“See?” he said, pointing to the wall. “Relief carvings.” He enunciated the word carefully. “Relief.”
“Ah,” Micah said, knowing he wasn’t getting through. “Thanks anyway.”
The guide bowed. “I’m welcome.”
The sun was directly overhead and beating down hard when we finally arrived at the Elephant Terrace. We were told the rulers used to sit atop the wall—essentially a long, thick wall with elephants carved on it—to watch performances on the plaza out front.
“What kinds of performances?” Micah asked.
“Like the . . . uh . . . uh . . .”
“Play?”
“No . . . the uh . . .”
“Circus?” Micah offered.
“Yes, the circus. With the swingers on the . . . uh . . .” The guide waved his hand, mimicking the word he was looking for.
“Trapeze?”
“Yes. Trapeze. And there were women . . . uh . . .” The guide moved a little, swinging his h*ps to the side.
“Dancers?”
“Yes, dancers. And . . . uh . . . uh . . .”
“Elephants?” Micah suggested.
“No, no elephants.”
The three-hour break once we were back at the hotel was welcome. Both Micah and I worked out, ate, and napped before heading off to Angkor Wat. By then, we’d been told repeatedly that our two hours there wouldn’t be nearly long enough to fully appreciate it.
In a way, we learned, they were right, simply because of its size and scope. And yet, unless you were well versed in the stories about the Hindu god Vishnu and had the patience to learn how those stories had been interpreted into pictures, two hours was more than enough. One of the TCS lecturers on the trip was absolutely fascinated by—and had studied intensively—the relief carvings of Angkor Wat. After making our way over the causeway to the main walls surrounding the temple, he grew giddy with excitement. As we stared and photographed portions of the carvings—and they were amazingly detailed, I have to admit—our lecturer would stop every few steps and point to the various sections of the wall, describing it in even further detail, his voice resounding with enthusiasm.
To be honest, it only confused us.
“Now this,” he might say, “is where Vishnu crosses the river. Look where he’s standing. See the temple in the foreground?”
We’d squint, searching for the temple and finding it, thinking, so far, so good. Then, unfortunately, the lecturer would go on.
“As you probably know, the temple behind him represents the cosmos as centered on Mount Meru—in other words, it’s the model of the universe in microcosm! This—as with everything about Angkor Wat—is the same representation! And all these reliefs come from the Ramayana and the Mahabharata as well as the Bhagavad-Gita, which is absolutely extraordinary, if you think about it. Furthermore, as we move along, you’ll also notice scenes from the life of Suryavarman II himself, who apparently decided to identify himself with Rama and Krishna, the incarnations of Vishnu, thus making himself out to be a Devaraja! You can just imagine what Jayavarman II thought about that, especially after defeating the Chams. Oh, and just up ahead, we’ll see the famous relief that depicts the myth of cosmic renewal, also known as the Churning of the Sea of Milk!”
By then, Micah’s eyes had acquired a familiar glassy sheen.
“Milk?”
“That’s what he said.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” Micah went on. “And who’s Rama and what on earth is a Devaraja?”
“Do you want me to ask?”
“No,” he said quickly. “Maybe if no one asks, he’ll eventually move on.” Micah paused for a moment before shaking his head. “I mean, does he really think we know all this stuff about Shiva?”
“Vishnu. He’s talking to us about the God Vishnu.”
“Whatever,” he said. “My point is, I don’t know any of this, I won’t remember any of this. It’s too much—I mean, the wall is ten feet high and goes all the way around the temple. It’s over half a mile long. Architecturally, it’s amazing, and I can see why it took decades to build it. But unless you live for this stuff, the carvings seem to run together.”
“Relief carvings,” I said. “Relief.”
“Whatever.”
Meanwhile, our lecturer was still talking on and on, growing even more excited.
“And notice outside the four sandstone heads atop the perimeter wall! Can you see them? We think those represent the Guardians of the Four Directions, or maybe even the Bodhisattva Avalokiteshvara!”
When we reached the center of Angkor Wat and stood at the base of the temple mount, the lecturer was in full swing.
“It’s interesting to compare Mahayana and Theravada Buddhism, but for historical purposes, you might keep in mind the animism that was also prevalent in the early Khmer empire—for example, the belief in Neak Ta. Perhaps you noticed the serpent god Naga near the entrance? This—”
“Excuse me?” Micah interrupted.
The lecturer paused. “Yes?”
Micah pointed to the temple-mountain. “Can we climb that thing?”
We spent the remaining hour exploring the ruins on our own. We climbed the steep, crumbling steps and wandered through the rocky corridors, posed for pictures, and surveyed Angkor Wat from the highest spots we could reach.
“I hope there’s not a test on any of this,” Micah said as we walked back down the causeway. “I’d flunk.”
“You and me both.”
He paused. “Do you realize we’ve been gone for two weeks?”
“It doesn’t seem like it.”
“It’s kind of sad to think about it. I’d been dreaming about this trip for months, and we’re already more than halfway through. It’s going so fast.”
“Dreams are funny like that,” I said. “You want something so desperately, you somehow get it, then just as suddenly it’s over. Like running races—all that training for a couple of minutes on the track. The secret, I’ve learned, is to appreciate the process.”
“Are you getting philosophical on me?”
“No,” I admitted. “I’m just talking to hear my head rattle.”
“Good,” he said. “I’ve had more than enough philosophy for one day.”
We walked a little farther.
“Do you miss Christine?” I asked.
“Yeah,” he said. “The kids, too. How about you?”
I nodded. “I’ve been missing them since I left.”
Cat and I married in Manchester, New Hampshire, Cathy’s hometown. In the previous six months, she’d had to make the arrangements from across the country. She’d gone home only twice; my bride-to-be, I was beginning to understand, was quite efficient when she needed to be.
Three Weeks With My Brother
We were married on July 22, 1989, in the Catholic church she’d grown up attending, and as she was led to the aisle by her father, I couldn’t look away. Her eyes were luminous beneath her veil, and her hands were shaking slightly when I took them in my own. I barely remember the ceremony. The only moment that stands out in my mind was when I slipped the ring on her finger. The reception was also a blur, and we were both exhausted by the time we arrived in Hawaii for our honeymoon. The honeymoon had been a gift from Billy and Pat Mills, who had come to love Cathy as much as I did. Lisa, who’d long since found someone new in her life, jokingly began referring to me as “the ex-boyfriend that never went away.”
Because the ceremony and reception had been held on the other side of the country, only a few of my friends had been able to make it. My mom, however, decided to throw a party in Sacramento in our honor. She decorated the backyard, made a cake, set out beer and food, and everyone I knew from childhood stopped by to congratulate us. The party went on for hours, and in some ways was more fun than the original reception. I had returned from honeymooning in Maui, owned two rental properties with Micah, had finished my second—albeit unpublished—novel. I was excited about a new business I was starting, and was deeply in love with my new wife. It was, I still think, one of the best evenings, and summers, I’d ever spent.
If possible, my mom was even more excited than we were. In the course of the evening, she’d mentioned that she was thinking about quitting her job in the near future. Now that we were out of college—and with my dad earning more than he ever had—there was no reason for her to keep heading into the office every day. She’d worked long enough, she said, and she wanted to spend her time enjoying the family and riding horses with my dad.
“In fact,” she said, her eyes shining with excitement, “we’re going riding again next weekend.”
On the following Friday night—only six weeks after we’d been married—Cathy and I went to a barbecue at my parents’ house. We were the only kids there. Micah was in Cancun—he’d be arriving back home on Saturday—and Dana was in Los Angeles with her boyfriend. It was a quiet evening. We cooked and ate dinner; afterward, we settled in the living room to watch a movie. When the hour grew late, I mentioned that Cathy and I should head on home, and kissed my mom on the cheek as she sat in her chair.
“Maybe we’ll drop by tomorrow night,” I said.
“Okay,” she said. “We’d love to have you. Drive safe, you two.”
“’Bye, Mom,” I waved.
By noon, my mom and dad were riding horses on the trails that run alongside the American River. Like most August days in the Sacramento Valley, the temperature hovered in the nineties and the dry air was still. Only a few clouds dotted the horizon, and my mom and dad shared a picnic lunch in one of the many shady areas that line the parkway. A little while later, they were riding again; because of the heat, however, the horses neither trotted nor galloped. Instead, my parents rode them at a slow walk, taking in the scenery between bits of conversation.
As the river rounded a bend, the trail narrowed and my father led Napoleon into the front, Chinook and my mom close behind. According to my dad, nothing extraordinary happened next; there were no sudden noises, no snakes, nothing to startle either horse at all. The gravel pathway was strewn with rocks, he noted; at times, there was a slight angle to it, but again, nothing that either horse should have had trouble navigating at all. Indeed, both horses—and thousands of other horses over the years—had passed over that same stretch of trail dozens of times.
Yet that day for whatever reason, Chinook stumbled.
I was in the kitchen of my apartment as the phone rang. When I answered, my father sounded breathless, on the verge of hyperventilating.
“Your mom’s been in an accident . . .” he started. “She fell off the horse . . . They took her to UC Davis Medical Center . . .”
“Is she okay?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know.” His voice was simultaneously panicked and robotic. “I had to bring the horses back. I haven’t talked to the doctor . . . I’ve got to get down there . . .”
“I’m on my way.”
Cathy and I drove to the hospital, terrified, and trying to convince ourselves that it wasn’t serious. As soon as we rushed into the emergency room, we asked the nurse in charge what was going on.
After checking her notes and heading back to talk to someone, she rejoined us.
“Your mother’s in surgery,” she said. “They think she ruptured her spleen. And her arm might be broken.”
I sighed with relief; I knew that though the injuries were serious, they weren’t necessarily life-threatening. A moment later, Mike Marotte, an old friend from high school who was on the cross-country team with me, hurried through the door.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“I was running on the trail when I saw a group of people and recognized your dad. I helped him get the horses back, and came straight to the hospital from there. What’s happening with your mom?”
Mike, like all my friends, loved my mom and seemed as frightened as I was.
“I don’t know,” I said. “They said she ruptured her spleen, but no one’s come out to talk to me. You were there though? Was it serious? How was she?”
“She wasn’t conscious,” he said. “That’s all I know. The helicopter got there just a couple of minutes after I did.”
The world seemed to be whirling in slow motion.
“Is there anything you need me to do? Can I call anyone?”
“Yeah,” I said. I gave him the phone numbers of relatives on both my mom’s and dad’s sides. “Tell them what happened, and tell them to call everyone else.”
He jotted down the numbers.
“And find Micah,” I said. “He’s supposed to be flying in from Cancun this afternoon. He’s coming into San Francisco.”
“What airline?”
“I don’t know.”
“What time is he coming in?”
“I don’t know. Do what you can . . . And find Dana, too. She’s in Los Angeles with Mike Lee.”
Mike nodded. “Okay,” he said. “I’ll take care of it.”
My dad arrived a few minutes later, pale and shaking. I told him what I knew, and he burst into tears. I held him as he cried, and a moment later he was mumbling, “I’m okay, now. I’m okay,” trying to stop the tears.
We took a seat, and minutes passed without a word. Ten. Twenty. I tried to look through a magazine, but couldn’t concentrate on the words. Cathy sat beside me, her hand on my leg, then she moved closer to my father. He sat and rose and paced, then sat again. He rose and paced, then sat again.
By then, forty minutes had gone by, and no one knew what was going on.
Micah had just stepped off the plane when he heard his name being paged over the public-address system at San Francisco International Airport, requesting him to answer the courtesy phone.