Hope suddenly felt her entire body being lifted up, as Jason sank into the couch and lifted her onto his lap. He ran his hand over her hair and kissed her forehead. His other hand ran up and down her back soothingly. “Christ! I’m sorry, Peaches. I didn’t know. I never imagined—” His voice broke, pain and anger both evident in his tone.
Hope buried her face against his shoulder. “I’d never been with a man willingly. I’d never wanted anyone enough.”
“You were still a virgin when it happened,” Jason stated in an anguished voice. “Fuck. I wish I could dig the bastard up and kill him again.” His voice started to vibrate violently, and he buried his face in her hair. “I’m sorry, Hope…so damn sorry. I should have f**king known something was wrong. I was too tied up in my emotions to see you. And I hate myself right now for that,” he choked out, his hold on her tighter. “I hate that you went through that all alone. Goddammit! Why wasn’t I there? Why wasn’t I there for you then?” He rocked her on his lap as his body quaked with emotion.
“It wasn’t your fault.” She let him comfort her, keep her safe in his arms. She hadn’t reconnected with David then, and they hadn’t been close. It felt so good to have someone, especially Jason, finally give her solace. Even though she was reliving the horrifying experience, she felt secure in his arms. “Nobody knew. It was a top-secret mission; there were no witnesses and the Indian police never found out. Only the American Embassy and the government were involved. It was an isolated area outside of a village. It was never leaked to the media, and I was grateful for that.” It had been horrifying enough without having to deal with a media circus.
“But you needed somebody then, sweetheart. You were all alone, damn it,” he rasped as he buried his face in her hair. “I’ve been a major bastard to you, Hope. I never knew. I never knew.” He rocked her harder, his grip on her body clingy and desperate.
The agony in his voice made Hope tremble and feel the volatility of his regret. “You didn’t know. And I’m glad you’re here now. I was alone, and it was hard. It’s easier now.”
“I won’t make you stay, Hope. And I’ll never threaten you again. I’ll do anything to make this up to you.”
Her heart clenched and she threaded her hands through his hair, giving him back the comfort he gave her so readily. “I want to stay.”
“Thank f**k,” he growled protectively. “I need to be with you. I want to show you I’m not an ass**le all the time.”
Hope smiled through her tears. “I know.”
“You’re not going to be alone. I’ll always be there for you from now on. Jesus, you’ve handled way too much on your own.” His body still quaked, and he still rocked her gently. “You need somebody, Hope. Let me be that man. Please.”
She didn’t just need somebody; she needed him. Instinctively, she knew that Jason was exactly what she needed. “I’m scared,” she admitted hesitantly.
“Christ. I’m sorry. The last thing I want is for you to be afraid of me. I just wanted you to want me,” he admitted huskily.
“I do. You’re the only man I’ve ever wanted this way. But hopefully you can understand that my fears took over. It wasn’t you I was rejecting. It was the act itself. I get flashbacks when it comes to actually being…penetrated. Or confined.” She was blunt. She needed to be for him to understand.
“I won’t touch you sexually again. I swear.”
It was the opposite of what she actually wanted, and somehow she needed to explain. She opened her mouth to tell him, but closed it when he spoke again.
“You could be dead. Just the fact that you’re here is a f**king miracle, that I can hold you like this.”
“I lived, Jason. I’m grateful for that.”
“You went back into the field again. Why?” He lifted his head to force her gaze to his, his expression still tormented.
Hope stared into his turbulent, troubled eyes. “I had to,” she confessed. “I went into a bad depression for a few months, terrified to leave my condo, scared of almost everything and everyone. But I finally decided that I couldn’t let him win. He told me he hated Americans; he spit on me. In the end, I needed to spit on those memories, to bury them. He was dead and I was still alive. I needed to really live, not just exist, in order to beat him. It was hard to go back, to travel again. But it got easier. I desperately needed to take my power back again, and I did when it came to doing my job.”
Hope took a deep breath, ready to try to explain what she wanted. “It’s just that I can’t seem to actually have sex. Honestly, I never even tried until you. There wasn’t a man who made me want those things. I think it’s the thought of being…invaded that freaks me out. All I remember is the pain, and it throws me back there again. Honestly, I haven’t wanted to do anything until you. I want you to help me, Jason. Help me get over my fears.” If Jason couldn’t do it, nobody could. She’d decided to ask him for help on her walk back to the guesthouse. She needed to get past her fear now that she knew that it was there, and the only man she wanted was Jason.
He gaped at her, concern in his eyes. “Hope, I can’t force you after—”
“I’m clean and I’m on birth control. After what happened, I take the Pill faithfully because I still travel internationally, and I know what can happen. Maybe that’s still a little paranoid. What are the chances that it will happen again? But it makes me feel safer. I was grateful I didn’t catch anything and I didn’t get pregnant. It isn’t that I’m not willing. I want you to understand that, understand why I went a little crazy last night. You know all of my secrets now. I want to stay with you for the next two weeks and try to get over this. When it’s over, we can go our separate ways, no matter what happens.” She almost choked on her words; it would be difficult to say goodbye, but she understood that she had to try. She might go her whole life without feeling the way she felt about Jason. This could be her only chance.
“You have to trust me, Hope. Really trust me,” Jason said huskily. He stroked her cheek, his eyes cryptic. “Now that I know what you went through, I’m scared, too. I don’t want to hurt you, and I don’t want you to suffer another minute of pain.”
“We don’t have any secrets anymore. I trust you. Do you still want me even though I’ve been…used?” She’d gone through years of feeling dirty and undesirable.