“I’m not sure who I am,” Asha answered earnestly, looking Devi directly in the eyes. “I was raised very conventional Indian, yet I was born in America to an American mother and a progressive Indian father. I’m American, yet I don’t feel like I am.”
“You’ll find your way. I’ll help you,” Devi said softly, extracting a business card from her purse and handing it to Asha. “If you can’t speak to me about it, you can talk to my colleague. She’s younger, but is an American with Indian blood just like you. It might be easier for you to talk to someone who never knew your father.” Devi stood. “I’m sorry I interrupted your Thanksgiving, but I couldn’t wait any longer to see you and repay you. I have to get back home. My husband is cooking our Thanksgiving dinner.”
“Another man in the kitchen,” Asha muttered.
Devi laughed softly. “Yes. And my son is helping him.”
Asha shook her head. “How did you get used to it? You were raised in India.”
“A little at a time,” Devi answered, amused. “It’s very easy to get used to once you’ve had the chance to be an equal partner, but it takes time to actually feel like one. Give yourself time, Asha. ”
Asha stood, realizing that at some point all of the men had joined them. After they all quickly introduced themselves, Max and Maddie walked Devi to the door, asking a few final questions about their mother. Asha started to follow, but was pulled up short by Kade, his arm tight around her waist.
“You okay?” he asked gruffly.
Was she okay? It was going to take awhile for her to process everything she’d just learned. She held up the check she had received from Devi. “I have money,” she answered flatly, not quite able to believe the funds actually belonged to her.
“I heard. We all tried to give you privacy, but we heard the doorbell from the kitchen and eavesdropped pretty shamelessly,” Kade said bluntly.
“My parents loved me, Kade. They cared,” she answered tearfully. God, that was the most astonishing thing of the whole afternoon. “My father was a progressive. He actually helped Indian women in trouble. He was a good man.”
“I know, sweetheart. Didn’t you already know he was a good man?” Kade said huskily, pulling Asha against his chest and cuddling her close.
If she was honest with herself, Asha had assumed that she was probably of little importance to him because she was a girl child, and that her father was like the other Indian men in her life.
Her dad had made it his mission to see women treated well—equally, even—and he had liberal values. He…an Indian man…had helped women in trouble so they could follow their dreams. She shook her head against Kade’s chest. “Not like that. I never imagined he was that good.”
As Kara, Simon, Sam, Travis, and Mia looked on, Asha rested her head against Kade’s chest and wept.
Chapter 10
Asha folded the last shirt she had bought for herself and placed it on the top of her new suitcase with a sigh. She hadn’t packed the clothes that Maddie and Mia had bought, thinking she’d work it out with them later. They were too extravagant, and she was pretty much a casual woman. Her jeans, sandals, and shirts were pretty much her norm. She was a painter, and the outfits weren’t something she’d normally wear. If she could get Maddie to take them back, her sister could get a refund. She hadn’t worn any of them except the red shirt.
Kade’s walls were complete, and she couldn’t kid herself anymore about leaving. There wasn’t one more wall that she could do in his home without causing it to be busy or over decorated. Since Thanksgiving two weeks ago, she’d cherished every moment that they had spent together, but it was time for her to go. He never mentioned anything beyond the moment when they were together, nothing about the future, and she was still broken. Kade deserved better, needed more than she could give him.
She’d seen Devi’s colleague, Dr. Miller, as a patient once a week for the last two weeks and had visited Devi and her family informally as a friend several times. She was slowly realizing just how brainwashed she’d become from her upbringing and her marriage. Even after she’d left her foster home and her marriage to Ravi, that programming had never left her brain. It took a conscious effort every day to reprogram her thinking, to realize that she was a strong woman who deserved so much more. It wasn’t going to happen overnight, but Asha liked to think she’d made a little progress.
After updating her website and posting her new phone number, she’d gotten tons of calls for new jobs, the large majority of them in Florida. No doubt it had something to do with news of her being Max and Maddie’s sister, but her calendar was becoming booked, and she’d accepted all the jobs in Florida. Now that she had the funds, she wanted to get a place to plant her feet, collect things and stop running.
Her soul was completely shattered, and walking away from Kade was going to be the hardest thing she’d ever had to do—probably the hardest thing she would ever have to do—but she knew she had to do it. Maybe someday the pieces of her soul would slowly fall back into place and become whole again. Right now, the pieces were so small she couldn’t see a single particle of it. There was just a black emptiness that was already haunting her, and she hadn’t even left Kade’s home yet.
“What are you doing?” a smooth baritone asked from the doorway.
Asha swung around, her heart leaping to her throat as she saw Kade, one hip propped against her door, his arms folded, and a puzzled look on his face. All he was wearing was a pair of jeans that rode low on his hips, leaving his incredible upper body bare. He looked freshly showered, his hair wet and sexily mussed. “Nothing…I was just getting my things together. I’m done with your house. There are no walls left for me to paint.” She averted her eyes, unable to watch him move across the room without wanting to throw herself in his arms.
“So you’re just planning on leaving. Just like that? Why?” he demanded, his arms encircling her waist as he stopped behind her.
Because I love you so much that I can’t bear it.
Because I’m afraid if I don’t leave now, I’ll lose any shred of dignity that I have left after my past.
Because I need you to love me back.
Asha stepped away from him, heading for the door. “I was going to make some breakfast,” she told him casually, ignoring his question.
Kade caught her as she got to the door. Backing her up against the wall, he pinned her there with his body. “Why?” he growled angrily. “Is this about the infertility thing? Dammit…talk to me. I’ll tell you a secret: I’ve never been sure that I wanted a child of my own. My father was a f**king lunatic and my gene pool sucks. I could just as easily adopt. Having a child with my DNA isn’t that important to me. Hell, I’ve never even really thought that seriously about having a kid, yet. I doubt I’d even make a decent father.”