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Mini Shopaholic (Shopaholic #6) Page 85
Author: Sophie Kinsella

‘Mine dolly!’ She drags the whole mannequin down off its podium on to the floor with a crash and starts hugging it. ‘Miiiine!’

‘Get off, Minnie!’ I say. ‘It’s not a dolly! She thinks it’s a doll,’ I add to the assistant, aiming for a light-hearted laugh. ‘Aren’t children funny?’

The assistant doesn’t laugh back, or even smile.

‘Could you get her off, please?’ she says.

‘Of course! Sorry …’ Red-faced, I try to pull Minnie off as hard as I can. But she’s holding on like a limpet.

‘Come on, Minnie!’ I try to sound relaxed and cajoling. ‘Come on, sweetheart. Off you get.’

‘No!’ she shrieks. ‘Mine dolleee!’

‘What’s going on?’ snaps someone behind me. ‘What’s that child doing? Can’t someone control her?’

My stomach curdles. I know that whiny, toxic voice. I whip round – and sure enough, it’s the elf who banned us from Santa’s Grotto. She’s still got purple nails and a ridiculous permatanned cleavage, but now she’s dressed in a black suit with a badge reading ‘Assistant Manager’.

‘You!’ Her eyes narrow.

‘Oh, hi,’ I say nervously. ‘Nice to see you again. How’s Father Christmas?’

‘Could you please remove your child?’ she says in pointed tones.

‘Er … OK. No problem.’

I look at Minnie, still clinging on to the mannequin for dear life. The only way I’m going to get her away is by peeling each finger off individually. I’m going to need ten hands.

‘Could we possibly … buy the mannequin?’

From Permatanned Elf’s expression, I wish I hadn’t asked that question.

‘Come on, Minnie. Off you get.’ I try to sound brisk and jolly, like a mother in a soap-powder commercial. ‘Bye-bye, dolly!’

‘Noooooooooo!’ She clasps it harder.

‘Get off!’ With all my effort I manage to prise one hand off, but she immediately clamps it back down.

‘Miiiiine!’

‘Get your daughter off that mannequin!’ snaps the elf. ‘Customers are coming in! Get her off!’

‘I’m trying!’ I say desperately. ‘Minnie, I’ll buy you a dolly. I’ll buy you two dollies!’

A group of girls holding shopping bags have stopped to watch us, and one starts giggling.

‘Minnie, you will have a Naughty Ribbon!’ I’m totally hot and flustered. ‘And you’ll go on the Naughty Step! And you won’t have any treats ever! And Father Christmas will move to Mars and so will the Tooth Fairy …’ I grab her feet but she kicks me in the shin. ‘Ow! Minnie!’

‘Dolleee!’ she wails.

‘You know what?’ The elf suddenly savagely erupts. ‘Take the mannequin! Just have the bloody mannequin!’

‘Have it?’ I stare at her, bewildered.

‘Yes! Anything! Just go! GO! OUT!’

Minnie is still lying full-length on the mannequin, gripping on to it for dear life. Awkwardly I pick it up with both hands, dragging it along between my legs as if it’s a dead body. Somehow, panting with effort, I manage to lug it outside – then drop it and look up.

Nanny Sue has followed us out with my three shopping bags. Now she’s just watching me and Minnie silently, her face unreadable.

And suddenly it’s as if I come out of a trance. Suddenly I see everything that has just happened through Nanny Sue’s eyes. I swallow several times, trying to think of some light-hearted comment about ‘Kids, eh?’ But I can’t think of one, and anyway, my mouth is too dry with nerves. How could I have let this happen? No one on the TV series ever got chucked out of a shop. I’m worse than all the families with fridges in the garden.

What’s she going to say in her assessment? What will she tell Luke? What will she recommend?

‘Have you finished shopping now?’ she says in normal, pleasant tones, as if we aren’t being stared at by every passer-by.

I nod silently, my face burning.

‘Minnie,’ says Nanny Sue. ‘I think you’re hurting the poor dolly. Shall we get off her now and buy you a nice snack? We can buy one for dolly too.’

Minnie swivels her head and looks mistrustfully at Nanny Sue for a few moments – then clambers off the mannequin.

‘Good girl,’ says Nanny Sue. ‘We’ll leave the dolly here at her own home.’ She hefts the mannequin up and props it against the door. ‘Now, let’s find you a drink. Say “Yes, Nanny Sue.” ‘

‘Ess Nanny Sue,’ parrots Minnie obediently.

Huh? How did she do that?

‘Rebecca, are you coming?’

Somehow I manage to get my legs in gear and start walking along with them. Nanny Sue starts talking but I can’t hear a word. I’m too sick with dread. She’s going to file her report and say Minnie needs special treatment at a boot camp. I know she is. And Luke will listen to her. What am I going to do?

By nine o’clock that night I’m in a total state, pacing around the house, waiting for Luke to get back.

This is the worst moment in our marriage. Ever. By a million miles. Because if it comes to it, I will be forced to take Minnie away to a safe refuge and never see Luke again and change our names by deed poll and try to forget through alcohol and drugs.

You know. Worst-case scenario.

At the sound of his key in the door I stiffen.

‘Becky?’ He appears at the kitchen door. ‘I was expecting you to phone! How did it go?’

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Sophie Kinsella's Novels
» My Not So Perfect Life
» Twenties Girl
» I've Got Your Number
» Can You Keep a Secret?
» Shopaholic and Sister (Shopaholic #4)
» Shopaholic Takes Manhattan (Shopaholic #2)
» Remember Me?
» The Undomestic Goddess
» Shopaholic Ties the Knot (Shopaholic #3)
» Confessions of a Shopaholic (Shopaholic #1)
» Shopaholic to the Stars (Shopaholic #7)
» Mini Shopaholic (Shopaholic #6)
» Shopaholic & Baby (Shopaholic #5)
» Finding Audrey