"Yeah...I kinda like it." Okay, I really, really like it, but no need to creep her out, if she wasn't already.
Ashley shrugged. "Not something I'd peg you for, but all right." She took a sip of her soda and then eyed me critically. "You're being careful about it?" I scrunched my brows, confused. She sighed. "Emma...he's a..." She looked around at the semi-crowded diner, and at the couple of people staring at her, and she didn't finish her statement. Instead she said, "You're kind of playing with fire, if you know what I mean."
I cringed at her choice of words, but I did understand what she meant. She was worried about him losing control and killing me. Not something every sister has to worry about.
"He would never harm me, Ash. He wouldn't even do it at all, if I didn't ask him to, and he barely..." I looked around as well and lowered my already soft voice. "He barely takes any when he does it. No need to worry about me."
Ashley sighed but nodded as she took another sip of her drink. I thought again of my horrid conversation/fight with Teren about changing her. I wondered if I should tell Ash about it. Should I even bring up the idea, if Teren was so dead set against it, if it wasn't really an option? Should I give her that hope, if there was none? Although, Teren was not the only vampire-mix that I knew of... I stopped that thought right in its track. The surest way to end our relationship would be to have another member of his family turn Ashley behind his back. No, if it was going to happen...he had to be the one to do it, or at least okay it.
To get my mind off of what I really wanted to talk to her about, I mentioned the other thing that had been getting bigger and bigger in my head every day. "Teren's family wants us to have a baby...and I'm thinking about doing it."
She spat up her drink and started coughing. "Are you crazy, Emma?" She coughed some more and wiped her mouth. "You've been together what, three, four months now? Are you going to marry him? Can vamp...can he even have children?"
I waited until her coughing eased before I answered. I didn't know how to say this...she didn't know he was dying. Teren's blunt way was too harsh, too final sounding. I needed a gentler way. "Well, I don't know about the marriage part yet, but...because of what he is, he only has a few more months where he can make a child. After that, he'll be essentially sterile. We can't risk the exposure of going to a fertility clinic, so, if we're going to..." I shrugged.
Her patchwork face turned sympathetic. "Wow...so you really have to decide your whole future now, or you'll lose it forever, won't you?" She put a hand on my arm. "You could always adopt later, Emma."
Fanged, black-haired children danced in my brain while I thought about that. "It's not that simple...and the family really wants to keep the line alive." I gave her a pointed look. "Their lineage is special."
She nodded and sat back in her chair, her scarred hand rubbing her lip. "You're right...it's not that simple."
I smiled weakly and shrugged again. "What do I do? It may already be too late. It can take a while to get pregnant, and I've been on pills...we don't have the luxury of time."
Ashley dropped her hand to her lap as she thought. "I don't know. But if you do decide to get pregnant, it should be because the both of you want a child, not to please his family or keep his heritage alive."
I nodded and found myself dabbing sudden tears from the corner of my eyes. Interesting...was I crying over the idea of having his child, or the idea of never having his child? I found myself thinking about those tears all throughout my day. And you know how sometimes when you're dwelling on something, everything around you suddenly relates to the thing you're dwelling on? That was my day.
Everywhere I looked while I drove back to work, I saw mothers pushing strollers. Then Tracey told me about Hot Ben's sixteen-year-old cousin that just got knocked up; she was still claiming she was a virgin. Likely story that. Every other cubicle I passed as I left work had a baby picture prominently displayed in it. Some man in the lobby was congratulating another man, whose wife had just given birth to a healthy, happy eight-pound baby boy. I passed not one, not two, but three cars with those yellow "Baby on Board" signs. And lastly, on the drive back home, I saw a black-haired, pale-eyed little boy playing at the park. He so easily could have been Teren's, that I almost stopped the car to ask the mother who the father was. I think my biological clock started ticking on that drive home.
Teren picked me up a couple of hours later to go see a movie with Tracey and Ben. I considered what to say to him on the way to the theater. I settled for silence, because I still wasn't sure exactly what I was feeling. A pregnant woman in line behind us made me sigh in annoyance. Maybe thinking I was lonely, Teren grabbed my hand, and pulled me tight to him. I wasn't sure exactly what I was, but I was definitely something.
Tracey and Hot Ben sat in the row in front of us, holding hands and occasionally kissing each other. I sighed again, and not because my boyfriend wasn't equally attentive, he was, he was currently kissing my neck, but I think I sighed because of the endless amount of time Tracey had to consider her future with Ben. I felt my future tightening around me every minute.
We watched the movie with our hands clasped together, and during a birthing scene-of course-I searched Teren's face. His eyes were infinitesimally glowing in the dim light of the theater, but he was just casually watching the screen. If he was having any thoughts on what he was seeing, that he was maybe correlating to his own life, I wasn't seeing that debate in his features. Eventually, he noticed my attention, and he turned to smile at me. I smiled back, gave him a light kiss, and laid my head on his shoulder, determined to make it through the damn movie without that clock vibrating my entire body.
I tried to change the direction of my thoughts on the way home, by talking about my day. "I had lunch with Ashley today."
Teren glanced over at me with the corner of his eye, and I was clearly getting the Don't bring up changing her vibe, as he softly said, "Oh...yeah."
I bit back the frustration; that heavy, barred, steel-bolted, locked door was never going to be reopened. He just wouldn't even discuss turning Ashley again, and I knew better than to bring it up. Well, I knew better than to directly bring it up. "I'm not trying to start anything...but...why wouldn't Halina change Ashley? Not that I'd ask her to," I quickly tossed out, when I noticed his glance had turned into a full on glare. "I would just like to understand."
His expression softened as he gazed at me a moment, then he turned his attention back to the road. "Great-Gran never asked for this life. It changed everything for her. Her husband, a normal existence for her daughter...never being able to see the sun again. She misses that...everyday." He returned his eyes to me; they were full of compassion. "She won't bring another person into her torment. She just...won't."
We passed the street before mine, and I noticed a pair of new parents, beaming as they opened the front door of their house-a car seat was carefully cradled between their arms. Well, wasn't that peachy? I just couldn't seem to get away from this today. "Then why do they want a child? Isn't that bringing another person into the life?"
He shook his head and gazed back to the road. "Being mixed is different than being full." He flicked a glance at me and shrugged. "Look at me. I enjoy nearly everything a human does-sun, silver, a regular job and a regular life." Yeah, just a regular Joe...only with no more heartbeat in a few more months.
Teren bit his lip and was very quiet as he pulled down my street, and into my drive. I could see that he was thinking of something he wanted to tell me, but either he didn't know how to say it, or he didn't know how I'd react to it.
"What?" I asked.
Turning the car off, he twisted in his seat to face me. "The day I told you...the day you saw my teeth, you made a comment that was..." he smiled warmly at me, "right on the money."
I scrunched my brows, trying to remember that conversation; a lot had been said and done that night. He explained when he saw my confusion. "You said that I should marry a full vampire and have a child with her, if I didn't want to dilute the line. Having a child with an undead vampire isn't actually possible, but...your theory is what my family is hoping for."
I tried to grasp what he was saying but I couldn't quite get there. Teren filled in the blanks for me. "They are hoping that one day, if we keep having children with humans...the vampirism will genetically fade out, and they'll be..."
"Human," I breathed, suddenly understanding.
He nodded, his expression serious. "Yes. They want our line to be human again."
I stared at him with a blank expression that must have looked like confusion to him, but I suddenly knew exactly what I wanted. "I'll do it," I said calmly, no trace of indecision in my voice. Now he scrunched his face, confused. "I'll have your baby," I explained. "We'll try...anyway."
Teren immediately shook his head. "That's not why I told you. You don't have to..."
I grabbed his hand and held it with both of mine. "That's not why I want to. Well, it's not the only reason." A bright smile stretched across my face as I squeezed his hand. "I'm yours, forever, and I want this with you. I want a family with you." I searched his eyes, as I felt mine welling up. "I want to carry on your line, and I want to do it before it's too late."
His gaze softened as stared at me. "Have you been thinking about this a lot?"
"Yes...in the back of my mind." Remembering my day, I shook my head. "But today...I kept seeing signs everywhere and I don't know-it just feels like I'm supposed to do this, like we're supposed to do this."
His eyes narrowed as he studied my resolved expression. "Are you sure?"
"Yes," I firmly stated. He was still solemn and I frowned. "Don't you want to have a baby with me?"
He stared into my eyes for a long time without responding. I felt the entire world slip away as our gazes locked. Time stood still and for the moment, the only thing that mattered was this perfectly starry night, and my vampire and me beneath it, safe and secluded in his quiet car. And of course...his answer, which he finally gave me.
"Yes."
The next day I was giddy to tell someone about Teren's and my crazy plan to jumpstart our family. I was all smiles as I sat in my teeny cubicle and listened to Clarice boss me around. I wanted to shout at her, "Guess what? I just tossed out my birth control pills this morning!" I didn't, though.
I poked my head over the wall at Tracey once Clarice left, but Tracey looked glum so I didn't mention my pregnancy plan. She explained that last night, after the movie, she and Ben had gone out for drinks and he had told her that he loved her. Now, for most girls, hearing a really cute, sweet boy say those words, would be cause for celebration, but for Tracey...well, I could almost hear the funeral march on poor Hot Ben and his misguided heart.
I encouraged her that that was a good thing, and they would surely work out and have a great life together. Wasn't I peppy, optimism girl today? She nodded, said "sure," and then went back to staring at her computer, brooding. I knew that before the end of the day, she would have a list of reasons why he just wasn't right for her. They wouldn't make it to the weekend.