Holy crap! Did I say that out loud?? I look around quickly and breathe a sigh of relief. Thank god. I didn’t.
“What the hell have you done?” Rick snaps at me as he approaches us. He doesn’t care that we are in the middle of a crowded waiting room or that his daughter is standing with me.
“Nothing. Your girlfriend stepped behind my car while I was backing out,” I answer firmly.
“Bull shit,” Rick barks. He reaches us and bends down to kiss Vanessa on the lips and strokes her platinum blonde hair.
“Are you alright, pumpkin?” he croons to her and I seriously fight the urge to vomit. Pumpkin? What is she? Twelve? Oh, wait. She is. Or she might as well be.
She shows him her broken fingernail and her swollen foot and whimpers pathetically.
Rick straightens up and turns back to me.
“Are you satisfied?” he demands. “You wanted to get back at me and now you have. But you didn’t have to assault Vanessa to do it.”
“Rick, that’s ridiculous—“ I begin.
“Dad,” Sophie interrupts. “I was there. Mom didn’t do it on purpose. Vanessa stepped behind our car. It was an accident.”
Rick whirls around, glaring at her. “Sophie, stay out of this. Your mother has done a terrible thing. I can’t believe that you would defend her.”
I stare at him incredulously.
“A terrible thing? If, by terrible, you mean that I picked your teeny-bopper girlfriend off of the pavement after she stepped in front of my already-moving vehicle and twisted her ankle because she was wearing stilts to go shopping in, before I practically carried her to my backseat and drove her across town to the hospital where I got her checked in and settled into the waiting room to wait for you… then yes, you’re right. I did a terrible thing. If you meant anything else, then you’re insane. Have a good day, Rick.”
I brush past him and start to walk away and he calls from behind me.
“Look forward to hearing from our lawyer. You’re going to have a lawsuit on your hands for this.”
I am startled and freeze. I count to five and take deep breaths so that I don’t turn around and kill them both. I turn slowly while silently applauding my Herculean restraint.
“Rick, you’re an idiot. There are video cameras in the mall parking lot. I am certain that any jury or judge in America would decide that I didn’t do anything wrong. They will see your girlfriend step behind me and will see that it was an accident. They will also see that your girlfriend is practically a child, so every female on the jury will agree with me anyway, just on principle. But if you want to pursue it, then by all means do so. Whatever floats your boat, because we both know that you’re having some problems in that area.”
Oh, burn! The look on Rick’s face is priceless. And I should feel guilty for saying those things in front of Sophie, but I’m too mad to think clearly. I turn to leave and Sophie joins me.
I look at her in surprise as Rick demands that she stay. She turns to him.
“I changed my mind, dad. I don’t want to spend the weekend with you. Not until you learn to treat mom better.”
She turns on her heel and walks for the car. I am stunned. Stupefied. Speechless.
“Oh, perfect. Now look what you’ve done,” Rick sneers. “You’ve turned my daughter against me.”
I’m stunned again and speechless. This is a record for me. Twice in one minute.
“Rick, you did that all on your own.”
I turn on my own heel. I’m only regretful of one thing and that is wearing this stupid sweatshirt. It would be nice if I looked hot as hell in this moment, instead of frumpy and overheated. But oh well. There’s nothing to be done for it.
I meet Sophie at my car.
She’s got her ear-buds back in. I get in and turn to her, reaching over and pulling one ear-bud out.
“Sophie, you don’t have to take sides. Your dad is your dad and I’m your mom. Our issues aren’t your issues.”
She looks at me like I’ve suddenly grown two heads and have begun wearing her cast-off clothing from last year.
“Are you insane?” she asks, her voice high-pitched. “Dad was being a dick. And I don’t like being around dicks.”
I automatically start to tell her not to call her father a dick. But he is being a dick. And we might as well call a dick a dick. So I shut my mouth and simply turn the car for home.
“Aren’t we going to lunch?” Sophie pipes up, lifting her head from the passenger window.
“Seriously? After all of that, you’re still thinking of food?”
She stares at me blankly. I sigh.
“You’re such a teenager.”
She smiles. “But I’m your teenager.”
She knows exactly how to make me melt. She’s a wily one, my daughter.
I take her to our favorite Chinese place where we gorge ourselves on Kung Pao chicken and then share a molten double chocolate volcano for dessert.
We are laughing by now and have completely forgotten about Rick the Dick’s bad behavior.
“I’m just glad that Vanessa’s fake boobs didn’t pop,” Sophie giggles as she takes a bite of chocolate sauce. “They would have felt that explosion all the way in Japan. It might have caused another Tsunami.”
I can’t help but laugh before I tell her not to joke about Tsunamis. She rolls her eyes.
“I’m not. I’m being serious. An explosion of that magnitude would probably trigger some sort of natural disaster somewhere. Maybe an avalanche in the Rockies or something. No lie.”
I chuckle because she’s right as I pay the bill. Vanessa’s fake boobs are enormous.
“How big do you think they are?” I muse as I pull out my credit card. “D?”
Sophie’s eyes light up wickedly. “They are DD’s,” she confirms. “I saw her tacky bra in the laundry at Dad’s. I’m always waiting for her to fall over from the sheer weight of those things.”
I know that I shouldn’t joke around like this with Sophie, but after the morning we’ve had, I can’t help but laugh with her. I know. Mom of the year, right here.