He chuckled. “I never wanted to be free of you. I was a fucking idiot. It is so lame and stupid.” She watched as he pulled out a newspaper clipping. “I keep that on me at all times so I can remember how stupid and fickle I was. This is what started the party. I can’t believe it influenced me. I spoke to the guy who drew it, and he said it was supposed to be a joke. He figured I’d grown out of partying and fucking faceless women. What a fool I was. Then I was at the park before I got home that day. I was just walking trying to figure shit out in my head, and I passed so many screaming kids. I mean the parents looked exhausted, and the kids just wouldn’t shut up. I freaked out as I saw them and knew that was how we were going to end up. I panicked. Everything seemed to be coming at me from all angles. You, the kids, the bloody media. It was a nightmare for me, and I responded badly.”
Jennifer stared at the caricature of them with three screaming kids. She’d seen the picture and chuckled at the artist’s humour. Patrick had clearly seen something else inside the picture.
She tugged on her hand to try to free herself.
“No, please, listen. I need to say this to you, Jennifer.”
Jennifer licked her lips and opened her eyes. She looked at him and saw the hurt in his eyes and the pain. They were emotions she never expected to see on his handsome face. He looked older than his thirty-two years. She felt older than her twenty-six years. She felt old and alone.
“Until you came along in my library every girl I’d taken to bed had been a no-one. I couldn’t remember their name or where I’d found them. When I woke up the following morning, I still remembered you, Jennifer. I remembered your name and the colour of your hair. I remembered how you felt beneath me and in my arms. I didn’t go looking for you because I didn’t know where to start. When I saw that picture of you in the newspaper over that vomiting incident, my world changed. I thought you might be pregnant, and I prayed I was the father.”
Jennifer shook her head. “None of your words are making sense.”
“Please, let me finish. It will make sense when I’m done. At least I hope it will make sense.”
She nodded and let him continue. The scent of the food called to her. She picked up a chilli cheese fry and popped it into her mouth. It tasted good, but she stopped herself from reaching for another as her nerves were totally fried.
“Then I found out I was the father and you hadn’t been with another man except me. I thought it was the best thing I’d heard all day. Our parents were the worst. They were the ones rushing us, and they were rushing us for all the wrong reasons.”
“We can’t change who our parents are,” she said.
“I know, but we can change how we are.” Patrick stroked a thumb over the pulse in her wrist. “You’re so delicate. I don’t like you this thin. It’s dangerous.”
“I don’t feel like eating.” She sat back enjoying the attention he gave her.
“I miss you, Jennifer. Life is not the same without you. I fucked up, and I thought the life my friends had was the life I wanted for myself. I was wrong.”
“What did you think when Linda broke the news?” she asked. Gazing down at her stomach she counted to ten in an attempt to clear her mind. The thought of that day was enough to set her off.
“Part of me died that day. I hated myself, and I still hate myself. I never should have thrown that stupid party and left you. I’ll never forgive myself.”
She shook her head. The lump in her throat made it hard for her to breathe. “Is that it? Out of everything you can say, you’re going to make it all about you?” Jennifer didn’t know what to expect from him.
“I love you, Jennifer,” he said.
Getting to her feet she walked away. The pain and heartache gave her renewed strength to stay away from him. Patrick would constantly break her heart. She needed to avoid him no matter what it cost her.
“Jennifer, don’t run away.”
She heard him follow behind her.
“We need to talk about this,” he said.
“You’ve done all the talking. I don’t need to hear anymore.”
“For God’s sake, stop!”
Jennifer stopped and turned on him. “What did you expect? Say a few nice words and say you love me and everything will go away?” She gazed around her hating the audience they were getting. “Life, reality, does not work that way. I don’t work that way. You hurt me, and that I can’t forgive easy.” Even as she said the words all Jennifer wanted to do was go to him. She wanted him to open his arms for her. Her needs were stupid. She couldn’t bring herself to give in that easily.
“I’m trying.”
She stared at him moving her head from side to side. “It’s not enough.”
“We lost a baby. I feel that pain, too.”
“I feel it every day, Patrick. Telling me that you love me is not going to change what happened. We were never supposed to be together. We may walk in the same circles, but other than that, we’re different.”
Jennifer turned away as the first wave of tears started to spill.
“I’m not going away, Jennifer. I’m here for the duration. I love you, and I’m going to prove it to you.”
She heard his words but chose to ignore them. She finished her shift at the coffee shop and then walked home. Her nerves were shot, and she didn’t want to confront her friend. Linda must have been the person to contact him. She knew she never would.
You love him, Jennifer.
Ignoring the words in her head was not doing her any good. She made her way down to the beach. The sun was setting, and the light shone along the ocean making it glisten.
She felt him standing behind her.
“Are you following me?” she asked.
“I’m taking care of you, Jennifer. Anyway I can, I’ll do it.”
She shrugged and moved away. There was no stopping him from being close to her. All she needed to do was close off her heart and remember what he’d done to her. The pain of that night rushed through her leaving her breathless.
Linda was sitting at the counter when Jennifer let herself in later that night. Her friend looked concerned as she dropped her keys in front of her.
“How was your day at work?” Linda asked.
“Why did you call him?” Jennifer got straight to the point. There was no use in hiding away from what her friend clearly wanted her to see.
“He lost a baby, too, Jen. Patrick had a right to know what was happening to you.” Linda stood up. She watched as the other woman placed her cup in the sink.