whisper. My heart hurt for this little Fin that was abandoned by two parents and left to raise and take care of his brother who needed so much help. A tear slid down my cheek before I could even register it was falling.
“He died three years ago in Afghanistan.”
I sucked in a sharp breath and just let the other tears fall. I couldn’t stop them; my heart was breaking for Fin.
“Ellie,” he cleared his throat, his voice growing even more serious, “I don’t share all this with everyone because…. it’s not that I’m embarrassed. I’m not. It’s just that it’s hard for people to understand, it’s hard for them to treat it how it should be treated.”
Not knowing if that was a warning or a plea for help, I slipped my hand through the crook of his elbow and rested my head against his shoulder. He didn’t shove me off or try to get away from me so I hoped what I was doing was Ok.
“And now my Grandma can’t take care of Declan anymore. Hell, she needs someone to take care of her. But Declan’s big for her, and his seizures are getting worse and he’s not able to eat like he should. We’ve always had help come during the day, but now my Grandma needs help at night too. This facility is our best opportunity until I can get out of school and start supporting him.” Fin’s voice was firm and authoritative. I finally understood why he sounded so in command all those times before, he had lived his whole childhood being a grown up.
“How much longer till you’re done?” I asked.
“In May I graduate with my undergrad, so that leaves only…. eight more years to go.” He shot me a sheepish smile and rocked against my shoulder.
“Holy hell! Eight years? What are you majoring in?” I was shocked. A total of twelve years was just as long as Britte was in for.
“Radiology. I’m going to be a radiologist. Or at least, that’s the plan. I’m still waiting to hear back from my top choices for med schools.” When I gaped at him, he continued, “I have to do something that will support Declan and me. My dad had life insurance but it’s been mostly used up to pay for Declan’s home medical help. I should be able to cover his monthly rent easily enough but the down payment is killing me. My Grandma can’t help much and she won’t be around forever. And my mom is worthless. I’m all he has. I have to plan for the future.”
“Do you want to be a radiologist?” I asked like he had a choice in the matter, like Fin would be doing something he didn’t want to.
“Sure, but most of all I want to take care of Declan. That’s all I really care about,” he finished firmly. “That’s all I’ve ever really cared about.”
“You’re a good man,” I whispered but I knew he heard me when he tensed next to me. “I’m sorry I accused you of turning me into a hooker. That wasn’t fair.”
He snorted a laugh. “I get your argument though. I’ll stop trying to seduce you.”
“Thank you,” I laughed back. “You almost succeeded.”
“Did I?” He swiveled to face me, his eyes heated with that same intensity.
“Well, your kissing could use some work, but your hands seemed to know exactly what they were doing.”
“Ellie,” he groaned like he was actually in pain. “I’ve never met anyone like you before. And I have no idea what to do with you.”
“I’ll tell you what to do,” I said sincerely. “Tell me you’ll see me Thursday and give me a hug so that I know you’re alright.”
Fin stood up with me and pulled me against his chest. His body was hot against my cooled skin and I adored being wrapped in his warmth. I nuzzled against his chest and he let out a contented sigh. When he let me go, he reached for my hand again and walked us to our cars.
“I’ll see you Thursday,” he said obediently. “But we’re going to figure this out.”