Unable to trust her voice, she nodded, and he said, “You asked me some questions a couple days ago. I want to answer them now. Or at least try. I don't know if I know all of the answers yet, but this time we've spent together is helping me figure them out a little bit.”
This opening up was everything she thought she'd wanted. So then why did she still feel like her heart was barely beating?
“I came to your apartment that night because I—”
His voice faltered and her heart ached for him. “You don't need to tell me, Luke.”
“Don't let me off easy this time, Janica.”
She felt her eyes widen as she took in his beautiful face. He was asking her to help him. And even though her heart was breaking, she would.
“I won't.” She forced herself to level him with a don't-bullshit-me gaze. “So why? What happened?”
He ran one hand through his hair. “I almost killed somebody. A little girl.”
She couldn't stop her swift intake of breath. But at the same time, she couldn't believe him either.
“What really happened?”
“I was exhausted.”
“I know. I remember how wiped out you were.”
“I should have gone home, but I stayed at the hospital instead. Because I didn't have any reason to go home.” He reached out, stroked her cheek. “Because I didn't have anyone to go home to.”
Her mouth crept up in a half-smile of recognition. “I know how that is.”
“My colleagues were trying to tell me to get some rest, to let them take over, but I wouldn't listen. And then when we were in the OR, I—”
She leaned over and put her hand over his mouth. “Everybody makes mistakes, Luke.”
But, oh God, touching his mouth was such a bad idea. Because the only thing she could think to do next was cover it with her lips.
Taking away her hand, feeling it tremble as she put it back on her lap, she said, “Is she okay?”
“I called to check in and heard she's doing great. No thanks to me.”
“Funny,” she said, “I never pegged you for the self-pitying type.”
His eyebrows went up. “Is that what I'm doing?”
“Maybe. I wasn't there with you in the hospital, but it sounds like you've already beaten yourself up pretty bad about it. And besides,” she said with a grin that she didn't really feel, “it finally got you to my doorstep, didn't it?”
“It shouldn't have taken that, Janica.”
But it had.
She drank in his chiseled features, his all-male scent. If she stayed another sixty seconds she'd be tasting his mouth, ripping off his clothes and pulling him down over her.
It was time for her to go.
Clearly sensing her thoughts, he gripped the skirt of her dress in his fist.
“You also asked me if I like being a doctor. If I became one because of my mother. A week ago I would've told you I loved my job. Now I don't know anymore. But yes, she's the reason.”
“Don't let what happened one night when you were tired change the color of your career for you. You still love it. I know you do. Just like I know that your mother would be so proud of you. So proud of what you do. And who you are.”
“When she died,” Luke said softly, his eyes going slightly unfocused as he faded back into memories, “Travis pretty much fell apart. I knew exactly what I needed to do. I had to keep it together for both of us. And any time he acted like a dick, I needed to be even nicer. Wherever he took a risk, I made sure to play it safe. So there'd always be one of us there to fall back on.”
“Like me and Lily,” Janica said softly. “Only in reverse.”
“I guess so.”
“You've never had a chance to let loose before, have you?”
“Not until you, sweetheart.”
His sweetheart shot like an arrow straight through her heart.
He must've seen the pain in her face, because he was suddenly saying, “Sorry isn't good enough for the way I behaved in front of Lily.”
“You don't have to apologize for being honest. For feeling what you feel.” She moved her hands over his and squeezed them. “I'm really, really happy for you. I'm really glad that you're finally starting to work through everything.”
“Please don't say but.”
She had to.
“But you were right.”
His eyes flared with something that looked a hell of a lot like fear.
“No, sweetheart, I wasn't.”
“You were. You and me, we're not going to work.”
She didn't want to be the one to say goodbye. But she would.
Because she loved him that much. And he deserved to be with someone he could love wholly, without reserve.
And then, maybe, in the future, if he missed her enough, he would come ba—
No.
It wasn't just the way he'd acted around Lily. The hard truth was that she had no future with Luke in the real world. Because even if a man like him who'd always walked the straight-and-narrow could fall in love with the woman she was now, she knew with utter certainty that he could never truly let himself love the wild girl she used to be too. And that was the only way it would work...her heart came as a package deal.
All or nothing.
Which was why letting him go did not mean he was going to come back around to her.
Ever.
* * *
Luke couldn't remember the last time he'd felt pain this intense. And he couldn't remember the last time he'd been this scared. Terrified of all those empty spaces Janica was going to leave him with.
All his life he'd done what was fair, what was expected of him. All his life he'd put helping other people over helping himself.
Right now, he had to try to help himself.
“Do you remember what you said? About not being able to stop yourself from loving me? No matter what?”
Even as the words came, he knew they weren't fair. He shouldn't be using her words of love against her.
Especially when he hadn't even come close to giving them back to her yet.
“Of course I remember,” she said gently, as if she knew how deeply her leaving was going to cut him and she wanted to try to soften the blow in any way she could. “I'm keeping that promise, Luke.”
He watched a tear fall down her cheek and had to touch her, had to brush it away. She turned her face into his palm for a split second and he prayed, silently begged the universe to give her back to him.
Please don't let her leave me.
But then she was pushing off the couch. Moving away.
Away from him.
Taking all of her warmth and softness with her.
“I love you, Luke. Enough to know that you don't belong with me.” She picked up her bag. “I've got to go now.”