I’m certainly no parenting expert, but speaking as the subject of a few Time Outs when I was a teenager, I must say there’s something very soothing about wailing and blubbering about the unfairness of life while under a fluffy blanket. You eventually get bored of your garbage and move your mouth to the edge of the blanket for more oxygen. Once you inhale that sweet, fresh air, you realize that’s what sanity tastes like, and you want sanity.*
*And you also want to eat your dinner, and not inside a blanket that smells like your breath.
“Your father eventually came around,” my mother said.
“I had no idea. He acted so calm when he was working on the contract.”
“Men guard their emotions. Their kind have many advantages in this world, from height and strength to writing their names in the snow, but they hide their feelings. Maybe it’s another advantage they have over us. I don’t know.”
The waitress came by to drop off our Diet Cokes and take our food order. We both asked for the beef dip with a side of horse radish. I never order the beef dip, unless I’m out with my mother. It had been too long since we’d gone out, just the two of us.
Once we were alone again, I asked my mother, “How do you get a guy to open up to you?”
“You have to listen. And what I mean by listen is you have to shut up on occasion.” She started to laugh. “I’m still working on that, but Aunt Gracie told me that trick on my wedding day, and she’s a wise lady.”
“You have to shut up?” I joined in with her laughter. “Sounds like more effort than it’s worth. I mean, how many feelings could they possibly have?”
She began laughing harder, tears at her eyes. “Men have plenty of feelings. There’s Sleepy and Grouchy and… wait, no, those are the seven dwarves.”
“Same difference.”
She howled with laughter. “Being sexist is so much fun.”
“Did I ever tell you about the he-man gorilla showdown, where Dalton cranked up the crazy airplane fans in his house?”
She wiped at her eyes with a napkin. “Maybe you shouldn’t. He’s going to be my son-in-law.”
“You should know what you’re getting into,” I said, then I relayed the entire story, including the bit where Dalton whispered something in Keith’s ear as we were leaving.
“Well?” Her eyes were big. “What did he say?”
“I don’t know.”
She sat back, crossing her arms. “That’s not much of a story, without the best part.”
“I’ll find out, Mom. I’ll tell you, unless it’s something gross.”
She made a face. “Now, about my dress,” she said, and we moved quickly into talking about wedding preparations.
The food came, and I was surprised by my hunger. The day of moving had been long, but sitting in the warm pub with my mother, as people came and went around us, pool balls clinking on the nearby pool table, everything in my life seemed to be working out for the best.
Basking in the warmth of my mother’s happy glow, I completely forgot the wedding was fake, and that I’d still be spending the rest of the week lugging around boxes of books with the other guy I was dating.
After the plates were cleared, my mother got out her phone to check for messages, and I did the same.
I had a new message from Dalton: Hey.
“Speak of the devil,” I said out loud.
“Is that your fiancé?” She put an extra-strong emphasis on the word fiancé.
“Yup, just my fiancé. Checking in.”
“Tell your fiancé I said hello.”
“I will tell my fiancé that!”
We went on for a bit, and the waitress who refilled our Diet Cokes must have thought we were crazy.
My hands were sweating as I wrote back: Your apology card was very sweet. I liked the frog.
Dalton: I took your advice about getting someone to help with my heartfelt speeches, but the card was the best I could do on short notice.
Me: I’m sorry I got so worked up in San Francisco.
Dalton: I need to ask you something.
Me: Ask me. Don’t ask me if you can ask me. You’re killing me with the suspense.
Dalton: Would you bring your family this weekend to a winery I have booked for us? I want your people to meet my people.
Me: Do you mean meet your family?
Dalton: Yes.
I must have started breathing funny and making a face, because my mother asked what was going on.
I explained, “Dalton wants to have you and Dad go on a trip this weekend, to a winery. We’ll meet his family. I don’t know what that means. His mother… well, she died a while back. And I didn’t think he was speaking to his father, but I guess they’ve sorted things out.”
She nodded. “A wedding, like babies, can bring people together. Weddings are as much for the extended family as for the young couple. If it wasn’t for weddings, we’d only see each other at funerals.”
“Dark, Mom. Really dark.”
“His father was in a lot of those adult movies. Do you think he’s proud that his son has done so well at acting? It can be difficult for a parent, when their child does too well. We all hope for the best for our kids, but… we don’t want them to be ashamed of us.”
“Please, Mom. Tell me you haven’t watched any of his father’s p**n o movies. Or his mother’s.” I made a gagging face.
She rolled her eyes and feigned innocence. “I wouldn’t even know where to look for such a thing.”
“When you meet him, don’t ask about p**n o stuff.”
“What if the wrong words slip out of my mouth? Like I try to compliment him on his pants, and instead, I say he has a nice penis.”
I smirked. “Easy. Just avoid all P-words.”
“What about C-words? Hey there, nice to meet you. That’s a nice c**k you drove up here. How’s the mileage on that cock?”
“You know what, Mom? Maybe just pull him aside immediately and get all that out of the way. Tell him how much you enjoy getting rogered.”
She nodded along, oblivious to my sarcasm. “Perhaps he could give your father some tips.”
“Yes, Mom. Definitely ask my future father-in-law for p**n o sex tips on behalf of Dad.”
“Oh, I don’t know. I wouldn’t want him to think I was weird.”
I swirled my straw in my drink and took another sip, patiently waiting for her to move on to other topics.
CHAPTER 25