“Don’t be sad, mummy. I don’t want you to be sad.”
“I’m here and I’m never leaving. You don’t have to fight on your own anymore, Zel.” His voice rumbled in his chest, sending shockwaves through my body.
My eyes filled with fire. A pain that burned and stabbed and lacerated as I cried and cried and cried. The eternity of relief he granted turned me from woman to puddle. The knowledge that my battles were halved; that every high and low would now be shared sent another crash of sorrow over me.
If only I’d met him sooner. If only the doctors had found out about Clara sooner. If only…if only.
“I’ll give you everything, Zel. Everything that I am.” He kissed my jaw, my temple, my cheek. He worshipped me in kisses. “Please. Don’t make me beg. I can’t do this. I can’t be apart from you. I can’t. I need you so f**king much.”
My back ached; every part of me was in pain. I was utterly ruined.
Tilting my chin upward, Fox pressed his lips against mine, drinking in the salt from my tears. He murmured against my mouth, “You’re mine, and I refuse to live without you.” He made me swallow every regret, every sadness he lived with. “You’re mine, Hazel Hunter. And I’m taking you home to heal.”
“He needs you, mummy. Go with him. Don’t be sad.”
My entire body vibrated with a potent mix of confusion, anger, and hunger. Hunger for him. Hunger for what he promised.
He didn’t wait for my reply. His tongue speared into my mouth, giving me no choice but to kiss him back. He took and he gave and he consumed, dragging unwilling desire through my blood until it throbbed in my core. He brought me back to life even though I wanted to stay wallowing in my tears. I wasn’t ready to face life without Clara. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. I wasn’t ready to embrace the world he offered or the baby growing inside me.
I’m not ready.
“Please,” he whispered. His breath tickled my cheek and my traitorous body hummed. He helped dull the pain of Clara. He gave me something else to focus on.
Forgive him. Accept him.
I pulled back.
His eyes were glazed and heavy. His body wrapped around mine as if he could protect me from so many other tragic things. Almost every part of me touched every part of him. How was that possible?
Sniffing back my tears, I asked, “How can you stand to be this close?”
He shook his head. “I’ll tell you if you come home with me.”
I wanted to say no. I deserved to live in misery. I didn’t deserve any chance at happiness. Why should a parent outlive her child?
But my trials in life had taught me nothing lasted forever and the best things were fleeting—treasures to be enjoyed for however long they lasted before they were gone. Clara was too precious—too perfect to last. I’d been granted a miracle and it had ended before I was ready.
“Don’t be sad. I don’t like it when you’re sad.”
I looked over Fox’s shoulder at the horses in the field. They tossed their manes, and pawed the ground, welcoming my daughter and granting her immortality. “Okay, Clara. Okay.”
Clara taught me precious things were worth fighting for. And the ultimate prizes of life demanded payments that sometimes seemed too high.
“Okay,” I whispered.
Fox looked as if the sun had finally found its way into his soul. “Okay?”
I nodded. “Okay, I’ll come home with you. For Clara. For us.”
This was the man I was in love with.
The father of my unborn child.
The man I wouldn’t give up on.
It turned out Clue and Ben knew my decision before me. They’d left, leaving me stranded and pissed off at their blatant disregard for my choices. Clue didn’t know what Fox was capable of. I doubted they would’ve been so keen to abandon me with a man with such a tangled past had they known.
I glared at Fox’s innocent look as he carried me to his Porsche. I had no doubt he had something to do with Clue and Ben leaving with no qualms to my safety.
Then my heart melted at the thought of him securing such an amazing place for Clara to find peace. He’d been thinking of her, even when he’d left.
“Thank you,” I said as Fox placed me ever so gently into the expensive car and buckled me in. A gust of chocolate caught me from his hair; my stomach fluttered with how attentive and caring he was.
“For what?” He stood upright, the grey clouds framing his black-clad body.
“For this.” I nodded at the field and the horses. “For caring enough. For giving her a piece of yourself.”
He rolled his shoulders and sniffed. Avoiding my eyes, he said, “I wanted to make her dreams come true. I thought if she was placed here, she’d eventually become part of the horse, evolve into…more. Become what she always wanted.”
My throat closed up, and I dropped my eyes. Who was this man? This damaged, scarred, enigma of a man? I loved the thought of Clara evolving—always happy. I loved his reasoning behind his choice of resting spot.
I didn’t take my eyes off Fox as he walked around the front of the car and climbed into the driver’s side. He moved with a heavy blanket of sadness around his shoulders—muted and solemn.
The engine roared then purred as he turned the key. He glanced over. “Ready?”
Never.
Panic clawed back and it took all my willpower to stay in the car.
The rock lodged in my throat again but I nodded. “As ready as I’ll ever be.”
Fox grimaced and put the car into gear.
We didn’t say a word as he negotiated the dirt track down to the road. Every metre my heart suffocated more and more. I’m leaving her behind!
Fuck, it was hard. So hard.
At the end of the field path, Fox climbed out and undid the gate. His back flexed as he dragged the barricade across mud. Returning to the car, he drove through, shut the large metal behind us, and turned left onto tarmacked highway.
Tears glazed my eyes as the sun broke through the clouds again, shining light on the hills behind us. I never wanted to leave. Never wanted to think about Clara all alone in a field with no shelter. I should’ve built a tent, a shrine, something to grant her safety.
She doesn’t need anything. She’s gone.
Tears pressed again. As much as it killed me—I had to remember she was above physical needs. She was free.
Fox smiled in my direction, but we didn’t say anything. Both too raw, too hurt knowing that the little soul that’d brought us closer together would no longer be with us.