27
Katie got her driver’s license in the second week of July. In the days leading up to her test, Alex had taken herdriving regularly, and despite some pretest jitters, she’d passed with a nearly perfect score. The license arrived inthe mail within a few days and when Katie opened the envelope, she felt almost dizzy. There was a photograph ofher next to a name she’d never imagined having, but according to the state of North Carolina, she was as real asany other resident of the state.
That night, Alex took her to dinner in Wilmington. Afterward, they’d walked the downtown streets holding handsand browsing the shops. Every now and then, she saw Alex regarding her with amusement.
“What?” she finally demanded.
“I was just thinking that you don’t look like an Erin. You look like a Katie.”
“I should look like a Katie,” she said. “That’s my name and I’ve got a driver’s license to prove it.”
“I know you do,” he said. “Now all you need is a car.”
“Why do I need a car?” She shrugged. “It’s a small town and I’ve got a bike. And when it’s raining, there’s thisguy who’s willing to drive me anywhere I need to go. It’s almost like having a chauffeur.”
“Really?”
“Uh-huh. And I’m pretty sure that if I asked, he’d even let me borrow his car. I have him wrapped around mylittle finger.”
Alex cocked an eyebrow. “He doesn’t sound like much of a man.”
“He’s all right,” she teased. “He seemed a little desperate in the beginning, what with all the freebies he gaveme, but I eventually got used to it.”
“You have a heart of gold.”
“Obviously,” she said. “I’m pretty much one in a million.”
He laughed. “I’m beginning to think that you’re finally coming out of your shell and I’m beginning to glimpse thereal you.”
She walked a few steps in silence. “You know the real me,” she said, stopping to peer up at him. “More thananyone else.”
“I know,” he said, pulling her toward him. “And that’s why I think that somehow we were meant to find eachother.”
Though the store was as busy as ever, Alex took a vacation. It was his first in a while, and he spent mostafternoons with Katie and the kids, relishing the lazy days of summer in a way he hadn’t since childhood. Hefished with Josh and built dollhouses with Kristen; he took Katie to a jazz festival in Myrtle Beach. When thefireflies were out in force, they caught dozens with nets and put them in a jar; later that night, they watched theeerie glow with a mixture of wonder and fascination before Alex finally opened the lid.
They rode their bikes and went to the movies, and when Katie wasn’t working evenings, Alex liked to fire up thegrill. The kids would eat and then swim in the creek until it was almost dark. After they’d showered and gone tobed, Alex would sit with Katie on the small dock out back, their legs dangling over the water, while the moonslowly traversed the sky. They sipped wine and talked about nothing important, but Alex grew to savor those quietmoments together.
Kristen particularly loved spending time with Katie. When the four of them were walking together, Kristen oftenreached for Katie’s hand; when she fell down in the playground, she’d begun to run to Katie. While it warmedAlex’s heart to see those things, he always felt a pang of sadness, too, because it reminded him that he couldnever be everything that his daughter needed, no matter how hard he tried. Still, when Kristen came running up tohim and asked if Katie could take her shopping, Alex couldn’t say no. Though Alex made a point to take hershopping once or twice a year, he tended to view it more as a parental duty than an opportunity for fun. Bycontrast, Katie seemed delighted by the idea. After giving Katie some money, Alex handed her the keys to the jeepand waved from the parking lot as they left.
As happy as Katie’s presence had made Kristen, Josh’s feelings weren’t quite as obvious. The day before, Alexhad picked him up from a friend’s swimming party, and he hadn’t said anything to either Katie or Alex the rest ofthe evening. Earlier, at the beach, he’d been subdued as well. Alex knew that something was bothering him andsuggested that they get out their fishing poles, just as dusk was settling in. Shadows began to stretch across theblackened water and the creek was still, a darkened mirror reflecting the slowly drifting clouds.
They cast their lines for an hour while the sky turned violet, then indigo, the lures making circular ripples asthey splashed into the water. Josh remained strangely quiet. At other times the tableau might have seemedpeaceful, but now Alex had the nagging feeling that something was wrong. Just when he was about to ask Joshabout it, however, his son half-swiveled in his direction.
“Hey, Dad?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you ever think about Mom?”
“All the time,” he said.
Josh nodded. “I think about her, too.”
“You should. She loved you very much. What do you think about?”
“I remember when she made us cookies. She let me put the frosting on.”
“I remember that. You had pink frosting all over your face. She took your picture. It’s still on the refrigerator.”
“I think that’s why I remember.” He propped the rod in his lap. “Do you miss her?”
“Of course I do. I loved her very much,” Alex said, holding Josh’s gaze. “What’s going on, Josh?”
“At the party yesterday…” Josh rubbed his nose, hesitating.
“What happened?”
“Most of the moms stayed the whole time. Talking and stuff.”
“I would have stayed if you wanted me to.”
Josh dropped his eyes, and in the silence, Alex suddenly knew what he hadn’t said. “I was supposed to stay,too, wasn’t I. Some parent-child thing.” His tone was more a statement than a question. “But you didn’t want to tellme because I would have been the only dad there, right?”
Josh nodded, looking guilty. “I don’t want you to be mad at me.”
Alex slipped an arm around his son. “I’m not mad,” he said.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m positive. I couldn’t be mad at you for that.”
“Do you think Mom would have gone? If she was still here?”
“Of course she would have. She wouldn’t have missed it.”
On the far side of the creek, a mullet jumped and the tiny ripples began moving toward them.
“What do you do when you go out with Miss Katie?” he asked.
Alex shifted slightly. “It’s kind of like what we did at the beach today. We eat and talk and maybe go for a walk.”
“You’ve been spending a lot of time with her lately.”
“Yes.”
Josh considered that. “What do you talk about?”
“Just regular stuff.” Alex tilted his head. “And we talk about you and your sister, too.”
“What do you say?”
“We talk about how much fun it is to spend time with you two, and how well you did in school, or how good youare at keeping your room clean.”
“Will you tell her that I didn’t tell you that you were supposed to stay at the party?”
“Do you want me to?”
“No,” he said.
“Then I won’t say anything.”
“Promise? Because I don’t want her to be mad at me.”
Alex raised his fingers. “Scout’s honor. But just so you know, she wouldn’t be mad at you even if I did. Shethinks you’re a great kid.”
Josh sat up straighter and began reeling in his line. “Good,” he said. “Because I think she’s pretty great, too.”
The conversation with Josh kept Alex awake that night. He found himself studying the portrait of Carly in hisbedroom as he sipped his third beer of the evening.
Kristen and Katie had returned to the house, full of energy and excitement as they showed him the clothesthey’d purchased. Surprisingly, Katie had returned nearly half the money, saying only that she was pretty good atfinding things on sale. Alex sat on the couch as Kristen modeled an outfit for him, only to vanish back into herbedroom before returning wearing something completely different. Even Josh, who ordinarily wouldn’t havecared in the slightest, set his Nintendo game aside, and when Kristen had left the room, he approached Katie.
“Could you take me shopping, too?” he asked, his voice barely above a whisper. “Because I need some newshirts and stuff.”
Afterward, Alex ordered Chinese food and they sat around the table, eating and laughing. At one point duringdinner, Katie pulled a leather wristband from her purse and turned toward Josh. “I thought this was pretty cool-looking,” she said, handing it to Josh. His surprise gave way to pleasure as he put it on, and Alex noticed howJosh’s eyes continually flickered toward Katie for the rest of the evening.
Ironically, it was at times like tonight that he missed Carly most. Even though she’d never experienced nightslike these as a family—the kids were too young when she died—he found it easy to imagine her being at the table.
Perhaps that was the reason he couldn’t sleep, long after Katie went home and Kristen and Josh were asleep intheir beds. Tossing back the covers, he went to the closet and opened the safe he’d installed a few years earlier.
In it were important financial and insurance documents, stacked beside treasures from his marriage. They wereitems that Carly had collected: photos from their honeymoon, a four-leaf clover they’d found while vacationing inVancouver, the bouquet of peonies and calla lilies she’d carried on her wedding day, ultrasound images of Joshand Kristen while each was still in her womb, along with the outfits that each had worn on the way home from thehospital. Photo negatives and camera disks, chronicling their years together.
The articles were heavy with meaning and memories, and since Carly’s death, Alex had added nothing to thesafe, except for the letters that Carly had written. One had been addressed to him. The second had no name on it,however, and it remained unopened. He couldn’t open it—a promise, after all, was a promise.
He pulled out the letter he’d read a hundred times, leaving the other in the safe. He’d known nothing about theletters until she’d handed the envelopes to him less than a week before she died. By that point, she was bedriddenand could only sip liquids. When he carried her to the bathroom, she was light, as if somehow she’d beenhollowed out. He spent her few waking hours sitting quietly beside her. Usually, she would fall asleep again withinminutes, and Alex would stare at her, afraid to leave in case she needed him and afraid to stay in case he mightrob her of rest. On the day she gave him the envelopes, he saw that they had been tucked into the blankets,appearing as if by magic. Only later would he learn that she’d written them two months earlier and her mom hadbeen holding them.
Now, Alex opened the envelope and pulled out the much-handled letter. It was written on yellow legal paper.
Bringing it to his nose, he was still able to discern the scent of the lotion she often wore. He remembered hissurprise and the way her eyes pleaded with him for understanding.
“You want me to read this one first?” he remembered asking. He pointed to the one inscribed with his nameand she nodded slightly. She relaxed as he pulled the letter out, her head sinking into the pillow.
My dearest Alex,
There are dreams that visit us and leave us fulfilled upon waking, there are dreams that make life worth
living. You, my sweet husband, are that dream, and it saddens me to have to put into words the way I feel
about you.
I’m writing this letter now, while I still can, and yet I’m not sure how to capture what I want to say. I’m not
a writer, and words seem so inadequate right now. How can I describe how much I love you? Is it even
possible to describe a love like that? I don’t know, but as I sit here with pen in hand, I know that I have to
try.
I know you like to tell the story of how I played hard to get, but when I think back on the night we first
met, I think I realized even then that we were meant to be together. I remember that night clearly, just as I
can recall the exact sensation of your hand in mine, and every detail of the cloudy afternoon at the beach
when you dropped to one knee and asked me to become your wife. Until you came along, I never knew
how much I’d been missing. I never knew that a touch could be so meaningful or an expression so
eloquent; I never knew that a kiss could literally take my breath away. You are, and always have been,
everything I’ve always wanted in a husband. You’re kind and strong and caring and smart; you lift my
spirits and you’re a better father than you know. You have a knack with children, a way of making them
trust you, and I can’t express the joy it has brought me to see you holding them as they fall asleep on your
shoulder.
My life is infinitely better for having you in it. And that’s what makes all of this so hard; it’s why I can’t
seem to find the words I need. It scares me to know that all of this will be ending soon. I’m not simply
scared for me, though—I’m scared for you and our children, too. It breaks my heart to know that I’m going
to cause you all such grief, but I don’t know what I can do, other than to remind you of the reasons I fell in
love with you in the first place and express my sorrow at hurting you and our beautiful children. It pains
me to think that your love for me will also be the source of so much anguish.
But I truly believe that while love can hurt, love can also heal… and that’s why I’m enclosing another
letter.
Please don’t read it. It’s not meant for you, or our families, or even our friends. I highly doubt that