Was he serious?
Please tell me he was serious.
To get Ham, the only one who could answer that question, to do that, I used one word, “Why?”
“’Cause you’re my cookie, you’re easy, you’re funny, you’re honest, you’re f**kin’ sexy, you love my dick, and you’re not hard on the eyes.”
That was all awesome.
But somehow it also was not.
It was… flat.
Luckily, he wasn’t done.
“And I want kids. Hope I didn’t wait too long but I want them. I want a family, always have. Lost my parents young, Mom when I was seventeen, Dad when I was twenty-one, didn’t have any brothers or sisters but had it good with Mom and Dad. I want that back, want to give that to kids. You want them, too, and I know, what went down with your family, you’ve learned. So you’ll be a great mom.”
Okay. Again.
Please tell me he was serious.
Please, God, tell me this was happening to me.
I mean, I knew about his parents. His mom had always had really bad diabetes so even though Ham told me often she was a great mom that illness was always hanging over their heads.
His dad was a shock, heart attack at a young age. Then again, Ham said he drank, was overweight, and had a deep affinity for anything fried so during one of our heart-to-hearts when Ham and I first got together, he told me, even though his dad’s dying was a shock, it wasn’t a surprise.
But until then, I didn’t know my travelin’ man had always wanted a family.
Something I’d always wanted, too.
One that was better than the one I was born into, that was.
“Ham—”
“Plus, you’re all kinds of pretty. We’ll make beautiful babies, have fun doin’ it, and have fun raisin’ ’em. You’ll get my history because you lived a lot of it with me. I’ll share the rest. I’ll get yours because I’ve been in your life to share it with you. We never fight unless your head’s a mess because shit is f**ked in your life and I’ve been recently attacked by an ax-wielding f**kwit. Or because I’m actin’ like a dick because listenin’ to you make yourself come after spendin’ night after night in a bed a door down from you was doin’ my motherfucking head in and I hadn’t been in there for years drove me to act like a dick.”
“So that’s what that was about,” I replied.
That got me another lip twitch and his arms pulled me closer. “Yeah, darlin’, that was what that was about.” His eyes dropped to my mouth and his voice dipped deeper. “Fuck, it sounded hot, good, went on so goddamned long. Torture.”
My stomach pitched.
“Ham,” I called and his eyes came to mine but his hand in my hair slid to my jaw.
“What, baby?”
He asked his question but I was lost in his eyes.
They were hooded and heated. Burning into mine.
Thus I knew his mind was not on what I was going to say.
It was elsewhere.
My mind joined it.
His thumb slid over my lower lip.
I lost my mind and pressed my lips to his.
He opened his lips over mine, slid his tongue inside and his hand back up into my hair, and my arms slid around him.
He slanted his head. I tipped mine the other way and Ham took the kiss deeper.
Then I was on my back in his bed and Ham was on top of me.
Not long after, I was na**d on my back in his bed and Ham was moving inside me, his lips to mine but not kissing.
Breathing.
Heavily.
“When we’re done, you’re comin’ with me to the bathroom,” he ordered, voice thick.
“I won’t leave your bed, babe,” I assured him through panting.
Ham’s h*ps powered faster and I gasped against his mouth.
“You’re comin’ with,” he stated, voice now gruff.
I was so very close but still managed to force out a breathily exasperated, “Ham, I won’t leave your bed.”
“Makin’ sure and killin’ two birds with one stone by f**kin’ you in the shower while we’re there.”
Now, that I could do. Gladly.
I didn’t say that.
I arched my neck, wound my limbs tight around him, tipped my h*ps into his thrusts, and came.
* * *
Dawn was just lighting the sky when we were done and lying together in Ham’s bed. I’d gone to my room to get my nightgown, but I was back plastered against Ham’s side, cheek to his shoulder, fingers lightly raking through the hair on his chest. Ham, on his back, his arm tucked under and wrapped around me, was drawing random patterns with his fingertips on my hip.
“There’s more to say,” I told his chest softly.
“We’ll say it,” he replied.
“I’m scared,” I admitted.
“I get that. We got a shift to get through, baby, moving us to somethin’ we’ve never had. You promise to hold on to me, I’ll promise to hold on to you and we’ll make it through.”
God, I wanted that. I so, so wanted that.
But I had to be sure before I lost myself in the beauty of it.
“I need to know your issues with women,” I told him.
“And I’ll tell you, tomorrow night, when I take my girl out to a nice dinner. We’ll lay our shit, bare, baby, and then we’ll move on.”
I lifted my head and looked at his face. “You’re going to give me that?”
His hand came up to cup my cheek and he whispered, “Cookie, pay attention. I’m gonna give you everything.”
That was when Ham gave it to me. What I wanted. What I needed.
Proof I could lose myself in the beauty of it.
In him.
Oh my God, I was going to cry.
Man, oh man, I was crying.
I planted my face in his chest and let loose.
Ham wrapped his arms around me, pressed into me so we were both on our sides as he pulled me up, and tucked my face in his throat. Then he held me while I cried.
And while I cried, it happened.
It came to me.
All of it.
Ham was in Gnaw Bone only a week before he made the ludicrous sound reasonable and talked me into moving into his second bedroom.
Ham gave me a job at his bar when, with the reduced rent I was paying him, I could get on my feet working at Deluxe Home Store. Ham took me to work nearly every night when I wasn’t pissed or freaking out.
Ham scheduled us both off on the same days so we had the opportunity to spend the maximum amount of time together that we could, definitely at work, but also at home.
And when I went to him that first night, Ham not hesitating but a half a second before I was on my back in his bed.