‘No thanks!’ I can’t help laughing.
Nicole’s face is glowing. ‘This is awesome. Oh look, there’s Julie.’
‘Don’t tell me,’ I say. ‘Another friend of yours.’
A blonde teenage girl is coming up the drive, holding three coloured balls.
‘Hi!’ She smiles hesitantly. ‘I’m the juggler? For the Gina sandals?’
‘Can you juggle?’ I say bluntly.
‘Well …’ She looks anxiously at Nicole, who grimaces back and shakes her head. ‘Um … I’m a quick learner?’
As Daryl, Nicole and Julie head back down the drive, I sink on to the front step and stare out, hugging my knees. I can’t help feeling gloomy. Some bartering that was. I mean, it’s not that I begrudge giving away stuff. In fact, it was a pleasure to see my things going to good homes. And all three of them were really grateful.
But still, it wasn’t exactly a successful transaction, was it? If you ask me, bartering’s crap and I don’t know why I ever believed Jess. I’m down three designer bags and a pair of sandals and I haven’t got anything to show for it. The party isn’t any further forward … and we haven’t got a house … and we’ve got to move out … My head is sinking further and further forward, and it’s a few moments before I hear a gentle voice saying, ‘Rebecca?’
I look up to see a woman in a neat jacket and skirt holding out a tray of food.
‘It’s Erica,’ she says. ‘From Oxshottmarketplace.com? With the canapés for the Missoni coat? I thought I’d bring a selection and you could make your choice.’
I struggle to my feet and stare at her suspiciously for a moment. ‘Can you actually cook?’
Erica laughs. ‘Take a bite,’ she gestures at the tray, ‘and you tell me.’
Silently I reach forward, take a canapé and bite into it. It’s prawn and chilli on shortcrust pastry and it’s delicious. And so is the avocado and mozzarella roll.
By the time I’ve finished them all, I feel a million times better. It turns out Erica’s a proper caterer! She’s going to do a whole selection and serve them herself. And the Missoni coat looks fabulous on her, especially when I throw in a patent belt and some knee-high shiny Prada boots (which always cut into my shins and I never wore anyway) and re-do her hair.
And she said if I want to expand to catering the whole party, she’s willing to barter some more!
I’m glowing all over with pride. It worked! Here I am, bartering in my local community, being totally green and worthy, using the world’s resources the way we were meant to. Without money, without credit cards, without waste. Wait till I tell Jess!
Happily I drift inside and check on Minnie. Then I turn on my laptop, and just out of interest, summon up Erica’s catering website. Wow. It’s really impressive. There she is, looking all smart and professional in her apron. And there’s a page of testimonials … and here’s a list of party menus … and …
What?
I stare at the web-page in shock. I don’t believe this.
The Missoni coat, Prada boots and belt that I bartered were worth a total of sixteen hundred quid at least – and it says here I could get exactly the same lot of canapés for twelve hundred in her ‘Special Nibbles Deal’.
I’ve spent four hundred quid too much. No wonder she was so keen.
As I close down the computer, I’m absolutely seething. I was right the first time. Bartering’s a stupid, rubbish system and there was a reason it went out of fashion and I’m never doing it again, ever. What’s wrong with money?
D R J AMES L INFOOT
36 H ARLEY S TREET
L ONDON W1
Rebecca Brandon
The Pines
43 Elton Street
Oxshott
Surrey
17 February 2006
Dear Rebecca
Thank you for your letter of 15 February.
I am indeed a specialist in the heart and lungs and was sorry to hear of your symptoms. However, I think it unlikely they have been brought about by ‘shopping cold turkey’.
I do not agree that it is imperative that you ‘buy a few little things for the sake of your health’. Nor can I issue you with a ‘prescription to go shopping’.
I suggest you visit your local GP if symptoms persist.
Kind regards
James Linfoot
CENTRAL DEPARTMENTAL UNIT
FOR MONETARY POLICY
5th Floor
180 Whitehall Place
London SW1
Ms Rebecca Brandon
The Pines
43 Elton Road
Oxshott
Surrey
20 February 2006
Dear Rebecca
Thank you for your letter of 16 February.
I can understand your unhappiness at your unfortunate recent bartering experience. I will indeed, if I get the chance, warn the Chancellor that ‘bartering is not the way to go after all’. Please do not worry: he has not already embarked on ‘swapping all our stuff with France’s’.
If it is any consolation, the inefficiencies of illiquid financial instruments have always been a source of frustration to investors. Coincidentally, I am currently writing a paper entitled ‘A History of the Valuation and Pricing of Illiquid Investments since 1600’ for The British Journal of Monetary Economics. With your permission, I would like to use your example of bartering disappointment as anecdotal ‘flavour’. I will, of course, credit you in a footnote if you so wish.
Yours sincerely
Edwin Tredwell
Director of Policy Research
ALARIS PUBLICATIONS LTD
PO Box 45
London E16 4JK
Ms Rebecca Brandon