Dorotea's eyes flickered back to him, hot for a half second, before her mouth turned up into a slow, tired smile. "You can't give me an order, sir. You aren't the captain of the Free Aleran. My orders come from him."
"But I can order him," Tavi said testily. "Bloody crows, what does a man have to do to get a little respect around here? Am I the First Lord or not?"
Dorotea's smile widened, and she bowed her head. "Very well. Your Majesty. There are guards around and over and quite likely under the tent. But speak, and they will be here."
"Thank you."
Tavi waited until she had left to ease himself out of the tub. He felt shaky, but no worse than he had any of a number of other times he'd endured a healer's attentions. He climbed out without help and found a clean set of clothes laid out for him.
Tavi got dressed, though it was painful to bend at the waist. The strange sword he had been stabbed with had left an equally strange scar, a stiff ridge of nearly purple tissue, and the area around it was exquisitely tender. He slid into his pants and belted his tunic on cautiously. A quick spike of pain went through him and made him clench his teeth over suddenly frozen breath.
The awareness of a gaze upon him made Tavi look back, and he found Crassus awake again, bleary eyes focused on him.
"M' mother," Crassus said. "She was alive. And you didn't t-tell me."
Tavi stared at his friend in pure shock. It was true. He hadn't. Antillus Dorotea had been a traitor to the Realm, along with her brother, High Lord Kalarus. She had been snapped up for her talents in the slave rebellion that had followed the destruction of Kalarus and the chaos in Kalaran lands, and no one had known or cared who she was - only what she could do. Had he brought her true identity to light, it would have forced him to bring charges against her as well. More importantly, she had all but begged him not to tell her husband or her son that she had survived. Trapped in a slave collar that could not be removed without killing her, it was, in a sense, true. The woman who had plotted against the Realm would never return.
She had saved Crassus once before, when he was unconscious, but he had never wakened during the procedure, and she had been gone before he was awake again. She never left the Free Aleran camp or train and had hidden virtually in plain sight for the past years.
But this time Crassus had seen her.
Crassus's eyes burned. "Didn't tell me."
"She asked me not to," Tavi said quietly.
Crassus squeezed his eyes shut, as if in agony. Given his injuries, there was every chance that he was - even without other considerations. "Get away from me, Octavian."
"Rest," Tavi said. "We'll talk, later, when this is all - "
"Get out!" Crassus snarled. "How could you? Get out."
He dropped back down, wheezing, and was asleep again, or unconscious, within seconds.
Tavi sat down on the stool Dorotea had vacated, shaking. He lowered his head to his hands and just sat there for a moment. Crows take it. He had never wanted this. And yet, it had been such a small worry among so many others. Truth be told, he'd barely thought about it. And now, the lie he'd felt he had no other choice than to make might have cost him the love and respect of a friend.
"Such a small concern, for a man with your problems," said Alera quietly.
Tavi looked up to see the great fury, appearing as she usually did, but this time also covered in a misty grey cloak and hood that hid all of her features but her face. Her gemstone eyes were calm and gently amused.
"I don't have so many friends that I can't be worried about losing one," Tavi said quietly. He looked at Max, silent and still in his tub. "Or more."
Alera regarded him steadily.
"I saw Foss die. I saw what was going to happen seconds before it did, and I just wasn't fast enough. I couldn't stop the Queen. He died. She killed so many people. And they died for nothing. She escaped. I failed them."
"She is most formidable. You knew that."
"That doesn't matter," Tavi said quietly, his voice growing harsh. "It was my responsibility. My duty. I know not everyone survives a war, but by the furies, I will not see my men give their lives for nothing." His throat tightened, and he bowed his head. "I... I wonder. I wonder if I am the right man for this work. If I had... if I had learned more, if I had been given more time to practice, if I had practiced harder..."
"You wonder if it would have made a difference," Alera said.
"Yes."
She considered the question gravely. Then she sat down on the floor beside the stool, folding her legs beneath her. "There's no way to be certain of things that never took place."
"I know."
"You agree. Yet you still feel that way about it."
Tavi nodded. They were both silent for a time.
"Good men," she said quietly, "must feel as you do. Or they are not good men."
"I don't understand."
Alera smiled. "A good man, almost by definition, would seriously question any decisions he made that led to such terrible consequences for others. Especially if those others trusted him. Would you agree?"
"Yes."
"Would you agree that you are fallible?"
"I feel it is manifestly obvious."
"Would you agree that the world is a dangerous and unfair place?"
"Of course."
"Then there you have it," Alera said. "Someone must command. But no one who does so is perfect. He will, therefore, make mistakes. And, since the world is dangerous and unfair, it is inevitable that some of those mistakes will eventually have consequences like those today."
"I can hardly dispute your reasoning," Tavi said quietly. "But I do not see your point."
"It is quite obvious, young Gaius," Alera said, smiling, her eyes wrinkling at the corners. "The logic is indisputable: You are a good man."
Tavi lifted his eyebrows. "What has that to do with anything?"
"In my experience?" she asked. "A very great deal. Perhaps Kitai will explain it to you later."
Tavi shook his head. "You saw the battle?"
"Of course."
"Is the Queen as strong as you believed her to be?"
"Not at all," Alera said.
"Oh?"
"She is stronger," the great fury said calmly. "And she handles herself almost as well as you do. Someone has been giving her lessons."
Tavi nodded ruefully. "I noticed." He shook his head. "I... I can't believe anything could be so powerful. So fast."