He looked back at me, his perfect face pale "No, Emma. I'm sorry, but I'm not as strong as you. I need to go back."
Irritated, I let out, "You not knowing won't make it any less real, Ben."
He shook his highlighted head at me. "I know that. But, in this case, ignorance is better." Teren exhaled softly and Ben ran a hand through his hair and looked back at him, still staring at the ground. "I can't sleep, Teren. Every bump, every dark corner...I just keep wondering what else is out there."
He sighed and put a hand on Teren's shoulder, as Teren finally looked up. "It's not you...it's the possibilities you represent." He pointed outside, to the house Teren had been interested in last night. "I mean, just walking over here, I thought I saw something in the shadows." He brought both hands to his face and leaned over his knees. "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, I just can't live this way."
He stayed bent over while I fumed silently, more angry over Teren's loss than Ben's choice. Teren only sighed again and put his hand on Ben's back. "Okay, Ben. I'll have Halina fix this. You won't remember a thing."
I straightened in my seat, wondering just how much Teren was planning on taking. If he took everything of Ben's memory, then he'd have to take Tracey's too; we'd spent too much time as a foursome. I suddenly realized that by marrying him, I'd sort of signed away all of my relationships too. Teren noticed my rigidness, but didn't comment. Ben looked up, cringing. "She freaks me out, man." Teren smiled softly and Ben added, "How much will she erase? Will I even remember you?"
Teren sighed and looked at him for achingly long moments. I thought he was debating right now if he should just end the friendship. I felt those tears from earlier slide down my cheeks. Finally, he softly said, "I'll only take the day of the wedding." He left it at that, but I could clearly hear the part he didn't say...for now.
Ben didn't catch it and instantly brightened, relief filling his gorgeous face. "Oh, thank you. I was hoping we'd still be..." He swallowed and looked down, suddenly not able to look at Teren anymore. "You hate me, right? Think I'm weak." He glanced at him out of the corner of his eye.
Teren smiled and patted his back. "No, Ben. I understand. You're not the first who couldn't handle knowing."
Ben nodded and glanced at me sheepishly before turning back to Teren. "I'm really sorry, you guys. I wish I could..." He sighed and shrugged.
Teren stood, extending a hand to Ben, who stood and clasped it in a friendly shake. Friendly, but businesslike. Teren smiled at Ben and told him it was okay again, that he understood and wasn't angry. A part of me wanted to tell him that too, but a bitter part of me just thought Ben should man up and deal with it, and for now, I listened to that part. I stayed on the couch, arms crossed over my chest, not wanting to share in the warm goodbyes. Teren deserved having a friend that loved him for him, and everything that entailed.
After a swift goodbye, Teren told him, "I'll line up a meeting with Halina. It may take a little bit though. Will you be okay until then?"
Ben smiled nervously, but nodded. I frowned, knowing that Halina would come right now if Teren called for her. He was still giving his friend a chance, still holding out hope that Ben might choose to know him, rather than not know him. Ben sputtered apologies again and then sheepishly backed out of the room. I said nothing as he left, barely even acknowledging his hasty exit. I was still too busy being pissed off for Teren, since he didn't appear to be.
After showing him out, Teren came back to the living room and sat down in the same spot on the couch. He was silent, looking composed, and staring straight ahead of himself. I thought to say something, just didn't know what. Then a low sob broke from his lips. After that, it was like he crumbled, his head dropping into his hands as he started lightly crying. I was at his side immediately, holding him, stroking his back and murmuring sympathies.
Mentally I cursed Ben for finding us, for walking into that room. I silently berated him for freaking out and for wanting to forget, for hurting Teren with his rejection. But I couldn't completely hate him, not even when Teren gave up stoicism and sought comfort from me, laying his head in my lap and sniffling back his pain. Even then, I couldn't hate Ben. I couldn't hate him, because I sort of understood him. I understood his fear anyway. Sometimes I even shared it.
I just loved Teren enough to deal with it.
Chapter 9 Changes
Teren put off dealing with Hot Ben for much longer than I thought he would. In fact, I was well into my fourth month, with an adorably cute baby bump on me, and he still hadn't done anything about it. His optimism that his friend would come around tore me a little, especially since Ben asked him every time we all four got together, when Halina was going to see him. Ben was starting to get a little worried that the longer it went on, the greater the possibility that she couldn't help him anymore.
With a harsh swallow at the fact that Ben considered memory loss a "help", Teren assured him that that wasn't how it worked. That if she wanted, she could convince him that he didn't even know his own mother. That line didn't make Ben appear any more comfortable. He actually looked worse and worse every time I saw him. His normally gorgeous face started thinning out. Deep circles started to appear under his eyes and his skin had the sallow look of someone who woke up every ten minutes at night. He seemed to have been genuinely honest with Teren when he'd told him that he couldn't sleep anymore.
Tracey didn't understand the physical or emotional changes in her boyfriend, and had started to do what most women in her case would do. She started to think it was her. We had multiple conversations that involved me assuring her that he was still head over heels in love with her, that he wasn't liar and he definitely wasn't a cheater. I was pretty sure she didn't believe me on that last part, and it didn't help the matter any that Ben had a habit of asking Teren about Halina right in front of her. Tracey was convinced that her boyfriend was sleeping with the sensual woman. I really couldn't blame her for coming up with that explanation. Hot Ben was different - moodier and quieter, more introverted, and always looking over his shoulder whenever we went out. I was a little surprised that Tracey hadn't come up with drugs too, as he was starting to act like some paranoid meth addict.
I felt horrible about the whole thing, especially when Tracey replayed some of their fights to me. They'd never really fought before, and now it was becoming a more and more common thing. Honestly, I was getting a little scared for them, for how long they could make it through this stress, but, stubborn as always, Teren still wouldn't call Halina.
"Teren, he looks awful. I know you want his support, but you can't force this." I sat on the bed rubbing my expanding belly as Teren calmly changed his clothes. He looked at me in the vanity mirror over his dresser, but didn't answer. I watched his jaw tighten with tension though, and knew him well enough to know that he wanted me to drop this.
I got up off the bed and walked up behind him, slipping my arms around his waist from behind. He'd just taken off his work shirt, and my body shivered a little as I clung to his, the bump of our children touching him before any other part of my torso. He smiled, wrapping one hand over the both of mine and bringing the other around behind himself to slip between us, feeling my stomach. Laying my head on his shoulder, I met eyes with him in the mirror. "You can't keep avoiding this. It's cruel to him."
My irritation with Hot Ben's choice had faded away as the physical symptoms of his stress had started to show. He really couldn't handle knowing that the myths were true, and Teren keeping ignorance from him, really was kind of cruel. Teren hung his head, his fingers over my hands on his stomach tightening. "I know," he whispered. He looked up at me, his eyes almost pleading with me. "I just can't yet, Emma."
He didn't say please, but I could feel the word in the air. He wanted time. He wanted Ben to know, and to eventually find peace with it. I bit my lip, resisting the urge to tell him that Ben would never be okay with the knowledge, and he should just let it go. Teren eventually had to let everyone go...but, right now, he needed this. Plus, as time went by, Ben had actually started talking to Teren about his life. They would sit on our couch, Teren's face animated as he went over aspects of what he could do. He wasn't bragging to Hot Ben or anything, he was just relieved to be able to finally tell him the stories he kept bottled up. Like, that one of the rainbows they'd caught last camping trip, he'd heard coming up the stream and had plucked it out with his bare hand while Ben had had his back turned. Or how he knows that the waitress at a bar we frequently go to (since Teren could fake drinking better than he could fake eating) had a major crush on Ben; apparently her heart started racing whenever Ben was near her. Ben listened to all of this with his head in his hands over his knees, looking both intrigued and freaked out.
One of my hands moving to Teren's shoulder, I rubbed his skin warm and then kissed it. "Okay, but if he keeps asking, you need to do it." I raised my eyebrow at him pointedly. "For him, if not for you and the others."
I kissed his shoulder again and then released him. He sighed as we pulled apart and then nodded. Merrily I said, "I'm going to go get a snack." I grinned and he shook his head at me. I was starting to "snack" on a more and more frequent basis. I rationalized it as I was eating for three, but really, I just loved having an excuse to eat nearly a half gallon of ice cream nightly.
Massaging my protruding stomach again as I walked downstairs, I marveled at how amazing the human body is. Currently, I was incubating two lives inside my own. That was a little miraculous to me. And now that the horrid morning - no, more accurately, "anytime throughout the day" sickness was over with (I hadn't tossed my cookies in two solid weeks, so I had my fingers crossed), I was feeling pretty good about this pregnancy thing.
My clothes had tightened up on me dramatically once the wedding was over, almost like the two realized that they didn't need to hide anymore, and they were free to grow like weeds. Teren had taken me shopping for a whole new maternity wardrobe. Yeah, it was as amazingly fun as that sounds! So with a stomach that looked like I'd swallowed a cantaloupe, although Teren would say bowling ball, I reveled in my new incredibly comfortable, super-stretchy, body-concealing clothes (I still hadn't told Clarice yet).
As I made an obscenely huge bowl of peppermint ice cream and loaded up on the chocolate sauce, I was feeling really, really good about this pregnancy thing. I grabbed my bowl and sat on the couch, flipping on the TV to some reality show that didn't require any brain cells to follow. I thought enough during the day, I didn't want to have to do it while relaxing. The creamy goodness hit my tongue and I sighed contently. I smiled, knowing Teren would hear that happy sigh. I liked knowing that he knew when I was happy. And I was frequently happy. Sure, my life was more complicated now, being married to an undead vampire and all, but the underlying emotion I felt every day, was happiness.
I giggled and kicked my feet against the couch cushions like a five year old. Above the noise of the TV, I started hearing a scratching sound. Curious, I set down my ice cream and went to check it out. Walking past the table in the kitchen, I headed to a small hall that held the laundry room and a bathroom. The sharp, clicking noise was coming from the laundry room, so I stepped in there.