"Julia Forman, please."
"Please hold." Some classical music, then another voice. "Ms. Forman's office."
I recognized Carol, her assistant. "Carol, it's Jack."
"Oh, hi, Mr. Forman. How are you?"
"I'm fine, thanks."
"Are you looking for Julia?"
"Yes, I am."
"She's in Nevada for the day, at the fab plant. Shall I try to connect you there?"
"Yes, please."
"One moment."
I was put on hold. For quite a while.
"Mr. Forman, she's in a meeting for the next hour. I expect her to call back when it breaks up. Do you want her to call you?"
"Yes, please."
"Do you want me to tell her anything?"
"No," I said. "Just ask her to call."
"Okay, Mr. Forman."
I hung up, stared into space, turning the SSVT box. She's in Nevada for the day. Julia had said nothing to me about going to Nevada. I replayed the conversation with Carol in my mind. Had Carol sounded uncomfortable? Was she covering? I couldn't be sure. I couldn't be sure of anything now. I stared out the window and as I watched, the sprinklers kicked on, shooting up cones of spray all over the lawn. It was right in the heat of midday, the wrong time to water. It wasn't supposed to happen. The sprinklers had been fixed just the other day. I began to feel depressed, staring at the water. It seemed like everything was wrong. I had no job, my wife was absent, the kids were a pain, I felt constantly inadequate dealing with them-and now the fucking sprinklers weren't working right. They were going to burn out the fucking lawn.
And then the baby began to cry.
I waited for Julia to call, but she never did. I cut up chicken breasts into strips (the trick is to keep them cold, almost frozen) for dinner, because chicken fingers were another meal they never argued about. I got out rice to boil. I looked at the carrots in the fridge and decided that even though they were a little old, I'd still use them tonight. I cut my finger while I was chopping the carrots. It wasn't a big cut but it bled a lot, and the Band-Aid didn't stop the bleeding. It kept bleeding through the pad, so I kept putting on new Band-Aids. It was frustrating.
Dinner was late and the kids were cranky. Eric complained loudly that my chicken fingers were gross, that McDonald's were way better, and why couldn't we have those? Nicole tried out various line readings for her play, while Eric mimicked her under his breath. The baby spit up every mouthful of her cereal until I stopped and mixed it with some mashed banana. After that, she ate steadily. I don't know why I never thought to do that before. Amanda was getting older, and she didn't want the bland stuff anymore.
Eric had left his homework at school; I told him to call his friends for the assignment, but he wouldn't. Nicole was online for an hour with her friends; I kept popping into her room and telling her to get off the computer until her homework was done, and she'd say, "In just a minute, Dad." The baby fussed, and it took a long time for me to get her down. I went back into Nicole's room and said, "Now, damn it!" Nicole began to cry. Eric came in to gloat. I asked him why he wasn't in bed. He saw the look on my face, and scampered away. Sobbing, Nicole said I should apologize to her. I said she should have done what I told her to do twice before. She went into the bathroom and slammed the door. From his room, Eric yelled, "I can't sleep with all that racket!"
I yelled back, "One more word and no television for a week!"
"Not fair!"
I went into the bedroom and turned on the TV to watch the rest of the game. After half an hour, I checked on the kids. The baby was sleeping peacefully. Eric was asleep, all his covers thrown off. I pulled them back on him. Nicole was studying. When she saw me, she apologized. I gave her a hug.
I went back into the bedroom, and watched the game for about ten minutes before I fell asleep.
DAY 5
7:10 A.M.
When I awoke in the morning, I saw that Julia's side of the bed was still made up, her pillow uncreased. She hadn't come home last night at all. I checked the telephone messages; there were none. Eric wandered in, and saw the bed. "Where's Mom?"
"I don't know, son."
"Did she leave already?"
"I guess so ..."
He stared at me, and then at the unmade bed. And he walked out of the room. He wasn't going to deal with it.
But I was beginning to think I had to. Maybe I should even talk to a lawyer. Except in my mind, there was something irrevocable about talking to a lawyer. If the trouble was that serious, it was probably fatal. I didn't want to believe my marriage was over, so I wanted to postpone seeing a lawyer.
That was when I decided to call my sister in San Diego. Ellen is a clinical psychologist, she has a practice in La Jolla. It was early enough that I figured she hadn't gone to the office yet; she answered the phone at home. She sounded surprised I had called. I love my sister but we are very different. Anyway, I told her briefly about the things I'd been suspecting about Julia, and why.
"You're saying Julia didn't come home and she didn't call?"
"Right."
"Did you call her?"
"Not yet."
"How come?"
"I don't know."
"Maybe she was in an accident, maybe she's hurt ..."
"I don't think so."
"Why not?"
"You always hear if there's an accident. There's no accident."
"You sound upset, Jack."
"I don't know. Maybe."
My sister was silent for a moment. Then she said, "Jack, you've got a problem. Why aren't you doing something?"