"It's very nearly as strong as the way I feel about you."
"Poor Leah," I said again. "But what do you mean, malicious?"
"She's constantly bringing up things they'd rather not think of," he explained. "For example, Embry."
"What's with Embry?" I asked, surprised.
"His mother moved down from the Makah reservation seventeen years ago, when she was pregnant with him. She's not Quileute. Everyone assumed she'd left his father behind with the Makahs. But then he joined the pack."
"So?"
"So the prime candidates for his father are Quil Ateara Sr., Joshua Uley, or Billy Black, all of them married at that point, of course."
"No!" I gasped. Edward was right - this was exactly like a soap opera.
"Now Sam, Jacob, and Quil all wonder which of them has a half-brother. They'd all like to think it's Sam, since his father was never much of a father. But the doubt is always there. Jacob's never been able to ask Billy about that."
"Wow. How did you get so much in one night?"
"The pack mind is mesmerizing. All thinking together and then separately at the same time. There's so much to read!"
He sounded faintly regretful, like someone who'd had to put down a good book just before the climax. I laughed.
"The pack is fascinating," I agreed. "Almost as fascinating as you are when you're trying to distract me."
His expression became polite again - a perfect poker face.
"I have to be in that clearing, Edward."
"No," he said in a very final tone.
A certain path occurred to me at that moment.
It wasn't so much that I had to be in the clearing. I just had to be where Edward was.
Cruel, I accused myself. Selfish, selfish, selfish! Don't do it!
I ignored my better instincts. I couldn't look at him while I spoke, though. The guilt had my eyes glued to the table.
"Okay, look, Edward," I whispered. "Here's the thing . . . I've already gone crazy once. I know what my limits are. And I can't stand it if you leave me again."
I didn't look up to see his reaction, afraid to know how much pain I was inflicting. I did hear his sudden intake of breath and the silence that followed. I stared at the dark wooden tabletop, wishing I could take the words back. But knowing I probably wouldn't. Not if it worked.
Suddenly, his arms were around me, his hands stroking my face, my arms. He was comforting me. The guilt went into spiral mode. But the survival instinct was stronger. There was no question that he was fundamental to my survival.
"You know it's not like that, Bella," he murmured. "I won't be far, and it will be over quickly."
"I can't stand it," I insisted, still staring down. "Not knowing whether or not you'll come back. How do I live through that, no matter how quickly it's over?"
He sighed. "It's going to be easy, Bella. There's no reason for your fears."
"None at all?"
"None."
"And everybody will be fine?"
"Everyone," he promised.
"So there's no way at all that I need to be in the clearing?"
"Of course not. Alice just told me that they're down to nineteen. We'll be able to handle it easily."
"That's right - you said it was so easy that someone could sit out," I repeated his words from last night. "Did you really mean that?"
"Yes."
It felt too simple - he had to see it coming.
"So easy that you could sit out?"
After a long moment of silence, I finally looked up at his expression.
The poker face was back.
I took a deep breath. "So it's one way or the other. Either there is more danger than you want me to know about, in which case it would be right for me to be there, to do what I can to help. Or . . . it's going to be so easy that they'll get by without you. Which way is it?"
He didn't speak.
I knew what he was thinking of - the same thing I was thinking of. Carlisle. Esme. Emmett. Rosalie. Jasper. And . . . I forced myself to think the last name. And Alice.
I wondered if I was a monster. Not the kind that he thought he was, but the real kind. The kind that hurt people. The kind that had no limits when it came to what they wanted.
What I wanted was to keep him safe, safe with me. Did I have a limit to what I would do, what I would sacrifice for that? I wasn't sure.
"You ask me to let them fight without my help?" he said in a quiet voice.
"Yes." I was surprised I could keep my voice even, I felt so wretched inside. "Or to let me be there. Either way, so long as we're together."
He took a deep breath, and then exhaled slowly. He moved his hands to place them on either side of my face, forcing me to meet his gaze. He looked into my eyes for a long time. I wondered what he was looking for, and what it was that he found. Was the guilt as thick on my face as it was in my stomach - sickening me?
His eyes tightened against some emotion I couldn't read, and he dropped one hand to pull out his phone again.
"Alice," he sighed. "Could you come babysit Bella for a bit?" He raised one eyebrow, daring me to object to the word. "I need to speak with Jasper."
She evidently agreed. He put the phone away and went back to staring at my face.
"What are you going to say to Jasper?" I whispered.
"I'm going to discuss . . . me sitting out."
It was easy to read in his face how difficult the words were for him.
"I'm sorry."
I was sorry. I hated to make him do this. Not enough that I could fake a smile and tell him to go on ahead without me. Definitely not that much.