“You wouldn’t really have a baby in America, would you, Bex?”
“I… I don’t know. Who can tell? We probably won’t have children for years yet!”
“You know, we all really miss you.”
“Oh, not you, too, Suze.” I give a half-laugh. “I had Mum on at me today to move back to Oxshott.”
“Well, it’s true! Tarkie was saying the other day, London just isn’t the same without you.”
“Really?” I gaze at her, feeling ridiculously touched.
“And your mum keeps asking me if I think you’ll stay in New York forever… you won’t, will you?”
“I honestly don’t know,” I say helplessly. “It all depends on Luke… and his business…”
“He’s not the boss!” says Suze. “You have a say, too. Do you want to stay out there?”
“I don’t know.” I screw up my face, trying to explain. “Sometimes I think I do. When I’m in New York, it seems like the most important place in the world. My job is fantastic, and the people are fantastic, and it’s all wonderful. But when I come home, suddenly I think, Hang on, this is my home. This is where I belong.” I pick up a sugar packet and begin to shred it. “I just don’t know whether I’m ready to come home yet.”
“Oh, come back to England and have a baby!” says Suze wheedlingly. “Then we can be mummies together!”
“Honestly, Suze!” I take a sip of chocolate, rolling my eyes. “Like I’m really ready to have a baby!” I get up to go to the ladies’ room before she can say anything else.
On the other hand… she has got a point. Why shouldn’t I have a baby? Other people do — so why not me? I mean, if I could somehow bypass the actual having it bit. Maybe I could have one of those operations where you go to sleep and don’t feel anything. And then when I woke up I’d have a baby!
I have a sudden pleasant vision of Suze and me walking up the road together, pushing prams. That might be quite fun, actually. I mean, you can buy loads of gorgeous baby things these days. Like cute little hats, and tiny denim jackets… And — yes — doesn’t Gucci do a really cool baby sling?
We could have cappuccinos together, and walk round the shops, and… I mean, that’s basically all mothers do, isn’t it? Now that I think about it, I’d be perfect at it!
I must definitely have a chat with Luke.
It’s not until we’re leaving Oriel that Suze says, “So, Bex, you haven’t told me anything about the wedding!”
My stomach gives a little swoop, and I turn my head away, under the pretense of putting on my coat.
I’d kind of managed to forget about the whole wedding issue.
“Yes,” I say at last. “Well, it’s all… um… fine!”
I’m not going to bother Suze with my problems. I’m not.
“Was Luke all right about you getting married in England?” She looks anxiously at me. “I mean, it didn’t cause a rift between you or anything?”
“No,” I say after a pause. “I can honestly say that it didn’t.”
I hold the door open for her and we walk out into Sloane Square. A column of schoolchildren in corduroy knickerbockers is crowding the pavement, and we stand aside, waiting for them to pass.
“You know, you made the right decision.” Suze squeezes my arm. “I was so worried you were going to choose New York. What made you finally decide?”
“Er… this and that. You know. So, erm… did you read about these new proposals to privatize the water system?”
But Suze ignores me. Honestly, isn’t she interested in current affairs?
“So what did Elinor say when you called off the Plaza?”
“She said… erm… well, she wasn’t pleased, of course. She said she was very cross, and… er…”
“Very cross?” Suze raises her eyebrows. “Is that all? I thought she’d be furious!”
“She was furious!” I amend hurriedly. “She was so furious, she… burst a blood vessel!”
“She burst a blood vessel?” Suze stares at me. “Where?”
“On her… chin.”
There’s silence. Suze is standing still in the street, her expression slowly changing. “Bex—”
“Let’s go and look at baby clothes!” I say hurriedly. “There’s that really sweet shop on the King’s Road…”
“Bex, what’s going on?”
“Nothing!”
“There is! I can tell. You’re hiding something.”
“No, I’m not!”
“You did call the American wedding off, didn’t you?”
“I…”
“Bex?” Her voice is as stern as I’ve ever heard it. “Tell me the truth.”
Oh God. I can’t lie any more.
“I… I’m going to,” I say weakly.
“You’re going to?” Suze’s voice rises in dismay. “You’re going to?”
“Suze—”
“I should have known! I should have guessed! But I just assumed you must have called it off, because your mother kept on organizing her wedding, and no one said anything about New York, and I thought, oh, Bex must have decided to get married at home after all…”
“Suze, please. Don’t worry about it,” I say quickly. “Just stay calm… breathe deeply…”