Man and wife, living together, the way it was supposed to be. Happy.
They used to be happy. Used to do fun things together. Early on in the marriage, he remembered, he and Erinwould visit open houses on the weekends. She was excited about buying a house and he would listen as shetalked to the Realtors, her voice trilling like music in the empty homes. She liked to take her time as she walkedthrough the rooms, and he knew she was imagining where to put furniture. When they found the house inDorchester, he’d known she wanted it by the way her eyes were sparkling. That night, lying in bed, she tracedsmall circles on his chest as she pleaded with him to make an offer and he could remember thinking that he woulddo anything she wanted because he loved her.
Except have children. She’d told him that she wanted kids, wanted to start a family. In the first year of marriage,she’d talked about it all the time. He tried to ignore her, didn’t want to tell her that he didn’t want her to get fat andpuffy, that pregnant women were ugly, that he didn’t want to hear her whining about how tired she was or how herfeet were swollen. He didn’t want to hear a baby fussing and crying when he got home from work, didn’t want toysscattered around the house. He didn’t want her to get frumpy and saggy or hear her ask him whether he thoughther butt was getting fat. He married her because he wanted a wife, not a mother. But she kept bringing it up, keptharping day after day until he finally slapped her and told her to shut up. After that, she never talked about it again,but now he wondered whether he should have given her what she wanted. She wouldn’t have left if she had achild, wouldn’t have been able to run away in the first place. By the same token, she could never run away again.
They would have a child, he decided, and the three of them would live in Dorchester and he would work as adetective. In the evenings, he’d come home to his pretty wife and when people saw them in the grocery store, theywould marvel and say, They look like the all-American family.
He wondered whether her hair was blond again. Hoped it was long and blond and that he could run his fingersthrough it. She liked when he did that, always whispering to him, saying the words he liked, turning him on. But ithadn’t been real, not if she’d been planning to leave him, not if she hadn’t come back. She’d lied to him, been lyingall along. For weeks. Months, even. Stealing from the Feldmans, the cell phone, taking money from his wallet.
Scheming and plotting and he’d had no idea at all and now another man was sharing her bed. Running his fingersthrough her hair, listening to her moans, feeling her hands on him. Kevin bit his lip and tasted blood, hating her,wanting to kick and punch her, wanting to throw her down the stairs. He took another sip from the bottle next tohim, rinsing the metallic taste from his mouth.
She’d fooled him because she was beautiful. Everything about her was pretty. Her br**sts, her lips, even thesmall of her back. At the casino, in Atlantic City, when he’d first met her, he’d thought she was the prettiest womanhe’d ever seen, and in their four years of marriage, nothing had changed. She knew he desired her, and she usedit to her advantage. Dressing sexy. Getting her hair done. Wearing lacy underwear. It made him lower his guard,made him think she loved him.
But she didn’t love him. She didn’t even care about him. She didn’t care about the broken flowerpots andsmashed-up china, didn’t care that he’d been suspended from his job, didn’t care that he’d cried himself to sleepfor months. Didn’t care that his life was falling apart. All that mattered was what she wanted, but she’d always beenselfish and now she was laughing at him. Laughing for months and thinking only about herself. He loved her andhated her and he couldn’t make sense of it. He felt tears beginning to form and he blinked them back.
Delaware. Maryland. The outskirts of Washington DC. Virginia. Hours lost to the never-ending night. Raininghard at first, then gradually the rain dissipated. He stopped near Richmond at dawn and ate breakfast. Two eggs,four pieces of bacon, wheat toast. He drank three cups of coffee. He put more gas in the car and went back to theinterstate. He crossed into North Carolina under blue skies. Bugs were cemented against the windshield and hisback had begun to ache. He had to wear sunglasses to keep from squinting and his whiskers had begun to itch.
I’m coming, Erin, he thought. I’ll be there soon.
33
Katie awoke exhausted. She had tossed and turned for hours during the night, replaying the horrible thingsshe’d said to Alex. She didn’t know what had come over her. Yes, she was upset about the Feldmans, but for thelife of her, she couldn’t remember how the argument had started in the first place. Or rather, she did remember,but it didn’t make sense. She’d known he hadn’t been pressuring her or trying to force her to do anything shewasn’t ready for. She knew he wasn’t remotely like Kevin, but what had she said to him?
What are you going to do? Hit me? Go ahead.
Why would she have said something like that?
She eventually dozed off sometime after two a.m., when the wind and rain were beginning to taper off. By dawn,the sky was clear and birdsong was drifting from the trees. From the porch, she noticed the effects of the storm:broken branches strewn out front, a carpet of pinecones littered across the yard and drive. The air was alreadythick with humidity. It was going to be a scorcher, maybe the hottest day of the summer yet. She made a note toherself to remind Alex not to keep the kids out in the sun too long before she realized that he might not want herwith them. That maybe he was still mad at her.
Not maybe, she corrected herself. He was almost certainly mad at her. And hurt as well. He hadn’t even let thekids say good-bye last night.
She took a seat on the steps and turned toward Jo’s, wondering if she was up and about. It was early, probablytoo early to knock on her door. She didn’t know what she would say to her or what good it would do. She wouldn’ttell her what she’d said to Alex—that was a memory she’d rather erase in its entirety—but maybe Jo could helpher understand the anxiety she’d been feeling. Even after Alex left, she noted the tension in her shoulders, andlast night, for the first time in weeks, she’d wanted the light on.
Her intuition told her that something was wrong but she couldn’t pinpoint what it was, other than that herthoughts kept returning to the Feldmans. To Gladys. To the inevitable changes in the house. What would happen ifsomeone realized Katie’s information was missing? Simply imagining it made her sick to her stomach.
“It’s going to be okay,” she suddenly heard. Whirling around, she saw Jo standing off to the side in her runningshoes, cheeks flushed and perspiration staining her shirt.
“Where did you come from?”
“I went for a jog,” Jo said. “I was trying to beat the heat, but obviously, it didn’t work. It’s so steamy I couldbarely breathe and I thought I was going to die of heatstroke. Even so, I think I’m doing better than you. You seemdownright glum.” She motioned to the steps and Katie scooted over. Jo took a seat beside her.
“Alex and I had a fight last night.”
“And?”
“I said something terrible to him.”
“Did you apologize?”
“No,” Katie answered. “He left before I could. I should have, but I didn’t. And now…”
“What? You think it’s too late?” She squeezed Katie’s knee. “It’s never too late to do the right thing. Go overthere and talk to him.”
Katie hesitated, her anxiety plain. “What if he won’t forgive me?”
“Then he’s not who you thought he was.”
Katie drew her knees up, propping her chin on them. Jo peeled her shirt away from her skin, trying to fanherself before going on. “He’ll forgive you, though. You know that, right? He might be angry and you might havehurt his feelings, but he’s a good man.” She smiled. “Besides, every couple needs to argue now and then. Just toprove that the relationship is strong enough to survive it.”
“That sounds like the counselor talking.”
“It is, but it’s also true. Long-term relationships—the ones that matter—are all about weathering the peaks andthe valleys. And you arestill thinking long-term, right?”
“Yes.” Katie nodded. “I am. And you’re right. Thanks.”
Jo patted Katie’s leg and winked as she unfolded herself from the steps and stood. “What are friends for, right?
”
Katie squinted up. “Do you want some coffee? I was going to start a pot.”
“Not this morning. Too hot. What I need is a glass of ice water and a cool shower. I feel like I’m melting.”
“Are you going to the carnival today?”
“Maybe. I haven’t decided yet. But if I do, I’ll try to find you,” she promised. “Now head on over there before youchange your mind.”
Katie sat on the steps a few minutes longer before retreating into the house. She showered and made herself acup of coffee—but Jo was right, it was too hot to drink it. Instead, she changed into shorts and sandals beforewalking around to the back of the house and getting on her bicycle.
Despite the recent downpour, the gravel road was already drying and she was able to pedal without exertingmuch energy. Good thing. She had no idea how Jo had been able to jog in this heat, even first thing in themorning. Everything, it seemed, was trying to escape the heat. Normally, there were squirrels or birds, but as sheturned onto the main road, she saw no movement at all.
On the road, traffic was light. A couple of cars zipped past, leaving fumes in their wake. Katie pedaled onwardand as she rounded a bend, the store came into view. Already, there were half a dozen cars parked out front.
Regulars who came to eat biscuits.
Talking to Jo had helped, she thought. A little, anyway. She was still anxious, but it had less to do with theFeldmans or other troubling memories than what she was going to say to Alex. Or rather, what he was going tosay to her in return.
She pulled to a stop out front. A couple of older men were fanning themselves on the benches and she walkedpast them toward the door. Behind the register, Joyce was ringing up a customer and she smiled.
“Good morning, Katie,” she said.
Katie quickly scanned the store. “Is Alex around?”
“He’s upstairs with the kids. You know the way, right? The stairs out back?”
Katie left the store and went around the side, toward the rear of the building. At the dock, a line of boatsqueued, waiting to fill up.
She hesitated at the door before finally knocking. Inside, she could hear footfalls approaching. When the doorswung open, Alex stood before her.
She offered a tentative smile. “Hi,” she said.
He nodded, his expression unreadable. Katie cleared her throat.
“I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry about what I said. I was wrong.”
His expression remained neutral. “Okay,” he said. “I appreciate the apology.”
For a moment, neither of them said anything, and Katie suddenly wished she hadn’t come. “I can go. I just needto know whether you still need me to watch the kids tonight.”
Again, he said nothing, and in the silence Katie shook her head. When she turned to leave, she heard him takea step toward her. “Katie… wait,” he said. He peeked over his shoulder at the kids before closing the door behindhim.
“What you said last night…” he began. He trailed off, uncertain.
“I didn’t mean it,” she said, her voice soft. “I don’t know what got into me. I was upset about something else andI took it out on you.”
“I admit it—it bothered me. Not so much that you said it, but that you imagined me capable of… that.”
“I don’t think that,” Katie said. “I would never think that about you.”
He seemed to take that in, but she knew he had more to say.
“I want you to know that I value what we have right now, and more than anything, I want you to be comfortable.
Whatever that means. I’m sorry for making you feel like I was putting you on the spot. That wasn’t what I wastrying to do.”
“Yes, you were.” She gave him a knowing smile. “A little, anyway. But it’s okay. I mean, who knows what thefuture might bring, right? Like tonight, for instance.”
“Why? What happens tonight?”
She leaned against the doorjamb. “Well, once the kids are asleep and depending when you get back, it mightbe too late for me to ride back to my house. You might just find me in your bed…”
When he realized she wasn’t kidding, he brought a hand to his chin in mock contemplation. “That is a dilemma.
”
“Then again, traffic might be light and you’ll get home early enough to bring me home.”
“I’m generally a pretty safe driver. As a rule, I don’t like to speed.”
She leaned into him and breathed into his ear. “That’s very conscientious of you.”
“I try,” he whispered, before their lips met. When he pulled back, he noticed half a dozen boaters watchingthem. He didn’t care. “How long did it take you to rehearse that speech?”
“I didn’t. It just sort of… came to me.”
He could still feel the remnants of their kiss. “Have you had breakfast yet?” he whispered.
“No.”
“Would you like to have cereal with me and the kids? Before we head off to the carnival?”
“Cereal sounds delicious.”
34
North Carolina was ugly, a strip of road sandwiched between monotonous strands of pine trees and rolling hills.
Along the highway, there were clusters of mobile homes and farmhouses and rotting barns overgrown withweeds. He left one interstate and got on another, turning toward Wilmington, and drank some more out of sheerboredom.
As he passed through the unchanging landscape, he thought about Erin. Thought about what he was going todo when he found her. He hoped she would be at home when he arrived, but even if she was at work, it would onlybe a matter of time before she came home.