“Christ!” he spat out, his voice booming off the walls. “Can’t you just drop it?”
His outburst surprised her, and her eyes widened a little.
“No, I can’t,” she persisted, her heart suddenly racing. “Not if it’s something that concerns us.”
He stood from the couch.
“It doesn’t concern us! What the hell is all this about, anyway? I’m getting sick and tired of you grilling me all the time!”
She leaned forward, hands extended. “I’m not grilling you, Taylor, I—I’m just trying to talk,” she stammered.
“What do you want from me?” he said, not listening, his face flushed.
“I just want to know what’s going on so we can work on it.”
“Work on what? We’re not married, Denise,” he said. “Where the hell do you get off trying to pry?”
The words stung. “I’m not prying,” she said defensively.
“Sure you are. You’re trying to get into my head so you can try to fix what’s wrong. But nothing’s wrong, Denise, at least not with me. I am who I am, and if you can’t handle it, maybe you shouldn’t try.”
He glared at her from where he was standing, and Denise took a deep breath. Before she could say anything else, Taylor shook his head and took a step backward.
“Look, you don’t need a ride and I don’t want to be here right now. So think about what I said, okay? I’m getting out of here.”
With that, Taylor spun and made his way to the door, leaving the house as Denise sat on the couch, stunned.
Think about what I said?
“I would,” she whispered, “if you’d made any sense at all.”
The next few days passed uneventfully, except, of course, for the flowers that arrived the day after their argument.
The note was simple:
I’m sorry for the way I acted. I just need a couple days to think things through. Can you give me that?
Part of her wanted to throw the flowers away, another part wanted to keep them. Part of her wanted to end the relationship right now, another part wanted to plead for another chance. So what else is new? she thought to herself.
Outside her window, the storm had returned. The sky was gray and cold, rain sheeting itself against the windows, strong winds bending the trees almost double.
She lifted the receiver and called Rhonda, then turned her attention to the classified ads. This weekend she’d buy herself a car.
Maybe then she wouldn’t feel so trapped.
On Saturday Kyle celebrated his birthday. Melissa, Mitch and their four boys, and Judy were the only ones in attendance. When asked about Taylor, Denise explained that Taylor was coming by later to take Kyle to a baseball game, which was why he wasn’t here now.
“Kyle’s been looking forward to it all week,” she said, downplaying any problem.
It was only because of Kyle that she didn’t worry. Despite everything, Taylor hadn’t changed at all when it concerned her son. He would come, she knew. There was no way on earth that he wouldn’t.
He’d be here around five, he’d take Kyle to the game.
The hours ticked by, more slowly than usual.
At twenty past five, Denise was playing catch with Kyle in the yard, a pit in her stomach and on the verge of crying.
Kyle looked adorable dressed in jeans and a baseball hat. With his mitt—a new one, courtesy of Melissa—he caught Denise’s latest toss. Gripping the ball, he held it out in front of him, looking at Denise.
“Taylor’s coming,” he said. (Tayer’s cummeen)
Denise glanced at her watch for the hundredth time, then swallowed hard, feeling nauseated. She’d called three times; he wasn’t home. Nor, it seemed, was he on his way.
“I don’t think so, honey.”
“Taylor’s coming,” he repeated.
That one brought tears to her eyes. Denise approached him and squatted to be at eye level.
“Taylor is busy. I don’t think he’s going to take you to the game. You can come with Mommy to work, okay?”
Saying the words hurt more than it seemed possible.
Kyle looked up at her, the words slowly sinking in.
“Tayer’s gone,” he finally said.
Denise reached out for him. “Yes, he is,” she said sadly.
Kyle dropped the ball and walked past her, toward the house, looking as dejected as she’d ever seen him.
Denise lowered her face into her hands.
Taylor came by the following morning, a wrapped gift under his arm. Before Denise could get to the door, Kyle was outside, reaching for the package, the fact that he hadn’t shown up yesterday already forgotten. If children had one advantage over their elders, Denise reflected, it was their ability to forgive quickly.
But she wasn’t a child. She stepped outside, her arms crossed, obviously upset. Kyle had taken the gift and was already unwrapping it, ripping off the paper in an excited frenzy. Deciding not to say anything until he was done, Denise watched as Kyle’s eyes grew wider.
“Legos!” he cried joyfully, holding up the box for Denise to see. (Weggoes)
“It sure is,” she said, agreeing with him. Without looking at Taylor, she brushed a loose strand of hair from her eyes. “Kyle, say, ‘Thank you.’ ”
“Kenk you,” he said, staring at the box.
“Here,” Taylor said, removing a small pocketknife from his pants and squatting, “let me open that for you.”
He cut the tape on the box and removed the cover. Kyle reached in and pulled out a set of wheels for one of the model cars.
Denise cleared her throat. “Kyle? Why don’t you take that inside. Mommy’s got to talk to Taylor.”
She held open the screen door, and Kyle dutifully did as she’d asked. Setting the box on the coffee table, he was immediately engrossed in the pieces.
Taylor stood, not making a move toward her.
“I’m sorry,” he said sincerely. “There’s really no excuse. I just forgot about the game. Was he upset?”
“You could say that.”
Taylor’s expression was pained. “Maybe I could make it up to him. There’s another game next weekend.”
“I don’t think so,” she said quietly. She motioned to the chairs on the porch. Taylor hesitated before moving to take a seat. Denise sat as well but didn’t face him. Instead she watched a pair of squirrels hopping across the yard, collecting acorns.
“I screwed up, didn’t I?” Taylor said honestly.
Denise smiled wryly. “Yeah.”
“You have every right to be angry with me.”
Denise finally turned to face him. “I was. Last night, if you had come into the diner, I would have thrown a frying pan at you.”
The corners of Taylor’s mouth upturned slightly, then straightened again. He knew she wasn’t finished.
“But I’m over that. Now I’m less angry than I am resigned.”
Taylor looked at her curiously as Denise exhaled slowly. When she spoke again, her voice was low and soft.
“For the last four years, I had my life with Kyle,” she began. “It’s not always easy, but it’s predictable, and there’s something to be said for that. I know how I’m going to spend today and tomorrow and the day after that, and it helps me keep some semblance of control. Kyle needs me to do that, and I need to do it for him because he’s all I’ve got in the world. But then, you showed up.”
She smiled, but it couldn’t mask the sadness in her eyes. Still, Taylor was silent.
“You were so good to him, right from the beginning. You treated Kyle differently than anyone else ever has, and that meant the world to me. But even more than that, you were good to me.”
Denise paused, picking at a knot in the armrest of her old wooden rocker, her eyes focused inward. “When we first met, I didn’t want to get involved with anyone. I didn’t have the time or the energy, and even after the carnival, I wasn’t sure that I was ready for it. But you were so good with Kyle. You did things with him that no one else had taken the time to do, and I got swept up in that. And little by little, I found myself falling in love with you.”
Taylor put both hands in his lap as he stared at the floor. Denise shook her head wistfully.
“I don’t know . . . I grew up reading fairy tales, and maybe that had something to do with it.”
Denise leaned back in her rocker, gazing at him from below lowered lashes.
“Do you remember that night we met? When you rescued my son? After that, you delivered my groceries and then taught Kyle how to play catch. It was like you were the handsome prince of my girlhood fantasies, and the more I got to know you, the more I came to believe it. And part of me still does. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a man. But as much as I care for you, I don’t think you’re ready for me or my son.”
Taylor rubbed his face wearily before staring up at her with pain-darkened eyes.
“I’m not blind to what’s been happening with us these last few weeks. You’re pulling away from me—from both of us—no matter how much you try to deny it. It’s obvious, Taylor. What I don’t understand is why you’re doing it.”
“I’ve been busy at work,” Taylor began halfheartedly.
“That may be true, but it’s not the whole truth.”
Denise took a deep breath, willing her voice not to break. “I know you’re holding something back, and if you can’t, or don’t, want to talk about it, there’s not much I can do. But whatever it is, it’s driving you away.”
She stopped, her eyes welling with tears. “Yesterday, you hurt me. But worse than that, you hurt Kyle. He waited for you, Taylor. For two hours. He jumped up every time a car went by, thinking it was you. But it wasn’t, and finally even he knew that everything had changed. He didn’t say a single thing the rest of the night. Not one word.”
Taylor, pale and shaken, seemed incapable of speech. Denise looked toward the horizon, a single tear drifting down her cheek.
“I can put up with a lot of things. Lord knows, I already have. The way you’ve been drawing me in, pushing me away, drawing me in again. But I’m a grown-up, and I’m old enough to choose whether I want to keep letting that happen. But if the same thing should start happening with Kyle . . .” She trailed off, swiping at her cheek.
“You’re a wonderful person, Taylor. You’ve got so much to offer someone, and I hope that one day you’ll finally meet the person who can make sense of all that pain you’re carrying around. You deserve that. In my heart, I know you didn’t mean to hurt Kyle. But I can’t take the chance of that happening again, especially when you’re not serious about our future together.”
“I’m sorry,” he said thickly.
“I am, too.”
He reached for her hand. “I don’t want to lose you.” His voice was almost a whisper.
Seeing his haggard expression, she took his hand and squeezed it, then reluctantly let it go. She could feel the tears again, and she fought them back.
“But you don’t want to keep me, either, do you?”
To that, he had no response.
Once he was gone, Denise drifted like a zombie through the house, holding on to her self-control by a thread. She’d cried most of the night already, knowing what was to come. She’d been strong, she reminded herself as she sat on the living room couch; she’d done the right thing. She couldn’t allow him to hurt Kyle again. She wasn’t going to cry.
Damnit, not anymore.
But watching Kyle play with his Legos and knowing that Taylor would no longer be coming by the house made a sickening knot rise in her throat.
“I’m not going to cry,” she said aloud, the words coming out like a mantra. “I’m not going to cry.”
With that, she broke down and wept for the next two hours.
“So you went ahead and ended it, huh?” Mitch said, clearly disgusted.
They were in a bar, a dingy place that opened its doors for breakfast, usually to a waiting crowd of three or four regulars. Now, however, it was late in the evening. Taylor hadn’t called until after eight; Mitch had shown up an hour later. Taylor had started drinking without him.
“It wasn’t me, Mitch,” he said defensively. “She’s the one who called it off. You can’t pin this one on me.”
“And I suppose it just came out of the blue, right? You had nothing to do with it.”
“It’s over, Mitch. What do you want me to say?”
Mitch shook his head. “You know, Taylor, you’re a piece of work. You sit here thinking you’ve got it all figured out, but you don’t understand anything.”
“Thanks for your support, Mitch.”
Mitch glared at him. “Don’t give me that crap. You don’t need my support. What you need is someone to tell you to get your ass back over there and fix whatever it was you did wrong.”
“You don’t understand—”
“Like hell I don’t!” Mitch said, slamming his beer glass onto the table. “Who do you think you are? You think I don’t know? Hell, Taylor, I probably know you better than you know yourself. You think you’re the only one with a shitty past? You think you’re the only one who’s always trying to change it? I have news for you. Everyone has crap in their background, everyone has things they wish they could undo. But most people don’t go around doing their best to screw up their present lives because of it.”
“I didn’t screw up,” Taylor said angrily. “Didn’t you hear what I said? She’s the one who ended it. Not me. Not this time.”
“I tell you what, Taylor. You can go to the goddamn grave thinking that, but both you and I know, it ain’t the whole truth. So get back over there and try to salvage it. She’s the best thing that ever happened to you.”