"I'm getting to it!" I insisted.
"Not fast enough!" she squealed. "I need to know yesterday. Come on, don't hold out on me. I'm dying over here."
Taking another steadying breath, I bit my lower lip. How was I supposed to ease into this? Especially without letting on that I'd overheard Ben and Daniel talking about something that sounded suspiciously related?
I hesitated as long as I thought I could, without Maddy throwing her drink in my face.
"Have you ever heard of domestic discipline?"
The silence was deafening. Maddy stared at me, her face completely blank, before she broke into a fit of giggles.
"Oh my God," she managed, finally, her cheeks pink. "Okay. So. All right. That answers a lot of questions."
My stomach tightened. "Shit. I hope I didn't tell you something you weren't supposed to know."
"Oh, please." She made a dismissive gesture. "I knew there was a reason Daniel wasn't telling me how he and Ben really met. He doesn't like reminding me that he had a life before we were together. He knows how I get sometimes. But he's really, really bad at judging what's going to bother me, and what isn't. Emotionally tone deaf, these billionaires." She was grinning like she'd never stop. "So, domestic discipline - that's kind of an unusual flavor, for somebody like Ben. Or maybe not. It kind of depends on the person. Wait - what was your question?"
"I'm not sure anymore," I admitted. "But I've got like, a thousand more."
"Okay." She took a deep breath, laying her hands flat on the table. "So. Let's see. This is all very top secret stuff, okay? Very private. I don't usually talk about it. I mean, who would I tell? But you're the exception...especially considering the situation."
My head was swimming. "Slow down, Mads. Seriously. I can hardly wrap my head around the fact that this guy probably wants to spank me for speaking out of turn - I don't even know what the hell you're talking about."
"Okay, okay, I'm sorry." Her face flushed a deeper shade of red. "So...BDSM. You've heard of it, right?"
"Once or twice," I said, dryly. "But it's not something I ever..." Hesitating, I watched her face. So she and Daniel did do that kind of thing. That much was clear, from her expression. But how? The girl I knew in college would never stand for that sort of disrespect.
Maddy let out a long sigh. "It's not like what you think," she said. "First of all - I don't do that. The domestic discipline thing. But from what I see - I mean, it's different for everyone. But someone like Ben, I think, it's just another way of playing with those dynamics. You know. Just a game."
What I saw looked pretty fucking serious, but I couldn't figure out a way to explain that without sounding like an overly-sheltered child. Clearly, Maddy had gone leaps and bounds ahead of me when it came to this stuff. "I don't understand," I said, helplessly. "And I don't know how to ask him what it means. I'd have to admit I was snooping."
"Not necessarily," she said, shrugging. "Just say that something popped up on his computer. He's not going to know enough to contradict you, and he'll be on the defensive so fast he won't have time to question whether or not it makes sense."
"He doesn't need to be defensive," I insisted, although I wasn't sure how true that was. "I don't even have the right to ask him about it. I just..."
"It kind of sounds like it's going to concern you," Maddy said, with a meaningful look.
"Stop it," I grumbled, staring down at the table.
"Tell me I'm wrong."
Her eyes sparkled. I refused to meet them, hoping that my embarrassment passed for a genuine interest in Ben. And hoping, more than anything, that it wasn't so convincing because there was a grain of truth in it.
I did not want to be treated like a disobedient child. Not by my boyfriend, not by a lover, not by my fake husband. Not by anybody. It didn't matter what I'd agreed to - I would never kneel down for this ridiculous, insulting charade.
Then why are you so anxious to know about it?
"I...I really don't think that's for me," I said, finally. "It was more...I don't know. I just want to make sure he's not some kind of psychopath."
"He's not," said Maddy. "I promise. I know it seems..." Her eyes went slightly dreamy. "Until you've experienced it, you can't really know. It sounds kind of...scary, or brutal, or something. But it's not. You'll never feel more valued than you do in the hands of a caring dominant. Trust me. The connection is unreal. It's electric. I'm not even convinced we were ever meant to have vanilla sex, you know. As a species."
I blinked. "That might be taking it a little far."
"Maybe," she said, still smiling like a smitten schoolgirl. "Don't knock it till you've tried it."
This was just too much. Suddenly, I felt like the weird one for not wanting to be tied up and flogged.
You've stumbled into a nest of deviants, just like Grandma always warned you about when you said you wanted to move to New York.
I had to grin. This probably wasn't exactly what she was picturing. Fifty shades of long-term monogamy.
Resting my chin on my hand, I tried to absorb everything I'd just learned. Part of me wondered if I was being unreasonably prudish. I mean, this stuff was practically in the mainstream now. I was pretty sure I saw fuzzy handcuffs for sale at Target. But if people really needed to spice things up, couldn't they do it without some kind of contrived game about ownership and control? What on earth was hot about that?
The goosebumps that suddenly appeared on my arms offered an answer, but I wasn't ready to explore it.
"Go on," said Maddy, gently. "I know you want to ask me something. I'm not exactly an expert, but I'll try to make you understand."
I was massaging my temples, slowly, trying to get rid of the pervasive headache that had been hanging out behind my eyes since yesterday. "I don't know. Just, the whole thing doesn't make sense to me. I have a feeling it's just one of those things. Like anchovies, or caviar."
Maddy grinned. "An acquired taste?"
"I was going to say, some people like it, and some people just don't. And they never will." Folding my hands on the table, I stared down at my fingers for a second before I looked up at her. "The people who are into this kind of thing - can they ever give it up?"
It was pure curiosity, I told myself. But it played well. She thought I was into Ben, and I was feeling out my options. That was exactly what I needed her to believe.