I want you. So f**king much. I shot the message as hard as I could, hoping she’d decipher my soundless sentence.
She sucked in a breath, drawing my eyes to her br**sts encased in her pink tank top. Her ni**les hardened beneath the fabric, and it took all my willpower to stay sitting and not launch myself across the desk and grab her.
Clara ceased to exist as I stared at Zel. Her eyes went heavy with lust.
She made me f**king crazy.
I could no longer operate my body, and all concentration flew out of the window. All thoughts turned to binding her with silver jewellery and f**king her. I couldn’t get enough of her. I missed her.
Then another thought hit me.
Maybe I’ve done it the wrong way. Maybe the only way to succeed at never hurting her would be to trap myself in bondage. Am I always destined to be an animal only fit for shackles?
Life decided to answer my dumbass question in the form of tiny, breakable hand landing softly on my scarred cheek. Clara chose that exact moment—the moment I wasn’t concentrating—to touch me in the worst possible spot.
Life ceased to exist.
Death roared in my brain.
Hands clenched. Body shifted. Zel screamed.
Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
Conditioning tsunamied through me, wreaking havoc on my self-control, reminding me I’d been forged as a weapon, not a human to interact with something as killable as a child.
I blinked, bringing a terrified Clara into focus and a tear-stained ferocious Zel. “No!” she screamed.
My hands clutched Clara’s shoulders, digging into her, and it took every single reserve left inside to shove her away. The second she tumbled to the floor, Zel scooped her up and darted backward.
I fell off my chair and clutched my skull, trying to crush the overpowering orders.
Kill. Sever. Bleed. Devour.
I looked up, searching for the letter opener I kept on the desk. I needed a weapon to put myself down—before I did something I would never be able to live with.
“Clara, no!” Zel cried, sounding muffled in the crash of orders in my head. “Stay away.”
Amazingly, Clara brought on the conditioning, and she was the one who ended it. Her loud, little voice yelled, “Stop it!”
And…it did.
Just like that. Instant silence, leaving me shaking and eerily empty.
I snapped my head upright, breathing hard. I climbed to my feet, creaking in joints that had no right to move after a lifetime of torture. “Are you okay?” My voice was gruff, strained. Gulping in air, I ran hands through my shaggy hair.
The spell of lust between Zel and me was gone, replaced with appalled horror in her gaze. My heart deflated. Why can’t I be f**king normal?!
I wanted to tear my office apart and fight. I ruined it. Proved to Zel Clara wasn’t safe around me. Fuck!
“Hazel, you know I—” What could I say? I’d made more progress in the last two days than ever before, but it wasn’t enough. It would never be f**king enough to deserve them.
Clara squirmed in her mother’s hold. Zel seemed to be in livid shock, her face frozen in stone.
Freeing herself, Clara came forward. Not close enough to touch, but close enough for me to witness the fierceness in her dark eyes. “I’m sorry. I forgot. I didn’t mean to touch you.” Her head hung, sending a curtain of shiny hair around her face. “Don’t yell at me, okay?”
My heart lurched. I felt like f**king crying. None of this was fair. Not to Clara, or Zel, or even me. I was and always would be a machine who should remember his place and stay in the dark.
Clara was so innocent. So pure. Everything that I wasn’t.
“I won’t yell at you, little one. It wasn’t your fault.” Sighing heavily, I stayed slouched on the floor, keeping a careful eye on her. “I think you and your mother should go.”
Zel sucked in a harsh breath, life animating her body once again. I searched her gaze and f**king died when she nodded once. “Yes, Clara. I think Mr. Fox needs to have some time on his own. Let’s go to the beach with Auntie Clue and Ben.”
“But I don’t want to go to the beach with them. And stop calling him Fox!” Clara’s cheeks grew pink. “It was my fault. Don’t kick us out, please. You haven’t told me any stories. You haven’t shown me a sheep. I don’t want to go.”
I couldn’t stand seeing her bottom lip wobble.
Right there. Right then. My life split, heading into a crossroads.
I was obsessed with finding redemption. Destroyed by love. Possessed by hope. Consumed by a past I couldn’t shake. My eyes locked with Zel’s. It was time. I couldn’t pretend I didn’t come with baggage, or issues that I might never be free of, but before Zel walked away from me forever, I wanted her to know the truth.
I wanted to know her. I wanted to earn her trust. I wanted a connection. I didn’t want to be feared or hated. I didn’t want to be an inconvenience or burden.
It was time to tell her everything, so she could decide for herself.
It was the only way forward. And it would mean I’d lose both of them because she would never allow her daughter near me again.
“I think it’s time I told you a story, Clara.” My voice sounded heavy and bleak. I’ll tell you things that’ll scar your mind and grant you nightmares for life.
Zel sniffed, straightening her back. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” She moved forward, wrapping her arms around Clara’s shoulders. Her body trembled with tightly reined emotion; her limbs brittle, eyes tinged with grief. “Please, Fox. You keep forgetting she’s a child. You can’t tell her what I think you want to. You can’t unburden yourself onto such an innocent mind. I won’t let you.”
“I’ll filter. I’ll turn it into a fairy-tale. I promise I won’t share too much, just…please…give me the opportunity to tell someone. Before you leave.”
She bit her lip, deliberations filling her eyes.
I looked at my hands. Holding them up, I said, “I can tell you the story behind every scar, every nick, and every mark on my body. I’ll answer any question you want, and then you can cast judgement.” My fingers weren’t appendages—they were ruthless weapons and held a lifetime of grief. “I’ll save the details for you, but give me the chance to tell your daughter one story.”
Looking at Clara, I added, “I’ll tell you about a boy who lost his life only to have a little girl give it back to him.”
Clara smiled heartbreakingly sweet, her dark eyes so wide and forgiving. Her fierceness made me yearn for another child…a boy, who’d been just as tough and perfect.