After all this, now I was the one worried about frightening him.
"We don't have to talk about it right now," he said, finally breaking the silence. "If you need some time to think..."
"Do you ever pretend to be somebody you're not?"
I was blushing, deeply. And it was a stupid question. I'd worded it terribly.
"I mean, obviously you roleplay. As a cop, anyway. But I mean like...someone different from who you really are."
No, that was still terrible. Why couldn't I just bring myself to say it?
He was half-smiling. "I'm certainly not a cop. And I've been a priest before, if you need someone to absolve you of your sins."
Holy shit. His voice got a little deeper when he said that, and I felt heat coiling deep inside. "Well, I don't think you have the right outfit for that," I said, mortified at how husky I sounded.
His smile grew. "They don't always dress like that, you know," he said, edging closer to me. "Sometimes they just look like normal people."
My mind was racing. No, I couldn't dive into it. Not here, not now. I needed time. I needed to breathe.
Suddenly panicking, I stood up. I couldn't figure out why my brain wanted to claw its way out of my skull, but I just had to get out. Out of this room, out of this house.
By the time my tunnel vision cleared, I was on the front porch, leaning heavily on the railing. Ben must think I was insane. Or worse, he'd think that he did something wrong. Shit. Why couldn't I just be honest with him? Why couldn't I tell him what I was thinking, instead of panicking and running away?
I hated my inability to confront this. The fear, the anxiety, whatever it was.
The fear that I wasn't good enough.
That was what it was. Whenever I tried to roleplay, or perform, it triggered that fear. That inadequacy. I was so sure that my dreams would never come true, that my career ambitions were all stupid and pointless, that I couldn't even act for fun.
I had to stop running away from it.
They tell me what they don't like about themselves, and I help them fix it.
The solution to my problem was right in front of my face.
When I turned around, I half expected to see Ben standing in the doorway. But he wasn't there. Heart hammering with anticipation, I went back up the stairs, finding him right where I'd left him. All of the toys were packed away, and his head was bowed, deep in thought.
I took a deep breath, walked in, and kneeled at his feet.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Ben
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
I was so fucking stupid. Here was this girl, this completely vanilla, completely inexperienced girl, and I practically dumped a bucket of sex toys on her head. Expecting...what, exactly? That she'd instantly turn into an insatiable sex kitten?
No, I just wanted to give her a gentle introduction to my world. I didn't even care that much about any of these props, all I wanted was her sated and smiling in my arms again. However it took to get there, that was fine with me.
I didn't need ropes or cuffs, not even a paddle or a belt. If all I ever used was my hand, and I got to hear her ragged moans again, I'd never wish for anything else. How could I? She was perfect.
Just my luck, I'd chosen a pretend fiancee who melted at my touch like we were born to be together.
Why did things have to be so complicated?
After what happened in the kitchen, I knew I couldn't go back. Spending the next two years pretending to be her husband, but unable to do the things I wanted with her - utter torture. And maybe, maybe she'd still be down with vanilla sex. But that wasn't going to be enough. Not when I'd remember how she mewled and squirmed every time I spanked her.
When she first ran out of the room, I thought about following her. I ached to make sure she was okay, but at the same time, I didn't want to put any pressure on her. I split the difference and looked for her out the window, and could just barely see her on the porch, leaning out over the railing. She was still upright and she wasn't vomiting, didn't appear to be hyperventilating. Fine. So I wasn't needed.
I sat back down and packed up my stupid toys, one by one.
I expected her to come back in, eventually, probably apologize, which I would wave off. I'd put a brave smile on and tell her everything was okay. Because it was. I would make it okay. I just had to figure out what that meant, first.
What I didn't expect was to look up and see her kneeling at my feet.
I worked my mouth open and closed a few times, failing to find any words that would fit the situation.
"I'm tired of running away from what I need," she said, softly. "Punish me."
An eternity passed.
"Jenna..." I searched for the right words. "You don't have to..."
Her eyes blazed, and I drifted off.
"Ever since I came to New York, I've been scared," she said. "I guess it's been there my whole life, I just pretended like it wasn't. I acted like I was confident and I couldn't fail. But I know that's not true. And ever since I got here, I've been setting myself up for misery. You know how I ended up at that stupid porno audition? Because I never even bother submitting to the ones that seem too ambitious for me. I was going for something that seemed like it was on my level."
She smiled, bitterly, then went on.
"That's how I've been thinking, ever since I came. And when it seemed like you were about to start some roleplay, I freaked out. Because I'm afraid to do the one thing that I really want to do. If I suck at roleplay then I suck at acting, and if I suck at acting, it's all over."
She stopped, breathing quickly, and I found myself mesmerized by the rise and fall of her chest.
"Acting is all I have. It's all I've ever wanted to do. The stakes are too high - so I just run away from it. I have to stop running away, and I need your help to do it."
My heart was racing as I stared at her. Holy shit, she actually wanted it - and for the right reasons. She understood why I did what I did. She needed my discipline, wanted my discipline, and I was ready to give it to her.
Take a deep breath, Chase. Count to ten.
I had to consider the ramifications. We weren't really together. Sure, I wanted it to seem authentic, but this was going way, way too far.
But it was too late. I couldn't put a stop to this now.
"Are you sure?" I asked her.
She blinked, slowly.
"Yes."
There was no doubt in her voice, in her expression. Inside, I thrilled.
I fought to keep my face neutral. "All right," I said, slowly. "Give me a minute. Let me think up a suitable punishment."
She nodded, smiling a little. "Should I leave you alone?"
I shook my head. I was afraid if she walked out of the room, she'd never come back. Not that I thought this was some moment of insanity, but it certainly wasn't her usual thing. I didn't think she'd regret it. But given enough time, she might try to back out. Especially given her checkered past with the subject.