Love scared the hell out of me.
I didn’t want the heartbreak. I knew Rider cared about me, even loved me in a way one would love their childhood friend, but I didn’t know if it was the same emotion I felt for him. Because there was a difference between loving someone and being in love. And he hadn’t said he was in love with me. He’d said a lot and done a lot...to me, but those words had never been spoken. Seeing him with Paige hurt in a way I could barely put into words, a feeling I was so unfamiliar with. I felt sick and anxious, as if I was forgetting to do something, but there was nothing for me to do.
Heartbreak could only be worse.
I didn’t want to lose him one day, and God, there were so many ways you could lose someone. I didn’t want to disappoint him. I didn’t want him to disappoint me.
Restless, I rose from the window seat and walked to the door. I stopped before I opened it. Where was I going to go? If I went downstairs, I’d have to face Carl and Rosa, so I retreated to my bed and I...
I didn’t face them.
I didn’t call Rider.
Like the Mallory of twelve years, I did what I did best.
I hid.
* * *
Today was going to suck.
That was all I could think as I dragged myself in the back entrance of Lands High. Jayden would not surprise me at my locker. He wouldn’t randomly appear at lunch and flirt with the girls while stealing their French fries, and I imagined everyone would be talking about what happened on Saturday.
Every part of me ached as I climbed the stairs to go to my locker. The heavy sweater I wore did nothing to ease the chill settling deep into my bones. I’d hardly slept last night, and Rosa must have sensed that, because all she’d said at breakfast was to dress warm since it was supposed to snow. Somehow her tiptoeing around the events of yesterday had been scarier than her confronting me. Feeling like I needed a nap already, I started to open my locker door.
“Mouse.”
My body jerked and then I whipped around. Thoughts scattered as I stared up at Rider.
He looked...he looked exhausted standing there. Dark shadows had blossomed under his eyes. His hair was messy, as if he’d been shoving his hands through it several times. There was a smattering of scruff along his jaw, and I wanted to rush toward him and wrap my arms around him. I wanted to hold him, because as those hazel eyes met mine, there was a wealth of sorrow in their depths.
I stood still.
Rider stepped forward, ignoring the person he cut off. “Can we talk?”
My heart pounded in my chest. “I have—”
“You have to go to class. I know,” he said, stepping even closer. So close our shoes touched. “I couldn’t wait until lunch. I mean, I will, but please give me a chance to talk to you.”
I opened my mouth and I don’t even know what I planned to say, only that what came out of me surprised me. “We can talk now.”
“Now?” Relief flickered across his face. “You’ll leave school?”
Nodding, I closed the locker and then faced him. I had no idea what I was doing. Last night I hadn’t been ready to talk to him. I wasn’t sure I was ready now, and leaving school was a bad, bad idea.
But I did it.
Rider studied me for a moment, like he didn’t believe me. I didn’t even believe myself, but we started walking. And we kept walking, right out into the cold air and straight to my car, going against the sea of students. No one stopped us. No one looked twice. We got into the car and I turned it on, cranking up the heat. I didn’t let myself think about what I was doing or how much trouble I’d get into if the school contacted the house.
I looked over at him and realized then he was only wearing a black thermal and jeans. No jacket. “Aren’t you freezing?”
His gaze roamed over my face. “I don’t even feel the cold right now.”
Looking away, I slipped the car into Reverse and backed out of the parking space. “Where to?”
“We can go to Hector’s house,” he offered. “No one is there right now. They’re over at his aunt’s.”
I thought about his wording. “Why don’t you...ever call it your house?”
He didn’t answer and when I glanced over at him, he was staring out the window, his jaw locked down.
“Rider,” I persisted. “You...you want to talk. Let’s talk.”
“I wanted to talk about what you saw yesterday,” he replied.
The knots in my stomach doubled. “I want to talk about this first.”
Rider kicked his head back against the seat and several moments passed before he spoke. “It doesn’t... It doesn’t feel like a home, Mallory. Not my home.”
I focused on the road. “What does that mean? Your home looks like a home.”
“Yours feels like a home. You’re there. In the living room and in the kitchen. In your bedroom,” he explained. “But I’m just sleeping in mine.”
A sick feeling twisted up my insides. “Does Mrs. Luna...make you feel that way?”
“No,” he sighed. “Of course not, but I’m not— I’m a foster kid, just one of the many Mrs. Luna took in. I’m not her grandson. God knows I’m not a replacement for Jayden, and no matter how much they make me feel welcome, I age out as soon as I graduate. I am not blood. I’m just another mouth to feed. I have to remember that. I always have to remember that.”
I thought about what Carl had said yesterday and I understood that feeling, but I wasn’t sure if Rider was giving Mrs. Luna enough credit. Or giving himself enough credit.